To stop Access

[Cantagreewithexever]

Sorry for the long post but don’t want to drip feed and I’ve name changed for this as I’m worried some of the details are outing.

We have two DC ages 10 and 2. Their father and I broke up when I was pregnant with DC2.

Their father phones to speak to DC1 between once a week and once fortnightly, sometimes it can be 3 weeks.

He sees them on average once every 3 weeks for either the day midday to evening or a few hours at my house, occasionally taking them to the local park/shops. I say on average because for a few weeks it will be once a week... then no contact for a month then one visit then nothing for 3 weeks. Etc.

Sometimes he will make arrangements with me and then not turn up, I’ll phone and get no answer, I’ll text and I might get a reply or I might not.

There is no set day or time against my wishes, he claims it’s because of work (he works a 9-5 and has his own business which means he works between 1 and 4 nights a week) He sometimes gives me a few days notice when he wants to see them and sometimes phones on the day.

I’ve suggested him having them every other weekend and he said he couldn’t commit to that due to work. Then I suggested one day every weekend... again he said he couldn’t commit to that. I suggested one evening during the week... same response. One day a month was my last suggestion and he said he could not commit to one set day due to his commitments.

So basically he’s not willing to shift on this at all. When there’s been a run where every time he’s wanted to see them we are busy as we already have plans, he gets irate and goes on about his rights to see his kids blah blah blah.

As some back story... With our youngest he was not there throughout the pregnancy for scans, had no input choosing names, was not at the birth nor did he sign the birth certificate and he didn’t see his children for almost a year. His choice...

DC1 has cried over this at school in the past and the teachers told me. When I informed him he said I was being extra and making a big deal out of nothing. DC1 has a neurological condition which means routine and order is very important.

AIBU to stop contact unless he agrees to a set day and time and sticks to it. Or am I flogging a dead horse?

You are flogging a dead horse.

All you can do is get your ducks in order: keep a diary of what contact he does have, any times he fall through and lets them down. Keep in touch with the school, they should have logged her responses, she is old enough to have her opinion taken into account.

You say he says he has a right.... I am assuming he is up to date with his child support payments and that he pays the CMS amount as a minimum???

I think you're being totally reasonable saying set dates and times. If he cant stick to it (as long as you're giving enough notice etc) then its his problem.

if he doesn't like it, he can take you to court, but that will only result in the same thing, ie set dates and times for access.

Yes he is upto date with Child support, we have a arrangement where he pays a set amount into my account every month but...
This is only calculated from his 9-5 job. He hasn’t told them about his other one and I haven’t chased it as I don’t have any details so no way of proving it. Also, I’m worried that he’ll stop payments.

When he goes on about his rights, point out that his children have the right to regular and consistent contact, especially with the SN.
This is about the children and not him.

Could you make a list of criteria. Must give at least 24 hours notice that he would like to visit, if you have other plans then it's tough and you won't be rearranging, he'll have to suggest another time etc. Maybe give him a list of dates and times saying you can make the children available during any of these times but still need at least 24 hours notice.

Do not run around planning your life on his whims. Make some ground rules and insist they are stuck to otherwise he can take you to court.
Meanwhile, keep meticulous records of what is arranged and when and, particularly, when he doesn't honour agreements. If you end up in court, his flakiness will be well documented.

If you are worried he will cease maintenence then you can always go through the csa.

Why do some men always think their wants and rights trump everyone else?

You can't make him into.a good father but personally I think if it's your way or the highway then the children may end up not seeing him at all and I don't think they'd want that either.

MumW - this is exactly it... his wants and how he chooses to live his life take priority. Thanks for the suggestions, the problem is that we will talk, argue, eventually come to some agreement... which he then doesn’t stick to. It’s infuriating! I will start keeping a written record.

RedHelenB - I think you’re right, that’s why I’ve kept up with this ridiculous arrangement for so long. Because it’s his way or nothing, he won’t bend at all and I wanted the kids to have contact but now I’m not sure I can see how it’s benefitting them as it currently stands.

OP I disagree with MumW on one thing. You but more importantly your children have a right to know well in advance when they will be seeing their dad. 24 hours is simply not enough notice especially as 10 year olds are well aware of days, school holidays etc. (I've sent you a PM. )

Parents don't have 'rights'. We have 'responsibilities'. Our children however have the right to a stable family life as much as possible. He currently isn't allowing that.

If i were you (have been in similar situation with DD who is now 6 & has NC with her father) i would tell him straight; it isn't fair on the children for him to be messing them around. Rather than change your plans for him, tell him that the children will be available on X days this week. If he chooses not to take that up for whatever reason, tough shit. Unless he starts being consistent then he doesn't get to call the shots imo.

I definitely agree that it’s the children’s rights not ours, I think I’ve been over accommodating in the past because I am pretty sure if I’m not he won’t bother seeing them at all.