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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Debt

10 replies

louisiana30 · 03/10/2018 10:02

Can a relationship survive one partner being in huge debt?
All the information and actual amounts owed came out today. With lots of tears and talk of ending it/leaving.

Is this something a relatycan come back from or will there always be an imbalance that both parties will be aware of?

OP posts:
whatwillbewillbe03 · 03/10/2018 10:10

Has the debt been accumulated whilst in the relationship or beforehand? Is the partner managing the debt?

Bananalanacake · 03/10/2018 10:12

Only if finances are not combined and the person in debt pays it all off.

DonnaDarko · 03/10/2018 10:14

I think it would depend on the reasons for the debt, when it started, and whether they lied about it

I came into my current relationship with a load of debt but it's never been a problem as I was 99% honest about it

MrsStrowman · 03/10/2018 10:16

I think it would depend on the reasons for the debt, when it started, and whether they lied about it
This

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 03/10/2018 10:18

It can if finances are separate and the party in debt is managing the situation. Should the debt delay future combined plans, i.e. bigger house, more kids etc, then the other person may become resentful and that could be the end of a relationship.

LIZS · 03/10/2018 10:19

And whether they have admitted the true extent of it and are prepared to change the habits which caused it.

loveka · 03/10/2018 10:20

It depends on what the money was spent on I think.

I have come back from it. My partners business went bust. Unbeknownst to me he had used credit cards to pay wages and bills. When the busiess went, so did his income, so he had to tell me about the credit card debt. He had also 'borrowed' our life savings to prop up the business- although I knew about that. I just didn't know how close we were to losing our savings.

We were in a horrible position. I really thought we would lose our house. It was a limited company, but he was personally liable for the credit cards and company overdraft. He was also unemployed.

The stress I went through was unbelievable. I worry about the lo g term effects that might have had on my body. I would say it was 4 years of hell and poverty (he couldn't get a job, due to his age I think)

It is 7 years ago now, and we have got through it. After 4 years I made him get a job, any job. I couldn't cope with being the breadwinner.

I actually saved some money as well as paying the debts off. We have just used this, as well as using his pension pot, to start a new business in another part of the country. We are leaving the house I fought so hard to keep and srarting a new life!

It has been tough, but I wonder if I would have had the courage to do what I am doing now if I had not been through that awful experience.

LakieLady · 03/10/2018 10:26

It needn't be a dealbreaker, but that very much depends on what your joint circumstances are and what happens next.

The partner with the debt needs to address it and resolve it. How that happens depends very much on how enmeshed your finances are etc. If you're renting, or your home is in your sole name, bankruptcy or a debt relief order could be an option. They need to contact CAB, Step Change or Christians Against Poverty for advice.

Did the debt arise because of an underlying problem, eg gambling or drugs? If so, they need help with that. If not, then they need help to live within their means, make a budget and stick to it, understand the importance of making sure their money lasts the month, plan (and save for) big items, eg cars, holidays.

A debt crisis can sometimes be a lifechanger, in a positive way. But I'd be insisting on absolute financial honesty and openness from now on.

MaudebeGonne · 03/10/2018 10:28

It depends on the circumstances. As someone who has struggled with debt/money management throughout my life, I would urge caution. It is so easy to borrow, and so hard to pay back.

If it is your debt, be open and humble and get advice and support and make a realistic plan for repayment. If it is someone else’s debt, make sure your finances are separate and secure, and decide how much support you are comfortable offering.

Polkasq · 03/10/2018 10:31

Sorry to hear this OP.

Was it due to an addiction of some kind (gambling for example?) If so then obviously the deeper reasons need addressing, as well as the practicalities, to avoid the same happening again.

There are some organisations which can offer advice on debt problems, such as Stepchange.

There's also a page here on the Relate website, about debt and relationships. It includes a link where you can talk to a counsellor for free.

Thanks
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