re: separated parents and travel

[34steps]

Of course I think IANBU (and I think it's obvious whether I'm A or B), but interested in opinions here.

Parents A&B split when child a baby. Parent B moves 100 miles away, takes child. Parent A does all travel (driving) to maintain contact with child.

Progress 15 years. Parent A has other small children, several years of very disturbed sleep. A is concerned that tiredness makes so much driving unsafe (400+ miles per weekend). B doesn't want to do any of the travel to help with contact. Bus (direct) is suggested. B refuses to allow this.

WIBU? And how does any of this get changed/solved without DC starting to think that they are the cause of any problem. They are old enough now to know what's going on, even if they aren't directly told.

I was the parent who moved away. We split the travel and travel costs 50/50. Since dc was 12 or 13 he has travelled independently and been picked up / dropped off either end. A 15 year old should be perfectly able to travel by bus (excluding sen obviously).

Presumably you think the 15 year old mature enough to do the bus journey but I would have probalay hated it at that age on my own. Do you know what they think and could this be influencing parent b?

A 15-yr-old should be fine on a direct bus, surely?

I don’t understand why a 15 year old can’t travel alone

So parent A moved, yet parent B has absorbed all cost related to this and contact for 15 years? It is perfectly reasonable for a fifteen year old to get a bus or train, especially as it's a direct route.

A&B wrong way round but the non-profit moving parent has been out of pocket for fifteen years

Yes - it's as stated re: travel. If A isn't BU then The issue I guess ishow to move from current situation to a more sensible arrangement without conflict between A&B leading to child feeling bad. Child says to A they are fine with idea of independent ravel, but maybe they say differently to B. B won't budge on doing their 'share'.

But of the child can travel independently, what does B have to actually do?

B isn't going to agree to them travelling independently. B wants A to continue doing travel. Nobody would ask child to defy B

Dc needs to be allowed to grow up ffs and get the bloody bus!!

Parent B likes to have control over parent A. It's probably the only influence in As life and won't give up the idea of inconveniencing A's other life without a battle.
Personally I would pick a date and go from there 'in one month I will only be doing collecting, parent B can collect and return home at the end of the weekrnd' the child will swiftly be told to get a bus if it is impacting B! Parent A can then say if the bus is okay for going home it's okay for coming to their house.
We had the same issue for years

@LongHotSummer - it's a very good idea. But inevitably will result in rages that child will hear/be on blunt end of. Logic doesn't seem to work. Parent A wants to protect child from uneccessary stress. But maybe it's just inevitable and can't be avoided in this situation.

I did think there would be some 'Parent A shouldn't have had more kids if it was going to affect status quo' comments, in which case carrtying on doing the travel despite fatigue would be fairest thing (though not safest answer for anyone, really). But I guess I really ANBU, and this one does have to be sorted out some other way

its really hard to advise how you can move this along without B budging, strangers advising how you can address them to change their position is difficult without knowing all facts, and obviously you are not going to get all assertive as kid will end up in the middle, I assume as its 400+ per weekend it s both days back and forth with an overnight.

I am probably a bit sexist here but while I know a 15 year old is old enough to do a long bus trip not too sure if dc was a girl I'd want her traveling back late winter evenings (n to be honest I could still feel same way about a boy) when it gets dark on a bus on her own, no matter what she said, so can only suggest you discuss it further and try and address any concerns, maybe suggest trying it one way just once with taxi to from bus

You just have to put your foot down OP. Your daughter is plenty old enough to get the bus. Just tell your ex that that's what is happening.

Tbh I think at 15 they’re old enough to know why any fallouts might be happening, the characters of their parents and come to their own asssesment.

I guess it also depends on where you live as to how comfortable B is with the travel. I used to do it all the time at that age (bf lived 1.5hr train ride away) but also grew up in London so travelling over an hour on my own on public transport was regular anyway but if my family were rural they would be far more cautious.

Thanks, especially to @MiddleClassProblem and @BlackrockMum - both those comments are very good food for thought.

I'm the parent who moved away with DS1 when he was tiny - I needed a fresh start and a complete break from Ex. We split the travel and always have. 15 years old is old enough to understand that one parent won't contribute.

At 15 I'd think they're also old enough to travel to the other parent by themselves (if they're sensible/trustworthy).