No life, so annoyed with myself

[Fullofregrets33]

Aibu to think there is something wrong with me and ask you for advice on how to fix it?

About 8/9 years ago one day at work out of the blue I had a panic attack. Up to that day I was social, confident, happy. That day changed my life.
I have since suffered with anxiety on a daily basis and also health anxiety. It controls everything I do. I now don't work and don't socialise . I try do push on and can get things done such as shopping etc but the main thing I've done is to isolate myself socially. I have 1 friend left and I don't know how she puts up with me. I now hardly see her at all altho I message her daily. I'd be happier if I didn't see her again because it's one less anxiety but I don't want to lose that last friend and I do care about her.

My husband and children I love fiercely and I'm fine with them, and love going out with them, I feel relaxed and secure. but my parents and nan and my husbands family I could easily never see again. I just don't want to see people. Don't want to talk to people. If a family party comes up I dread it.

At school drop off I enjoy having a little polite chit chat but don't want to develop further than that. I've been asked out for drinks by a group of mums i speak to. I am absolutely delighted to have been asked but in my head I'm already making excuses to not go. I always feel on the outside of everything and I'm very paranoid. I also don't want to let people into my family bubble at home. I don't trust people.

I don't want to feel this way. I absolutely hate it. The more I shut off from the outside world the better I feel but I know this isn't the right thing to do.
Ive been to the doctors to ask to speak to someone and he just gave me a phone number to ring.
Any advice please?

Living with anxiety like this for 8/9 years must be awful, I am sorry.
Ring the phone number.
What have you got to lose?
You hate the way you are at the moment. This could be the start of changes that improve life for you.
Lots of luck..

I cant bring myself to ring. I thought the doctor would assign me a counsellor but having to sort it all myself is putting me off.
Also when all this first started I did actually go to see someone. I am overweight and that is all she focused on. I didn't go back. She made me worse

A lot of people find one counsellor works for them whilst another didn’t. Could your DH make the initial phone call for you and then maybe hand it over for you to confirm details where necessary?

Living with anxiety for any length of time is very draining as it takes all your energy.

Your GP probably gave you the number as they like to make it up to you to sort out as the first step to improving your life. Perhaps it would work if you set yourself a date and time that you will make that call, or grit your teeth and do it now! Another way would be to make the call when dh is standing next to you for support.

I am sorry that the first counsellor didn’t suit you. Sometimes you do need to try a few before you find one that fits your need. I had counselling after my lovely mum died and had 3 before I found te one that worked for me. She is excellent for me as very direct and can pick up on what I am not saying so I can’t get round her!

Do you have enough to do to keep you busy during the day? I find anxiety is worse when I don’t have anything stimulating to do. I now have a good routine during the week so I am busy every day and also try to get out for a walk every day to get some fresh air and sunlight.