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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Think That Providing Domestic Services is Equal to Financial Contribution

22 replies

GirlInASwirl · 02/10/2018 21:23

So here it is,

I am not able to return to work for a while because I am re-couperating from a broken back. I do all the housework whilst my partner lazes oh his phone/x box. The weight of the work is delaying my recovery. I contribute to food (weekly), care for our four cats and some bills (as an when, but admittedly sparingly). I feel like poo because I am unable to work and meet finances more equally (I have been the main breadwinner previously). The benefits system has been a joke and supporting my son and me without that help is not going to work.

My partner works and the benefits system suggests that he is able to support all three of us. He is playing 'lord of the manor'.

I am trying to cut a deal where I carry on doing all I can at home, pay where I can etc etc.

He is not happy and whats to make a deal whereby I pay him back financially later.

Thing is - the relationship is going down the pan anyway (He has a form of Autism which I struggle to live with - verbally nasty on daily basis etc. Zero compassion.

He doesn't think that I am doing enough. I am doing so much my physio is telling me to slow down.

Question - Should my contribution be seen as equal financially to his in the circumstances? If he was to buy in domestic services to cover what I do I think he would then appreciate its financial value.

What to slap his arrogant ass (metaphorically of course)

Over to you.

OP posts:

NailsNeedDoing · 02/10/2018 21:49

If the relationship is going down the pan anyway, what's stopping you from getting out now?

Babyshark2018 · 02/10/2018 21:56

He wants you to pay him back?

He doesn’t sound very supportive OP. A relationship means being there for each other, I have had times of unemployment due to various reasons but DH supports me because we are a team.

I wouldn’t get into a debate with him about cleaning contributions etc. as I doubt he’ll care. I’d reevaluate the relationship.

Sounds like an awful situation, hope you feel better soon and get your operation sorted.

BlueBug45 · 02/10/2018 22:01

Your relationship isn't a partnership which it should be of you live together. If one of you is sick the other gives them space to get better regardless of their domestic and/or financial contribution.

Can you imagine yourself with your OH if you had something like dementia? Nope? Then work out how to leave asap.

SummerInSun · 03/10/2018 11:17

Sorry you are going through such a tough time. You absolutely shouldn’t feel bad. Rain falls in every life, and in a true partnership you look after each other in those times, and don’t count up the five and take. Ask yourself - how would you behave if the situation were reversed? Really, I think you should get out.

However, as you’ve asked how to demonstrate your value, two rough and ready mathematical approaches spring to mind.

One is to work out how many hours a day you spend on housework - I bet it’s at least 5 if you are doing all the cooking, cleaning and laundry. Multiply that by the hourly rate of a good cleaner / housekeeper, which is at least £10-£12 per hour. Then multiply that by the number of days you are off work, and that’s the value to your family of your contribution. If there are three of you in the house, then his “share” is at least one-third, though if you son is young I’d argue it is one half, since the child can’t reasonably be expected to do much.

The second approach is to divide his monthly gross pay by the number of hours he works each month. That gives you a rough “value” for his time. Multiply his hourly rate by the number of hours of housework he would be doing each month if he were doing 50% (or one third if you child is only enough to do a fair share) and that the value of the leisure time he is “buying” from you by getting you to do everything while he plays on his phone.

Either way, if there is to be any talk of debt and repayment, the value of what you are providing to him should be factored into that calculation.

But frankly, do you really want to live like this? You are ignoring medical advice and jeapordising your recovery to do this man’s laundry, clean up his messes and cook his meals? Sounds like you really deserve better.

TedAndLola · 03/10/2018 11:20

I don't think cleaning the house is equal to paying for the house but that is totally beside the point. You are TOO ILL to work and any partner with an ounce of compassion wouldn't be expecting you to contribute anything besides trying to heal.

I'd be ignoring his nonsense - nod and smile if it shuts him up - and planning how I'm going to get away from him.

thecatsthecats · 03/10/2018 11:29

This isn't about whether housework is an equal contribution to the household. This is about a wholseale dickhead accepting and loving you even though you legitimately CAN'T provide the same as him to the household.

From each according to ability to each according to their need. He's expecting you to 'payback' when your ability is better as if it's a zero sum game, assuming that he'll never need your support in the same way. It's genuinely appalling.

(Way, way separate from that point - no, keeping house for someone isn't the same as going out to earn money in the vast majority of circumstances. My fiance and I both work, and both keep house after/around work. There's no way it equals work for us, or that I'd expect either of us to be happy with the other just choosing to stay home and 'keep house' whilst the other worked. But this is so, so far from you situation.)

JoeElliotsMullet · 03/10/2018 11:40

He shouldn't be trying to make you "cut a deal", you have a broken back ffs! A decent, loving partner would be picking up the slack while you're getting better, and not complaining about it either or expecting recompense! I would be packing his bags op...

Feefeetrixabelle · 03/10/2018 11:43

Tell him you’ve decided to pay half of everything because you’ve got a job. Then provide him with an invoice for caring for the house. Break down everything. That’s your job.

Also kick his arse to the curb because he doesn’t sound worth keeping.

VimFuego101 · 03/10/2018 11:47

'Cut a deal'? You are meant to be a partnership. In extreme situations like this one that means that one person may be too ill to either work or really do much in the house and the other has to step up.

BonfiresOfInsanity · 03/10/2018 11:53

Genuinely, leave the fucker. If he's not around at least you will be able to claim the benefits that will enable you not to feel beholden to such a selfish arsehole.

flipflopping · 03/10/2018 11:58

He sounds horrendous. What you are describing is not a partnership in any sense. I would leave as soon as you feel physically able to. I would also prioritise saving money (rather than putting every penny towards bills) to enable you to do so.

Original poster

GirlInASwirl · 03/10/2018 16:21

Thank you for all your contributions so far. You are all suggesting things I already know at heart. As you say; for me its not about money - its about compassion for another and give and take in relationships. I think he has twisted beliefs whereby if he 'pays' he is doing everything he needs to look after his partner. He has even said 'course I look after you, I pay for everything don't I?' (please note exaggeration there - he does not pay for EVERYTHING). There is also an element of emotional blackmail when he says things like this, like I have become ill on purpose?! Its bad enough having daily pain, physio and wearing a back brace without having to feel guilty about it too.

OP posts:

PinkHeart5914 · 03/10/2018 16:27

But cleaning isn’t equal to earning a wage becuase well doing the chores won’t pay the mortgage or buy food will it, Yes your have a clean house but still end up homeless!

However you relationship is almost over anyway by the sounds of it so does any of this matter?

No way should one partner be paying for everything but each couple act like adults and find a balance of what is fair for them in the circumstances they have

Loopytiles · 03/10/2018 16:35

The theoretical questions about the true worth of domestic vs paid worh don’t matter.

What matters is you’re in an abusive relationship (verbal and financial abuse), are currently unfit for work so not earning money, and not married so are financially vulnerable.

He has clearly shown you that you cannot rely on him. So you need to take care of yourself and your DC.

Your top priority must be your health, building up to a return to paid work as soon as possible health wise. So don’t do any domestic work whatsoever for him, or give him any money - you will need it when the relationship ends. Investigate possibilities for benefits, housing etc and make a plan.

Loopytiles · 03/10/2018 16:36

Let him pay for everything. Keep your limited money in a sole account.

pallisers · 03/10/2018 16:40

No way should one partner be paying for everything

even if the other partner is temporarily incapable of work because she has a broken back?

I sometimes wonder what people think a partnership is for exactly? Just sex and sharing the bills equally?

Can't you just leave, OP? is there anywhere else you could stay while you are recovering.

Brakebackcyclebot · 03/10/2018 16:45

My goodness. If my DH told me, while I was recovering from a broken BACK that I wasn't "doing enough" and he wanted to come to "a deal" whereby I pay him back later, I would be totally gobsmacked and then tell him to sling his hook.

Poor you OP. Are you able to leave?

butterfly56 · 03/10/2018 17:01

Put you and your health and wellbeing first and foremost.
He's chipping away at your self esteem at a time when he should be being supportive.
If the shoe were on the other foot and he had broke his back you can bet your neck he would be expecting you to do absolutely everything and pay everything too.
You will be a lot better off without this waste of space in your life and you will get better a lot quicker without him!

butterfly56 · 03/10/2018 17:03

Oh and I would not be making any deals with him to pay him anything...WTAF!!

Hadalifeonce · 03/10/2018 17:10

You need to heed your physio's advice, and cut down on the physical activities; living with permanent pain or a disability caused by doing too much is horrendous.
Don't feel guilty, and there is no point trying to reason with him; you can't reason with the unreasonable.

What exactly will he do if you cut down on what you are doing?

Original poster

GirlInASwirl · 03/10/2018 17:32

Let me just clarify one thing - the house is his (solely) so I haven't offered to contribute to the mortgage anyway. I have however; decorated most of it in the last 8 years mainly off my money (wish I hadn''t now) - but could not live in a ruin.

And like i said previously; I do contribute to bills, food etc regularly/as I can. He says he pays for everything - its an exaggeration and denegrates my contribution

And if I don't do what I am doing now. He will nothing more. And I can't live in a sXXXt tip.

OP posts:

Hadalifeonce · 03/10/2018 17:43

Could you afford to pay for a cleaner, just until you are back to full fitness? Then I really thing you have to re evaluate you relationship.

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