To feel like it should be easier by now?

[Nineveh]

My DC are 3, 6 and 9 and I suppose I thought everything would be a bit easier by now. My eldest has high- functioning autism and struggles with sleep so I often think it's the 9 yrs of sleep deprivation that is the problem but surely we should be used to it by now?!
I am really lucky - I have a really good job, nice house and DH is a SAHP but still everything feels too much.
The house is constantly a tip, there are piles of paper everywhere, laundry is a constant losing battle, and my DH is always exhausted and stressed. I feel guilty for going to work while he has 3 DC at home - I worry he's not happy and feels trapped because of DC1's HFA.
When I get home from work he's always irritable with them which I understand but it means the house feels like a war zone and I don't get a lot of fun times with them because I'm trying to work out who's done what and who's upset and why.
Neither of us are very organised so we often have sudden panics about how to manage appointments clashing with kids activities etc. It sounds minor but I just feel like everyone else has their life in order and we really don't.
I just wish it would get a bit easier as I want to enjoy having DC and not just survive!
AIBU?

OP that does sound hard. I think the first thing is to get organised together- get a family calendar planning thing and write EVERYTHING on it, and then put it in your phones as well. It’s so stressful forgetting things or realising you have clashes at the last minute.

Next, have you asked your GP for help with the older one’s sleep? I believe they can prescribe melatonin for children with autism, and apparently it really helps.

Does your DH want to go back to work? Could you both do part time?

I've nearly started the 'when does it get easier' thread so many times! Mine are similar gaps to yours but older now so 13, 11 and 8 - in many ways it is easier now but we are now negotiating all the teenage stuff

I've found it helps to think this is how it is rather than dwelling on the thought of how it 'should' be. I'd expected the years when they were all at primary to be a doddle and for a while was a bit resentful that it was still hard.

Are the older ones at school? Does the 3yo go to pre school?

Thanks for your replies. 3yr old is at preschool and the other two at primary.

We are trying to find our way through the system to get melatonin for DC1 - it's taking a very long time but at least we are doing something I guess.

I don't think DH wants to go back to work - he didn't really enjoy his job before and doesn't have a lot of confidence that he could go back or do something else. We'd always thought we would take it in turns but after 5 yrs of it being my turn to work, my career has progressed really quickly so financially it wouldn't make sense to swap.

I think you are right about accepting this is how it is I guess. It's not all the juggling so much as the cross words that get me down.