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AIBU?

Aibu MIL being sneaky.

23 replies

pickleandspud · 02/10/2018 19:54

So hubby knocked me up fairly quickly after meeting and we got married when our baby was tiny. It’s been 8 years now but there have been issues....... I will start at the beginning.
When baby was 6 months old she MIL went from local to living 300 miles away.
She would visit sat every 6-8 weeks and take baby out ‘to give me a rest’
After 2-3 years, yes years I found out she was meeting an old friend, even though telling me she was just going to the park the 2 of them. Turns out old friends significant other is in prison for a serious assault on a minor. They are all adamant it is mistaken identity, but I don’t know them, have never met them!
Now she wants my child for holidays just them, not me and hubby.
And she cried recently as it’s unfair my family have a close relationship with my little family.
I stopped the days out, and have refused the holiday.
She thinks I’m nuts and being rediculously over bearing !
Recent family wedding she spoke to everyone except me, not one word all day.
Hubby is upset as he agrees with me, but loves his mum and the recent tears of me excluding her made her feel awful!

We have never really been close but that was ok, I know she loves her family and everyone can’t gel.

Please tell me I’m not being mad!

The prob is I’m getting very close to blowing my lid, I’ve tried to be calm so far.

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Singlenotsingle · 02/10/2018 19:59

If you don't want to lend her your DC, then don't! If it makes you feel uncomfortable, there's probably a reason.
(And does the DC actually want to spend a holiday with the dgps?)

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FaithHopeAndSkulduggery · 02/10/2018 20:06

YANBU

Her sneaky stupid actions have had consequences.

She knew you would not agree to your dc visiting with that person so she made a decision that overrode your wishes. The result is that she cannot be trusted and her judgement can’t be trusted either.

You are the parents and even if she was going to visit the Virgin Mary and you said no, you are the parent so your word is final when it comes to your children. You may be mistaken, they may miss out but she had a chance with her children (regardless of whether she felt she did or not) now you have yours.

Tell her to read this thread.

Play stupid games: win stupid prizes.

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MrsStrowman · 02/10/2018 20:07

Surely if the friend's partner is in prison there's no risk to your DC?

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GreenTulips · 02/10/2018 20:09

You don't have to have a reason for not wanting your child to go. In this instance as your DH agrees with you, you just need a united front.

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ChocolateOrIDie · 02/10/2018 20:09

I've not heard of grandparents taking grandchildren away without the parents for holidays before, so I wouldn't be comfortable with this regardless. But the fact that she didn't tell you what she was doing those days out would ring alarm bells for me.

YANBU

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adreamofspring · 02/10/2018 20:13

Wow. YANBU. At best your mil is guilty of deceit and a serious lack of judgment. Neither of those qualities would make me comfortable leaving my kid with that person. If you’re interested in maintaining a GParent/Grandchild relationship then she’s got to earn back your trust - over time. But I wouldn’t blame you for restricting contact altogether . It’s probably what I would do.

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pickleandspud · 02/10/2018 20:16

She demands she is visited, we're skint so can't drop everything to visit whenever she demands it,
Yes I see what your saying about the partner in prison, but my issue is I only found out when my son started talking about nanny's friend, she denied and then eventually admitted it, no explanation for the deception.
All I can think is what else ??

And I didnt want to put anymore detail , but it was a sexual assault.

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aaaaargghhhhelpme · 02/10/2018 20:26

She lied by omission. How on earth can you trust her with your child?!

And as for them being in prison so it’s all fine there many stories of paedophiles partners being complicit - women taking photos of children for their new partner etc. I wouldn’t be happy at all. And your mil must have known something as she didn’t tell the op for years.

She can whine about the lack of relationship but frankly if she moved hundreds of miles away she must have known that would make it harder?

Your oh needs to step up on this one. And as for holiday without you - she can sod off. Honestly.

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Seniorschoolmum · 02/10/2018 20:28

Op, your child is not a toy or a performing dog for your MIL to play with. If she wants to see dgc, she can come and see you all, including her ds, at your home.

Your child, your choice, end of discussion.

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aaaaargghhhhelpme · 02/10/2018 20:29

Oh and how did your dh react when she blanked you at the wedding? He needs to be on your side.

If he didn’t do anything she will see it as a chink in the armour. You need a united front.

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MrsStrowman · 02/10/2018 20:30

@pickleandspud she was wrong to deceive you and I understand why that upsets you, but there is no risk to your child from someone in prison. His partner who your mum is visiting isn't a sex offender. This isn't about risk it's about trust, trust can be rebuilt. All her directly why she wasn't up front with you. She hasn't put your child in any danger, I make a living out of these kinds of risk assessments.

@ChocolateOrIDie you've never heard of grandparents taking gravity on holiday without parental supervision? I have many a find memory of holidays with my grandparents, mum and dad both worked, wet had the whole summer off, we'd go for a week away with GPs, sometimes mum and dad would come for the weekend if it wasn't too far. DH went all over with his GPs, nan was a retired history teacher, took him to Athens, Rome and Pompeii. His parents had to work too so could have a few weeks off over summer but not six.

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pickleandspud · 02/10/2018 20:33

Yes that's my argument, why lie??
I've always found her quite odd, hoes on about her healing hands while moaning how ill she is.
Was local for a week recently, saw her for 2 hours only, and that was mainly to say how she was feeling sad about her lack of relationship with my boy.
It's not happening at all, no way. Just wanted to make sure it wasn't all in my head.
Really annoys he though that ds fave person is my mum.

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MrsStrowman · 02/10/2018 20:33

@aaaaargghhhhelpme
This is incredibly rare, I speak from a professional perspective. Scaremongering is unhelpful.

And as for them being in prison so it’s all fine there many stories of paedophiles partners being complicit - women taking photos of children for their new partner etc

OP has other reasons to not be ok with MIL and can cut contact if she pleases, especially as DH agrees, don't let this develop into sex offender hysteria.

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woollyheart · 02/10/2018 20:41

She has shown that she is not trustworthy.

It is unusual for grandparents to take children away on holiday without parents. I was asked by PIL if they could take our dc away on a holiday without us and with other adults. There were no known safety issues, but we said no. It doesn't seem appropriate when they are away with other adults who you don't know that well and who may not appreciate children being around 100% of the time. It seemed to us that they were mixing an adult holiday with a family one.

I thought that there was an element of showing dc off to friends, but I am sure their friends would have been sick of towing a toddler around everywhere, and would want to have their usual boozy evenings.

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Aprilislonggone · 02/10/2018 20:44

Get her a rescue dog. Your dc isn't a bloody toy.

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SandAndSea · 02/10/2018 20:45

I don't think you sound unreasonable at all.
She doesn't get to demand access to your child. That's not how it works. And she doesn't get more rights by treating you badly (I would tell her that). Personally, I would do what YOU feel is right for you and I wouldn't reward her current behaviour.

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pickleandspud · 02/10/2018 20:54

@woollyheart I travelled lots as a kid with my grandparents, and I suffer arthritis and fibromyalgia, so if I'm honest I could do with a break, only a couple of days mind u!
But the same as all of us, I'm a mum 1st, I can't get past Lieing about something so serious.

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diddl · 02/10/2018 20:56

"Hubby is upset as he agrees with me, but loves his mum "

Why is he upset?

His mum can still see her GS-just not alone!

Lots of GPs don't take their Gc away on holiday-or even to the park for that matter!

Why did she move so far away?

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woollyheart · 02/10/2018 21:00

Was she going to take them on holiday on her own or with other people?

Mind you, it's not worth asking because she has form for lying.

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Chilli21 · 02/10/2018 21:19

I am a great believer in trusting your gut instinct.

Why did your MIL lie about going to the park? I would be extremely concerned about what was happening when she was with her GC and quite rightly this has caused your alarm.

Also, it seems your MILs friends partner assault on a minor is being minimised, which is extremely concerning. This person will have been tried in a court and the evidence would have been compelling for him to receive a custodial sentence. Also, he could have a previous history of offending.

You are absolutely right to say no. MIL has broken your trust and therefore you have no choice but to insist upon supervising contact between your DC and MIL.

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aaaaargghhhhelpme · 02/10/2018 21:19

Mrs strowman - I’m not scaremongering. I’m speaking from experience.

It’s all beside the point anyway. She lied. She doesn’t get to demand anything.

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LemonAndLimeJuice · 02/10/2018 21:23

YABU, for saying you were “knocked up”, but at least you didn’t “fall pregnant” as that really gets on my nerves as it pretty nonsensical.

However I agree, I wouldn’t let the woman take my child out alone, and would never let her or anyone else take the child away on holiday.

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pickleandspud · 03/10/2018 10:00

And with all of this, I have a teen daughter who is never included in any if these requests, dd and dh have a brilliant relationship, he adopted her age 5.
In conclusion mil and other in laws are twats! 🖕

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