AIBU to think giving birth does not make you a mum

[Changedtoprotect]

Just a bit fed up with the you only get one mum comments and mum knows best
My birth mother left home when I was a child and had little to do with me after
My amazing step mum who has been in my life since I was 9 recently and unexpectedly passed away. My world is broken as she bought me up, was the person who helped with my wedding and who made my dad happy.
Even at this point when I'm so very sad and upset not a word from my birth mother. Nothing.
So giving birth does not make you mum, loving and caring for a child does. Being a positive influence in a life does.

Giving birth does make you a mum, however it is not the only route to motherhood.

i do believe you only get one mum. but that doesnt have to be the person who gave birth to you. its the person who loved and raised you. i have stepparents (both mother and father remarried) and they love me and take care of me more than my real parents and have been more parents to me. and now i have children the favourite grandparents are definitely the steps.

Your stepmother did the actual "mothering" part.

I am so sorry you have lost her .

It sounds like the big hole she has left in your life will not be filled by your birth mother. I am guessing your birth mother not being there for you hurts more than ever now your stepmother is gone.

I hope you and your Dad will be able to support each other through this awful time.

Mothers and Fathers are people ; some are good, some bad. Sadly some women don't have the maternal instinct, or can't continue caring for their children after the age of 2, (poss. because they weren't cared for after that age).

When people had big families they just used to let them 'play' out on the streets or fields when they began to walk, the LOs were lucky if they were cared for by their older siblings. It was because the mother had ANOTHER baby to care for.

I reckon that we all subconsciously 'take in' how we were mothered and or fathered when we were little.

I think giving birth does make you a mum actually. Not necessarily a good one though. I also dont agree with the phrase "you only get one" because that isnt necessarily true at all. Id say you have 2 mums.

'Mother' is a neutral term. It is the word given to females who have given birth.

Society has attached additional cultural values to the word. When we think of the word, we tend to associate certain things with it based on these values and expectations. Society expects mothers to be good, but if they are not good that does not mean that they cease to be mothers. The word 'mothering' encapsulates the word mother and this cultural value, which doesn't help. But 'mother' still technically is a neutral word.

I think breaking down the language helps to separate words from cultural values.

The word 'Mum' tends to add a sense of affection to the word 'mother'. I don't think the words Mum and mother are necessarily interchangable as a result. Some people do still call their mother Mum despite a lack of affection - but even this still includes the expectation of affection even if its absent, which the word mother does not contain.

Generally speaking when we reference to animals we are much more likely to use the work mother rather than Mum to describe the relationship between baby and the female that gave birth to it. Unless we are using it for an animal or pet we hold particular affection for. Or its a child who doesn't have enough subconscious cultural knowledge to understand the difference between 'mummy' and mother.

YANBU.

The amount of replies that are saying 'If you have given birth you are a mother' are pissing me off given the sensitive nature of this subject.

My 'egg donor', as I prefer to think of her, fucked off when I was small after giving me a shit start in life and abused me for 4 years. She didn't want me and made it known. She is not, and never has been, a mother or mum just because I was expelled from her foof. She has never wanted a thing to do with with me since the day she left and denies my exisitance to this day. She would certainly not refer to herself as a mother.

I do admit to rolling my eyes when someone posts about a difficult parent and always, always someone pops on to tell them they should be grateful they have one because some people don't. I can't tell if it's some sort of gloating they had a loving parent or not.

Another woman gave you the love that the woman who gave birth to you didn't. That makes her your mum imo. Sorry for your loss

It's impossible (and actually quite hurtful) to make sweeping, general statements about matters like this. Every situation is different.

I completely agree with you, my partners 'mum' walked out on him and his siblings on his birthday and she's never tried to see them. She wanted half of everything in the divorce but no access to her children. At that point she stopped being a mother imo.

His step mum has been more of a mother than she's ever been.

I agree - giving birth and becoming a mother does not automatically make you a mum.
Being a mum is about loving and caring for your child, regardless of whether or not you gave birth to said child.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum, and that your birth mother is so uninterested in you.

YANBU. Similarly a bloke who gets someone pregnant then buggers off is not a dad.

She is your birth mum only, not your real mum. My preferred term for mine is gene donor.

It's impossible (and actually quite hurtful) to make sweeping, general statements

Very true, but nothing wrong with you defining your terms OP.

I have a "mum" and a "mother". My mother gave me life and has been in my life much like a divorced part time Disney Dad. We have our issues, mainly from my transition to adulthood which seemed to hit her that her final chances in my childhood were gone, but she wasn't a toxic influence in my childhood. Had we have lived together, I suspect we would have had personality clashes when I ceased to be a pretty living dolly to dress nicely and buy toys for. She has always loved me in her own ways, but the day to day "mothering" and being mum was done by my Grandma and I have been loved as one of her own children. My grandma is my "mum".

We recognise that a biological father can be little more than a donor father or a part time Disney Dad. We are very poor at recognising that not all mothers are equal. I despair on just about every thread when someone is painfully realising in adulthood just how toxic and uncaring their mother is and that they need to go NC/ or low contact when some idiot inevitably chips in with how ungrateful they are, and you only get one and you'll miss them when they're dead, and how they long for their late mother and would be so grateful for yet another insulting phonecall to shred their self esteem.

My sympathies to you OP. It's hard enough when a parent does not fulfill their duties. It's even harder when it's not recognised that someone else has taken up that role and been "mum" (or dad, but this is better recognised)

I think giving birth was a big part of my early days as a mum, as frankly it was all I had to go on; however over the years, being a mum has come to encompass so many other things to me that the original popping the baby out bit is quite a small part of the whole.Therefore to me it can be a feature of being a mum, but is not a defining one.

I'm sorry for your loss

I stand by the belief that being a parent is not in the sole act of making/delivering a child.

Obviously, they are the mother/father to the baby and nothing can change that, but being a mum or a dad is a very special thing that birth does not immediately guarantee.

A 'parent' loves, nurtures, protects and supports in the hard and the easy. Irrelevant of birth.

"...it's love that turns a woman into a mum (like your dear step mum)..."

@SuchAToDo has put it perfectly, @Changedtoprotect, and I am so sorry for your loss.

We recognise that a biological father can be little more than a donor father or a part time Disney Dad. We are very poor at recognising that not all mothers are equal

Agree with this

Sorry for your loss OP

I agree with others that it feels that more can recognize biological fathers who aren't really dads than the same with mothers and that - especially when struggling dealing a parent - having people go on about how we should be grateful and how important that relationship is can be quite hurtful as well as unhelpful.

I remember during the birth of my youngest one of the midwives on finding out I'm an immigrant asked when my mother was going to visit and went on and on about how great and important that was - I ended up lying because I couldn't at that time deal with explaining to a stranger the situation with my mother or deal with whatever her reaction was going to be to that (usually pity, optimism that something will bring us back together, disbelief and continuing on with how important it is or awkward silence). Thankfully as my kids have gotten older, fewer people seem to make those types of comments to me.

I've come to a place where I can recognize my mother was put through a lot of shite and there is nothing anyone can do that will make that better or right & I wish she'd had better options and support - but there is nothing she or anyone can do to make what she did to me and my siblings right either. It took many years of my trying because even after everything I kept feeling like it was somehow partially my fault, but came to accept that nothing would make it right and we'd done what most people do when that happens - we each (as did my father and brother) moved on with our lives and I had to work to get that support I wanted elsewhere. I'm glad your stepmum could be that for you

I believe that your family is what you make it. I don't believe that bringing a child into the world makes you a parent; being a parent is a choice you make. So sorry for your loss x

YANBU. The woman who gave birth to me dumped me in foster care as soon as she could, she never was and never will be my Mum. She’s just a fucking coward.

My Mum is the beautiful lady who adopted me, cared for me, supported and loved me.