Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Adults behaving badly

20 replies

carpettile · 01/10/2018 15:50

Arghghg struggling here with a very teenage style problem. Around 1.5 yrs ago one of my friendship group decided i was out and had after meeting a new friend who is very firmly 'in' and that was kind of it. I decided to not go out anymore as a group due to the new dynamics etc.

I still heard from 2 of the other girls who having been hanging out with them for 5yrs I considered good friends. However all of sudden after Christmas it became apparent that I wasn't hearing from them at all and they had gone quite on social media. I texted both in the February a very light hello, how are you and it was clear, even though they answered, that they weren't interested in a conversation and so I have not texted either since and heard nothing from those girls since. It has been so very horrible to be dropped by a whole gang but I reasoned that as they were the original friends of the person who ousted me that perhaps it was just too awkward for them.

Anyway yesterday I was sitting waiting on a friend when one of the girls walked in with her husband (the first time I have seen them face to face in a year) now given that there has been no fall out etc with either of these 2 girls I was ridiculously upset that she did the barest minimum of a hello while speedily walking past. Her husband did say hello, how are you and looked a little embarrassed. I just can't get my head round what has gone on to make her react like this. It makes me feel like perhaps something has been said over Xmas last year and that maybe I should find out what. My DH says there is no point asking and I should try and forget it. What would you guys do? I'm finding it all so unanswered and absolutely no closure. This girl is usually very nice and I have never seen her do this with anyone.....

OP posts:

TruelyTruelyScrumptious · 01/10/2018 15:52

Who are the girls? How old are they ? Teenagers?

I am confused. You are a married teenager whose friends are younger girls?

Original poster

carpettile · 01/10/2018 15:54

No sorry just all them girls we are all married woman in our 40's would you believe :-(

OP posts:

Original poster

carpettile · 01/10/2018 15:54

*call

OP posts:

Lydiaatthebarre · 01/10/2018 15:58

It sounds like somebody has been shitstirring and the others in the group don't have the courage to stand up to her.

To my shame, I allowed this to happen years ago in a friendship group. One woman was ousted because another didn't like her. One by one she ousted the rest of us and now just sees one member of the former group intermittently.

Original poster

carpettile · 01/10/2018 16:07

Were they adults too Lydia? Did you also cease contact with the ousted one then?

Can't see them ousting anyone else at the moment as the whole gang going away on holiday together soon. I can't think of anything specific that could have been said that would make this woman not even stop for a quick 'how are you'. It makes me feel there was some kind of discussion were it was agreed to stop all contact as they all went away for the weekend after last xmas. However I stil wouldn't of thought this woman would have blanked me face to face. I wonder whether to ak her or just leave it .... it hurt the no contact but this was just so awful as I thought we were friends.

OP posts:

Original poster

carpettile · 01/10/2018 16:57

the AIBU thread hot just now so wanted to bump this - hope that's ok really could do with some advice before I text something stupid :-)

OP posts:

practicallyperfectmummy · 01/10/2018 17:52

Ahh I hate when people act this crappy in life! How mean of them op, sorry they have made you feel insecure. Try to think of it as their problem not yours and move on and make better friends.
If you wanted to you could message and ask the two women separately have I done something to offend you? But the answer may upset you more, but I do think it's good in life to call people out on crapey behaviour it may make them think next time they act like this.

Ohyesiam · 01/10/2018 17:55

I don’t really understand your post

sunshinewithabitofdrizzle · 01/10/2018 18:26

I've had that done to me too, it hurts. I was friends with someone that was part of a big social group, and so I became friends with all of them. One day she decided she didn't want to be my friend anymore (we're all adults here, it felt like the schoolyard again), and with that all the rest of the friendship group followed suit and I have no contact with any of them other than a polite smile and maybe a hello if we see eachother in public. It's mean and nasty and pathetically childish.

Original poster

carpettile · 02/10/2018 07:58

thanks guys I haven't texted yet I can only thing it is either nothing and they are pathetic or its some big lie :-(

I am amazed other people have been through this.

Ohyesiam : basically was friends with a group of 3, new girl came along dynamics changed and one of the orginal woman wanted me out of the gang. So in the end it was so unpleasant i started to politely decined to go out. I still heard from 2 of the group via text and social media and then last year they just ceased contact and after I texted one last time I realised this & I never texted again. I put it down to out of sight out of mind, awkwardness or whaetever and it wss still horrible. Roll on another year and i meet one of woman not the new woman but one of the original friends - well i thought we were friends- and she just walked by with the briefest of hellos. That is the first time I have seen her since last October and we had no fall out so i dont understand it and was thinking should i text her and say what is the problem here. Hope thats clearer :-(

OP posts:

Lydiaatthebarre · 02/10/2018 11:12

Do you think the two you remained in contact with didn't realise that you had been ousted by one of the group and are blaming you for no longer taking part in events etc.

Maybe they think you're cutting them, rather than the other way around. I would text and ask one or both of them to meet you for coffee and find out what is going on.

Just say something friendly like "Hi we seem to be like ships passing in the night lately. Would really love to meet for a proper catch up."

Original poster

carpettile · 02/10/2018 11:31

Ah Lydiaatthebarre, no they don't think that. I texted a few times after Xmas the last time being February to both ladies. Very light and friendly just in case they thought I was taking the hump as they had been away with the ouster for the weekend. I suggested meeting for coffee befor ethe Xmas no contact but they were both too busy. One more periphery girl from the group has remained completely out of it and I still see her although she says she has no idea why things have turned out this way. I also asked her today if she thinks their behaviour is appalling and her reply was short 'it's consuming you'. Bit brutal. Its really hard to just brush something like this off it was my whole social group and that of my DC and DH.

OP posts:

Lydiaatthebarre · 02/10/2018 12:54

Okay. I was hoping it was maybe a misunderstanding.

I think in fairness, you're due some kind of explanation. I know some friendships drift and die, but it's usually unintended and just down to circumstance. This seems to be deliberate and unpleasant. Would you consider sending an email to one or both or them explaining that you're genuinely bewildered as to what has come between you and would just appreciate some kind of explanation.

They might ignore it, but they might not.

Original poster

carpettile · 02/10/2018 13:14

Thanks Lydia for your replies :-) Yes very, very unpleasant. I will have a think about it as I would like to know especially if something has been said for them to have this shift. Unfortunately it seems to be a real gang mentality the type of stuff you read about in teenage fiction not in real life. I was just really shocked as I assumed if we ever bumped into each other sure given the no contact it would be a little awkward but certainly no animosity. As for the ouster unfortunately saw her the very same day at DC club but I was the bigger person and just asked how she was etc pleasantly and moved on.

OP posts:

FaithHopeAndSkulduggery · 02/10/2018 13:33

You’ve been Wendied

Original poster

carpettile · 02/10/2018 16:44

Yes I pretty much was but that was then and this is now and I don't understand this animosity. OUt of the gang these 2 woma were always very nice, they never offended me or joined in with Wendy and the ouster. Swinging between texting and asking why she stopped contacting me and then swept past as if I was shit on her shoe and then thinking no if I do that will she go back to the gang and have a good old laugh at me being pathetic.

OP posts:

DisappearingGirl · 02/10/2018 16:57

Oh OP I hate this sort of thing, it can really affect you badly. No experience of it since leaving school (thankfully) - however I've read similar time and again on here. Based on that you're definitely not alone! These threads really get to me - and suggest that some people haven't moved beyond school mentality. How awful if your DCs' friendships are affected too.

Thinking back to similar threads, the consensus is usually split between "ask what the problem is" and "leave it".

There's also always a few responses along the lines of "people don't have to be friends with you unless they want to" which I always think is really mean, as that's different to suddenly cutting off a good friend (none of these responses yet thankfully but just forewarning you!).

Another thing I always notice about these threads is that the OPs usually sound really nice and thoughtful (as much as you can tell on the internet). I think some adults continue to target nice, unassuming people to bully, and other adults go along with it.

My advice would be, I think ... you could go either way really in terms of asking what the problem is or leaving it. However, whichever you choose, I would make a conscious effort to mentally disengage a bit, remind yourself that it is likely them not you, and concentrate on making new, nicer friends in the future. I think YANBU at all to be upset, and being (privately) angry for a while is probably healthy ... but try not to let it eat you up long term. Good luck x

Original poster

carpettile · 02/10/2018 17:38

Thanks Disappearing girl that was a well thought out answer and much appreciated.

Maybe what I need to hear is when other people have done this to a person within a group what were their reasons, did the ouster make up a big lie which they believed and didn't check or were they too worried of their own friendships or did they not like the person either and were happy to see the back of them? I think that is what is bothering me the most is the fact that my judgement is so off that I never realised these 2 woman never actually liked me. I am kinda hoping it is one of the other reasons. Anyway rejection is crap and after a year and a half it should not be bothering me quite so much. I do have other really nice friends and my family so am not on my own :-)

OP posts:

DisappearingGirl · 02/10/2018 17:51

Yeah that would bother me to. I don't have the answer. All I can say is you sound nice and presumably your other friends like you!

You know what though - I always think in these threads - even if the "friends" have decided they are not so keen on the OP for whatever reason, if you were good enough to be their friend for X number of years then it's pretty mean to suddenly drop you & blank you. No-one's saying they have to be your best ever buddy - but I think this kind of behaviour is mean, personally

Original poster

carpettile · 02/10/2018 18:38

I agree I would never treat anyone even someone I didn't like terribly much in a rude or off hand manner. As you say you don't need to be best buddies and have an hour long conversation. People can be so casually cruel!

OP posts:

Flip