Aibu to keep my daughter away from her bf

[Lovinglife17]

Sorry if this is a long rambling post, ill try keeping it as short as possible, but please any advice would be amazing.
So my 17 yr old dd has been in a relationship for 5 months with her bf, they have had their uos and downs and quite frankly i never liked him, he picks her up and drops her all the time, the amount of times she has spent hours getting ready for him to go awol is heart breaking!
Anyway 2 days ago me and my husband were fixing her laptop, when we turned it on, her fb messenger popped up, with a aggressive message from someone telling her to get her bf to contact him, turns out hes a drug dealer, her bf is a druggie who uses cocaine and owes this bloke 600 quid!!
I am absolutely livid that this bf of hers who chased her, has got her involved in this, she says she has never taken any, and has never seen him do it, but she thinks this is ok, she thinks she isnt involved because she hasnt taken any, evwn though she has dealers messaging her.
I have told her she is not to go to his house anymore, because she also had a message off bfs cousin telling her to stay away, because the bf has messed up big time, but it doesnt matter what i say to her she says she loves him and will be with him, what can i do, he certainly isnt welcome at my house, but how can i get him out of her life? Do i need to let it run its course? I dont want her life ruining before its even begun... She wants to be a teacher...... He is so controlling of her too, since i told her she isnt to go to house, he is at her continuously to go round she hasnt as far as i know, she does have a certain amount of respect but it seems like his trying to win her, make her go against what ive said, if that makes sense,
Thanks if you got to the end of this xxx

Oh god you must be out of your mind with worry.

The problem with saying 'no' is that it doesn't work. In her mind they'll be like Romeo and Juliet fighting to be together against the odds. The other problem with saying 'no' is that she's more likely to clam up and not talk to you.

Try and be non-judgemental and keep the lines of communication open, making sure she knows she can come and talk to you. Spend as much time with her as you can and encourage her to spend time with her friends (who hopefully also thinks the BF is a waste of space) and also any hobbies that she enjoys.

If she wants to teach then that means a uni course; hopefully the relationship will be done and dusted before that but if not then going away to uni normally finishes things off. Make sure she knows that getting involved with the wrong crowd could affect her chances of teaching and to think carefully about what she wants to do.

I would be worried because at 17, you can't really control her can you? I mean...she must leave the house for college or work?

Not a lot you can do really if she's 17, apart from being there for her, talking to her and trying to make her understand that she could ruin her life if she stays with him.

This is part of my problem, with her being 17, 18 in March i obviously cant keep her prisoner (even though i want to) i have told her she needs to make her own choices in life. The reason i told her not to go to his house is because of my fear of dealers turning up and battering him or worse, i dont want her involved in any way.
I do think she thinks its some kind of romeo and juliette scenario, where she thinks she can save him, its just really sad, my biggest fear is she gets dragged down and tries it, gets hooked and her whole life is over, dramatic thinking i know, i want her to realise for herself, but its hard because im so angry, not at her, but the situation.

Hopefully she'll outgrow him sooner or later.

I don't have a teenager yet, but I am dreading those years!

The only thing that stuck out for me, is that he's not welcome in your house, which I completely understand, but if he's not welcome then she's more likely to go to his place. At least at your house you know where she is.

Wishing you luck with it all.

I can't /won't have him in my house as i have a 4 yr old to consider too.

Can't you shop him to the police? Solve the problem permanently...

Trouble is she is 17 so mummy saying No doesn’t really work anymore, at 17 she will more likely see who she wants anyway so you can either cause a fuss or remain netrual I’m not saying you have to fake you like him but just say your piece and then leave her be. You can of course say his not allowed in the house but again you don’t have to make a huge fuss just say it as a matter of fact and then leave it.

Hopefully she will outgrow him quick but none of us listen to our mother when she says you must not see that boy.....

You must be worried sick. She will outgrow him eventually but it might take a while.

I was involved with a massively self destructive moron when I was 17. He was controlling, a druggie etc and with youthful naivety I thought my love could make him better. Sensibly my parents kept quiet (harder for you with a four year old at home) and took me on holiday for two weeks over Christmas/New Year.

Of course I realised what a controlling dick he was when I was away from him, and he cheated on me. So it was easy to dump him when I got home and I had some perspective.

Just make sure she’s protected not going to get pregnant and be tied to him forever, at the moment that’s all you can really do.

Thankfully she has the implant, thank god!! I realise i need to chill, i dont think it will last really (hopefully) everything is crossed 🤞

I’d hand the whole lot over to the police.

Your dd’s behaviour is high risk and she is too immature to understand that.

How old is her boyfriend and do you know his parents or does he live with them? At the end of the day he might be a druggie, he might be no good, but at the moment he sounds like someone in trouble and once upon a time he was a mothers baby and I think as a mother yourself you should try and find out if they know of the situation and explain your foremost reason is to safeguard your old child, but it sounds like theirs needs help too.

I am not excusing his behaviour but quite possibly there is a mother out there wondering what on earth is going on with her son. I'd like to think that would be the right thing to do, you don't have to do much just tell them what you know and you'd like him nowhere near your daughter

He lives with his parents, they know all about it, they have tried getting him help as far as im aware, but im thinking of talking to his mum, see what she has to say