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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want partners dad to want a key to the house??

47 replies

SometimesAWallflower · 02/10/2018 11:43

So, a little background information. I bought my house when I was single and own it solely. My partner moved in with me earlier this year but hasn't been added to the mortgage, house deeds etc. We are planning on getting married but nothing arranged yet.
Last week I noticed that there was a leak and as my OH's dad was popping round asked him to have a quick look to see whether he could figure out the problem. He couldn't. I have since discovered the problem and confirmed to him what it was, and its an easy fix that I said I could do myself.
However, he went to my OH and got his house key from him, let himself into my house and then told my OH he was going to get himself a key cut 'for future purposes' all without my knowledge.
I'm upset and angry and don't see why he needs a key? I'm also frustrated that all of this happened without my agreement? AIBU??

OP posts:

Original poster

SometimesAWallflower · 02/10/2018 11:57

Thank you all for your help and information. The support and comments have been really helpful for me.

I'll chat to OH when we get home, if a spare has already been cut I'll get him to ask for it back. OH is very supportive and knows that I'm upset by it and I think he feels upset that his dad made it sound like he had my agreement (I have no idea where that came from!)

I'm sure it'll be water under the bridge soon...

OP posts:

auntyflonono · 02/10/2018 11:59

Its good to set some boundaries clearly early on.

fuzzywuzzy · 02/10/2018 12:03

I wouldn’t give my house to a person who had not contiributed anything towards it!

Moving forward, if you choose to get married to your OH, get legal advice on how to ring fence your deposit etc just in case. It’s lovely and romantic and all giving a legal share to your oh but living in reality you don’t need the risk of being made homeless should your relationship not work out.

DP and I bought a house together putting in pretty much equal amounts so we are joint owners of our home together.

Prior to that I didn’t put him on my house or expect him to pay towards the mortgage or anything. He paid for food and as hoc expenses that arose. Which worked for us.

Think very carefully before giving your oh legal rights over your home. Get legal advice.

Tinty · 02/10/2018 12:12

FIL sprung it on him and didn't really give my OH an opportunity to say no at the time.

No he didn't. Your DP was just being a bit of a pushover. "Son I am going to get a key cut to sometimes house. "No Dad you can't do that, it is not my house." Surely this was all he needed to say.

MrsStrowman · 02/10/2018 12:18

OP I'm really sorry my mistake has derailed your thread. 🙈

For clarity:
OP DID NOT GIVE AWAY HER HOUSE, IT IS HERS, DP JUST MOVED IN, THAT IS ALL, I MISREAD HER OP.

ApolloandDaphne · 02/10/2018 12:20

Just get him to ask for it back and say that if you need him to look at or sort anything in future he can get the key but you want to keep keep holders to a minimum for insurance purposes.

KC225 · 02/10/2018 12:20

Your FIL was not on doing that. With all the best intentions, why didn't he ask you? Or ask your DP to ask you. I would feel undermined and would not be happy. I don't buy the 'DP was put on the spot'. All he had to say, 'Wait a minute, I need to run that by Sometimes, she may not want to'

Skittlesandbeer · 02/10/2018 12:22

Tinty has it right. Your DP played homeowner, trying to show himself as Da Man to his dad. Both of them are taking the piss. I’d reserve my greatest concern for the one who you’ll be apparently putting on the paperwork for real in the near future.

Put a cordon around your financial stake in this house. And stop letting people use 🤷🏻‍♂️ as an excuse for wrong behaviour.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/10/2018 12:26

Wow, that's shocking.
His dad had no business getting himself a key cut, how very fucking rude!!
Nope nope nope.

If your partner fails to retrieve said key, then change the lock. Seriously.

Sethis · 02/10/2018 12:26

As a one time thing, to fix a one time issue, I'd be a little miffed I hadn't been told, especially since I said I could sort it myself. But by the by, the job got done and it saved me some work. I'd feel neutral overall.

However "for future purposes" is a giant screaming "FUCK RIGHT OFF YOU NUTTER" phrase. There are NO future purposes where it would be okay for him to set foot in your house without your express permission and consent apart from possibly if it was on fire.

If his son was married to you, or the house was 50-50 or similar, then maybe, maybe not. But neither of those apply and so it's 100% not fucking okay. Give him a rocket.

SummerGems · 02/10/2018 12:30

IMO this is a bit of a storm in a teacup.

yes, the house belongs to the OP however in the eyes of her dp’s dad it is his home as he lives there. Hence why he asked his son for the key and not the OP - all this talk of it being her house so no-one having a right to ask her DP for the key is all just a bit pedantic, even if technically that’s accurate.

If the dad has been in to do jobs for the OP there then it stands to reason that a key might have benefited him. This has been made far too big a deal of but ultimately if they don’t want him to have a key then just say no.

My parents have a key to my house even though they don’t live locally. If they come down they sometimes let themselves in sometimes don’t, although I always know when they’re coming. But equally my dad does jobs for me sometimes when he’s here and then comes and goes. It makes sense for them to have a key in that instance.

If I were the DP though I would feel a bit put out if I was made to feel like the lodger in my own home which is essentially what the OP is doing here or what people are advising her to do by saying that he has no right to give access to his dad because it’s her house even though he lives there.

wafflyversatile · 02/10/2018 12:39

What summergems said.

He's got a key cut for his son's home. you don't want him to have the key, your dp is onboard with that and will ask for it back.

That said, if you are not around and your dp gets locked out is there someone locally who holds a spare? Couldn't that person be his dad?

He shouldn't have let himself in without one or other of you saying it was ok. I'll grant you that.

Molokonono · 02/10/2018 12:44

Where is the original key now?

MyBrexitGoesOnHoliday · 02/10/2018 12:44

I wouod have no issue with giving the house to key to my parents and PIL (and they bith have them)
I would have a MAJOR issue with learning that some keys have been cut wo me been aware about it. I’m that his dad just said he wouod have a copy cut wo asking first if he could do it/if your DP and you were happy about it.

The other thing that comes out is the fact you still see the house as YOUR house with only you having the responsibility for it
It’s understandable but I’m wondering if your DP feels that it’s his house too so can give a copy to whoever he wants wo asking you (even if he isn’t in the mortgage iyswim)

Jaxhog · 02/10/2018 12:48

Tbh if my BF did that and didn't see the issue with it he wouldn't be my BF much longer.

The issue isn't whether your OH's dad should have a key, it's that he agreed this without consulting you. It's a trust issue.

Dollymixture22 · 02/10/2018 12:52

I would feel uncomfortable. I know logically he only wants he key so he can nip in and make himself useful. Dads love to help with practical things for their kids.

But, you see this very much as your house and keys shouldn’t be given out without your permission.

You also know don’t know if this key will be used for emergencies or for regular drop ins. My dad drops in to my house to do little bits of diy. I love it - but he’s my dad. I wouldn’t feel so great about someone else’s dad doing it!

So... you aren’t being unreasonable. Film probably only wa ts to help. It will take a while to adjust to others being in your space. Get key back or put rules on its use

Stillme1 · 02/10/2018 13:21

There is a difference here. If we GIVE a key to Dparents or DPils or the Catsitter that is our choice. This partner's dad decided that he would give himself a spare key. He was not given permission to have a copy of the key made or to be in possession of a key. He was out of order to assume he should have a key or use his son's key to have a copy make. That would be far too pushy for my likings.

PurpleTrilby · 02/10/2018 14:51

I'd be incandescent with rage at this scenario! What does your future FIL think you are? A helpless little girl, a child in effect, who needs men around to fix her house when things need doing? Who doesn't need asking whether it's okay for HER house keys to be copied? Who doesn't need to be listened to when you say, it's okay, I've got it covered. You are a fully grown adult human, if that's not respected by anyone I'd question the relationship, no matter who with. Protect your space and your assets, sod the romance, that house is yours and should be treated as such by everyone. Sure, things may change in the future if and when you marry, but I'd be laying it down hard that DP does not ever go along with or help pull a stunt like this.

Only time something similar happened to me, my DP handed over my car key to a mate of ours because he fancied tinkering with the engine, without telling me. They were both off their heads at the time, if that mitigates it. I went ballistic and he was left in no doubt that any repeat of that kind of thing would see him out on his ear. I said if the car was driven anywhere (it was SORNed and sat in a private car park) I would report it to the police and tell them about DP and the mate. We are still together, he literally would not dare do anything like that again.

MulticolourMophead · 02/10/2018 15:08

That FIL was so forward in saying he'd have a key cut, without even asking his son, let alone OP, whose house it is, makes me think he'd feel ok with letting himself in whenever he felt like it.

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 02/10/2018 15:11

I'd get the keys back and change the locks. If he thinks it's okay to have a key cut without asking he probably isn't going to understand what the problem is. I wouldn't trust him to not have a spare he's not giving back. Maybe I'm paranoid but I really don't like the idea of anyone else having keys to my house.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 02/10/2018 15:20

It concerns me that you plan to get married without perhaps realising that once you're married your DH will have as much right to give his DPs a key to your house as you have the right to give one to yours.

That's what marriage does. What's mine is yours and all that. If you want to retain your house solely for you, perhaps not marry?

HattieBugatti · 02/10/2018 15:25

Even if you BOTH owned the house, one person should never give someone else a key unless the other person is OK with it.

We have a key to our daughter's house, and so does her boyfriend's parents, but we never ever go in without letting them know first. Eg, I wanted to pick up my umbrella that I'd forgotten one day, so I texted her at work and asked her if it was OK for me to go in to get it (on the way home from work,) with her and her boyfriend not there... She said 'yes of course...' And he is fine with it too. His parents do similar. Pop in, but they do let them know...

YANBU though OP.

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