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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry about losing my bond with my baby?

21 replies

Cuzcospoison · 02/10/2018 15:35

My husband and I are doing shared parental leave, mainly because he works upwards of 70 hours per week and his job is incredibly high stress, though he doesn’t get paid much more than me. He has taken this on since we had our 4 yo in order to support us, and now I want to facilitate more family time. I will be going back to work at the beginning of November, when my LO is 18 weeks.

I’m starting to realise that when we made this decision, I maybe hadn’t bonded as much with my baby as I have now, and I am having a major wobble. I feel like I’m only just getting to know him. My husband is a terrific dad and I don’t have any concerns that my son will be fine if a little unsettled initially - he is currently EBF but will take a bottle (plan on expressing and have a decent supply) and is a pretty easygoing baby, sleeps well etc - it’s me that I’m worried about. I’m terrified that I’m going to lose my bond with my baby and I just know I’m going to miss him dreadfully. I will be working full time, office hours but with one day per week from home.

AIBU to worry that I will lose that bond with my son? I’m also worried that I will resent the time that my husband gets with him, which I know is stupid as most men only get 2 weeks to bond before returning to full time work.

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 02/10/2018 15:42

YABU to think you will lose your bond with your son. That will last for life. Yes you will miss him. By letting your dh build a strong bond w him you are giving them both an amazing gift.

I went back to work fulltime leaving ds1 in the care of my mum (part time) and dh. It made a huge, huge difference to his confidence as a dad and it meant ds1 had 3 adults who he was completely happy to have care for him. Ultimately I decided I didnt want to work full time whilst he was little and at 14 mo we agreed that Id be a SAHM and dh would earn the money. That was the right decision for me us as a family but I dont regret trying the alternative. If you have to work, or think you might want to work then it might be good to try this. It will put you in a strong position if you want to move on to shared care and shared work in the future.

londonrach · 02/10/2018 15:56

Seriously op you wont. The bond is for life. My sister bonded after she gave up breast feeding and returned to work as mummy time then became fun time. I totally understand why you worrying but it be ok x

ChocolateRaisin · 02/10/2018 16:01

You won’t lose your bond but I do think that’s very early to go back to work. I personally couldn’t go back so soon. I think it’s very important for a baby to spend as much time with their mum as possible whilst they are so little.

Sunshiness · 02/10/2018 16:30

I do understand how you feel, I was the same in similar situation. I think it feels different to us mothers than to the dads. Can you keep the SPL plans but just push them back a bit? In my experience a bit more time makes a big difference.

VioletCharlotte · 02/10/2018 16:38

You won't lose your bond. It's not easy and you'll miss him loads to start with I'm sure, but it won't impact on your relationship with him. If it helps, I went back to work full time when DS1 was 8 weeks old. He's 19 now and we have a fantastic bond!

Original poster

Cuzcospoison · 02/10/2018 16:59

Thanks all - I know it is very early. It’s entirely likely that given the choice now I would delay, but unfortunately all of the wheels that we have set in motion can’t easily be reversed, and I think on the whole this plan is better for our family life. DH’s hours are really impacting on our family life and his mental health, and are only going to get worse over Christmas. Many thanks for the reassurance - I know we will still have time together and hopefully it will be better quality when I’m not exhausted and solo parenting most of the time

OP posts:

Theorbo · 02/10/2018 16:59

It’s really easy to see why you might think you will lose your bond a little but you won’t. Totally different situation but I went to stay with DD and family when DGD was around 6 months. . I’d spent a lot of time with them after DGD was born but this time there was a 2 month gap since my last visit. When DD answered the door she was holding a very sleepy DGD who had just woken up from a nap. As I walked towards them both, DGD she held out her arms for me to take her and snuggled into my shoulder. I honestly didn’t expect her to even remember me after all that time . If a young baby can still have a bond with a grandparent she doesn’t see for weeks/months at a time, your bond will be absolutely ok I’m sure. It won’t be easy at first and you will miss her but truly the bond between you won’t be damaged by you going back to work. You’re her DM and incredibly special to her.

inquiquotiokixul · 02/10/2018 18:53

You will never lose your bond. We did something like this and it was really beneficial to our bonding as a family. DH and I understood eachother more and DC have a strong bond with both parents which I think was helped by both parents having been main carer

JustBecauseYouAreUniqueDoesNot · 02/10/2018 18:55

I did exactly this and it was brilliant. Baby is actually still closer with me than my husband which I did not expect at all. Good luck.

User12879923378 · 02/10/2018 19:00

That's when I went back and my husband took over. It is wonderful. The baby adores both of us. If one of us fell under a bus the baby would still be properly cared for - no "hilarious" not knowing how to change a nappy or what food to give. I agree that there's something a bit special about being a mum that no time apart can erase but it brings me so much joy to see how happy my husband and child are together and how amazing he is at taking care of her. I do miss her all the time we are apart but this is the only way it works for us and it's been so good for our bond as a family.

EnglishRose13 · 02/10/2018 19:03

I went back to work after 12 weeks. Husband took the rest of the time off (and then didn't go back!). You won't lose your bond. I promise. My boy is still a massive mummy's boy

Original poster

Cuzcospoison · 02/10/2018 19:10

Thank you so, so much. A few of these responses have genuinely put my mind at rest a little

OP posts:

JustBecauseYouAreUniqueDoesNot · 02/10/2018 19:27

I felt the same OP and used to Google it. I hope that in a year's time you'll look back on this with a smile and wonder why you ever worried about it (I do now!).

0lgaDaPolga · 02/10/2018 19:31

Honestly you won’t. It’s quality of time spent together not quantity. My 16 month old is with me all day and sees my husband about 1 hour a day max weekdays. They have the strongest bond. If anything he prefers his dad to me. The quality of the time they spend together on the weekends and evenings definitely makes up for the hours not spent together when he is at work.

missymayhemsmum · 02/10/2018 19:42

You won't lose your bond with your son, he will strengthen his bond with his dad. You are doing the right thing for your family. You will, however have to accept that he will parent differently to you, and that it is still (even in 2018) harder for dads to plug into the mutual support systems available to full time mums like toddler groups etc. What is difficult is to care for a baby who is used to being soothed with a breast when you can't do that. He will resent you for being the one the baby wants, you will resent him for being a home, and you will also probably come home to chaos after a long working day if his domestic routine skills are different to yours. You need to acknowledge those feelings as part of what you have chosen and focus on the advantages all round. Be gentle with each other. Enjoy your job.

Original poster

Cuzcospoison · 02/10/2018 19:58

Thank you for this - these are all of the things that I know will happen and are things that concern me, but I know that he will find his own way of coping and of doing things. I have accepted that there will be a transitional period and that it could well make things more difficult in some senses.

We are lucky in the sense that we have a very close knit group of friends with young children from our first round of NCT, and another one of the dads will be around a lot too due to having a seasonal business which is closed over the winter - I think he will have a decent amount of support on most days.

My husband also has the option of meeting me halfway work is 20mins away from home) at lunchtime for me to do a feed so he can have a quick break if he is struggling.

OP posts:

NotUmbongoUnchained · 02/10/2018 20:00

Unless you seriously think that all working parents have no bond with their children then you know you’re being silly.

I left my son at 4 weeks to go back to work and we have a very close bond.

SoundofSilence · 02/10/2018 20:01

I had to go back to work early with DS2 and DP opted to go part time and have him in the mornings. In the afternoon he went to nursery and I picked him up. They have a wonderful bond, and it hasn't come at the expense of my own bond with him; he is as loving and affectionate as his older sibling. It really took the pressure off me and we had lovely snuggly evening breastfeeds when we got home.

User12879923378 · 02/10/2018 20:04

It will be a wrench but I think I am a better mum because I get to do the job I love and the time I spend with her is always quality time that I love. I sometimes get to work from home and sometimes have to travel a lot so it can be quite erratic and I worried that that would affect our bond but not at all. She's so excited when I come in

CheesyMother · 02/10/2018 21:38

I know you are thinking that 18 weeks is very short compared to a whole year, but plenty of women aren't entitled to nearly as much leave and still have an excellent bond with their babies.

My mum went back to work (full time) when I was 12 weeks old and my bond with her didn't suffer.

It will be tough, but your baby will be with his dad. You know it's best for your family - that doesn't mean you can't be sad that you're not with your baby all the time. Just keep reassuring yourself that it is the right thing to do.

Tomatoesrock · 02/10/2018 23:39

The bond only gets better once it is there, besides you will be the fun parent in lots of ways. I know in this house DP who works long hours is always welcomed with big smiles, loads of laughs and hugs, unlike me who they expect to see so nothing exciting.

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