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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Schools treatment of disabled relative

53 replies

BlueBucket · 02/10/2018 16:38

DH went to get the kids from school today with his godfather who's in a wheelchair and has a few other problems including speech. Younger kids were released to DH and left with GF in the playground while DH went round the school to get older DS.

All of them were absolutely fine, no reason for anybody to be concerned or get involved, both kids were sat on GF's lap chatting to him. A teacher (who doesn't teach any of my kids) came nearby and told them both to get off from there, GF put his arms round them to hold them up and tried to explain they were fine, he stuttered no and couldn't say this immediately but if she had waited and came closer he would have been able to. She stayed back and told the kids that they both needed to come with her now which they did as she's a teacher and they obviously didn't think she was trying to get them away from their GP but that they had to do or get something from the school. Kids had gone past and said bye to GF, teacher turned back around and said that she will take them to find their parents and that he could leave now. He knew what she had assumed, knew he wasn't strong enough to rush over or explain himself properly so went to wait outside of the gates knowing DH would be back in a minute.

Kids were asked lots of questions by the teacher that they didn't understand and she was asking staff where their dad had gone, to go and get him and to check the old man in the wheelchair had left on his own. Kids were both crying when DH came back thinking something bad had happened to GF, nobody got an apology when he explained and he then ran out with the kids to find DF so didnt finish the conversation

DF is devastated that she just assumed he was going to hurt his grandchildren and that he wasn't able to straight away speak up for them and save them from being upset, all the kids are still upset as they think something bad has happened that we aren't telling them.

AIBU to be really angry and upset over this?

I can't tell if she actually behaved as horribly as I'm thinking she did or if I'm just overreacting because everyone in the house is upset right now and that even though she got it very wrong she was only trying to protect my kids. What would you be saying to the school tomorrow?

OP posts:
Original poster
BlueBucket · 02/10/2018 17:32

There is always unknown adults in the playground though which is why set people have to go up to the door and collect their children from the teacher one at a time first. As she doesnt teach either of them, I can't imagine she knew that GF wasnt someone who was allowed to pick them up even if she had saw them with DH earlier.

OP posts:
BigArmo · 02/10/2018 17:32

Do teachers know every single family member who enters the school ? The teacher had released the dc to dh already. Maybe she should have waited to see what gf had to say. Or is everyone who is in a wheelchair and stutters a pervert. Hmm

I’ve had lots of different family members with me picking up the children. One waiting with them while I went to pick up the other one. No one reacted in that way ever.

Original poster
BlueBucket · 02/10/2018 17:36

He raised DH and so is his dad and the kids grandad just not by blood, they just use godfather/first name to describe him instead.
Though surely it doesnt actually matter who he is or how we know him? He is an adult we trust with our children and who was looking after them properly

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 02/10/2018 17:37

She should've asked the children who the man was and if he was known to them - she could've asked which parent had collected them

She handled this badly and without any empathy

Children wouldn't normally go and sit on a strangers lap - so I would've assumed it was someone they knew.

I'd certainly ask for an explanation and reiterate the upset caused

YouTheCat · 02/10/2018 17:40

If the children were interacting and on his lap, happily, why would anyone assume they didn't know him? It really isn't a safeguarding issue.

Thesmallthings · 02/10/2018 17:40

Ynb

How did the teacher know the gf had been the one picking them up? The teacher wasn't the one who had released the children?

If they thought he was some weirdo then they should spoke to the man, found out his reason for being there and if it satisfied with his answer phoned the police. That's a safeguarding policy.

I would complain they have handled this so so so wrong.

RebelRogue · 02/10/2018 17:43

Actually most schools have a policy of removing the children from the situation and then ringing the parent to check/confirm.

YouTheCat · 02/10/2018 17:45

What situation? There was no situation. The children were with a person they knew.

Aragog · 02/10/2018 17:54

It all seems a strange over reaction on the part of the teacher, who wasn't the one involved in releasing the children to their parent/adult. It certainly isn't the way I would go about it, nor who our school policy would work.

I don't think it is disablist particularly. It is more likely to be making assumptions about an older male - again, not good anyway.

If concerned, the teacher, should have spoken to the children and asked them politely who the gentleman was, and where dad was. We would always ask the children first, rather than the adult, anyway. By school age, and in this case presumably EYFS and Year 1, they would be able to say who he was and that dad had just gone to get XYZ.

The teacher could have also, if worried, simply stood nearby and kept an eye on things, until they either started to leave or dad returned.

Unless she assumed the other teacher(s) had just allowed the children to leave without an adult or with a stranger, then they shouldn't really have needed to interfere. Was the teacher thinking the other class teachers weren't doing their job right?

I certainly don't know every adult who picks up in our school. Our playground at home time is busy and full of people, young and old. The class teachers release to the child to an adult - the rest of the staff don't have the list for that day of any changes to the list and wouldn't presume to take over in this manner.

I think the teacher handled the whole thing badly. I would speak to the other class teachers involved in the morning just to clarify what happened and why, and what the school policy is for other adults in the playground.

Original poster
BlueBucket · 02/10/2018 19:17

There was definately no situation that they needed to be removed from, thats not our school policy and once children are collected by set adult from the class they are usually free to interact with whoever they like on the playground. I appreciate that she could of been concerned if she didnt recognise him and then wanted to check but there was no need to panic two little children and speak to another adult who was doing nothing wrong like that.
We'll go and ask to speak to someone in the morning.

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 02/10/2018 19:21

Teacher didn't recognise random man on the playground whose lap children were sitting in and couldn't see a parent. Schools are shit got on safeguarding these days
This.

They released the children to their dad, then they are children with an unknown adult and the dad isn't anywhere to be seen.
It was handled clumsily but I see their point. I doubt they'd have gone out if they could see their dad.

missymayhemsmum · 02/10/2018 19:28

It was clumsily handled, and if dgf hadn't been disabled (but had been a tall, well dressed, articulate grandad, for instance it would have been handled more courteously and with more respect for the family. All the teacher needed to was to ask the kids to introduce their ?grandad? and then to stay chatting until parent returned.

Original poster
BlueBucket · 02/10/2018 19:30

But why did they need to be rushed off and frightened? She could have came over checked with the kids who he was and where their dad was, spoken to GF and then stayed with them untill he got back.
Everday the playground is full of random adults, theres no rules about bringing other people with you just that the kids can only be released by their teacher to set people. We've got 3 children in the school who each need to be collected from different points, most parents will leave kids already collected with family/friend in the playground while they get others.

OP posts:
Squidgee · 02/10/2018 19:42

That's why you need to raise it. This wasn't safeguarding, this was letting her personal prejudice guide her actions. Its disgusting ageist, sexist and disablist behaviour.

MidniteScribbler · 03/10/2018 00:53

It was badly handled, but just think of it from the other side. If this man were a stranger and she let your children leave with him, how badly wrong could that have gone?

There are a lot better ways of handling things though 'Oh Joey, I've got a book you need to take to your mum, can you come with me to my classroom and pick it up?' gets the child out of the situation quietly and then you can question them. "Hi, I'm Mrs X, Joey's teacher. I haven't seen you here before picking him up?'. Many other ways to deal with it.

Wingedharpy · 03/10/2018 01:23

I can see both sides of this OP.
Just another thought, you said teacher spoke to GF and he struggled to get his words out due to his speech impediment.
Is it possible she thought he was drunk?
If so, that could possibly explain her approach and handling of the situation.
What doesn't seem to be in any doubt is that her motivation was the welfare and safety of your children so I personally wouldn't feel too badly disposed towards her.
I may not feel so benevolent if I was a wheelchair bound, elderly man though!

UnrelentingFruitScoffer · 03/10/2018 01:47

This story is very sad. The saddest part is the people on this thread who don’t think the teacher was rude and aggressive or who seek to excuse it.

This hysteria about children is peculiar to the UK. The idea that the merest, faintest whiff of a possibility of a safeguarding issue justifies almost any kind of extreme behaviour by school staff is just odd. Of course they should check, but to start that check by assuming without any evidence that something urgently criminal is taking place is just absurd.

Applesandpears23 · 03/10/2018 02:05

YANBU I have a reception age child and a member of staff who hadn’t met the grandparents was unsure if they should be doing pick up so she very politely asked them to wait whilst the office called me. It was a bit annoying because they had collected ok before and had the password but it was handled well and my child just had to chat to the teacher and gps for a few minutes which wasn’t frightening at all.

MaisyPops · 03/10/2018 06:49

UnrelentingFruitScoffer
I don't think the teacher handled it well, but they were right to intervene if they saw the children with an unknown adult and their parent not in sight.
Trying to argue it's disablist or ageist as some have is over the top.

Angrybird345 · 03/10/2018 06:52

I think the teacher handled it very badly. I’d complain.

FullOfJellyBeans · 03/10/2018 06:58

YANBU, surely there are often other adults in the school. The kids were released to their parent so there was no reason to be concerned. She should have waited for the man to articulate an explanation and certainly not asked questions in a way which made the kids cry.

HellenaHandbasket · 03/10/2018 07:02

Yanbu at all, I'd be raising it. Poor chap

MondayImInLove · 03/10/2018 07:49

This is about the sitting on the lap of an unknown man, nothing about the wheelchair, why did you put that in your title Confused

zzzzz · 03/10/2018 07:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Willow2017 · 03/10/2018 08:27

She handled it badly.
She didnt actually aak the juds nor interact with the GF just went off on her own prejudices.
How upsetting for everyone.
She isnt thier teacher so doesnt know thier relatives at all just decided man, kids on his lap = pervert.
I would be having words. Would she ignore a disabled child if they were not quick enough to reply to her? Or just ignore them too?
It would only have taken a minute to talk to GP and kids to find out who he was. If school only release kids to parents then she should have used her brain.
Scaring the kids and treating gp like that was wrong it was obvious from kids reactions she was taking them away from a trusted person and she needs training in how to talk to someone with speech difficulties and get rid of her prejudices.