to think DS doesnt have to be her friend?

[upsideup]

Since the beginning of the year one of DS's friends (A) who has SN started being quite aggressive towards him and trying to stop him playing with anyone else. 2 weeks ago DS got hurt when A pinned him down and didn't let go until adults pulled her off. We were called in and the school planned to start separating them a bit to make sure nobody get hurt and they could be friends but DS said that he doesn't want to play with or be friends with A anymore.

We told DS last week that as long as he wasn't mean to A that was fine, that he didn't have to play with her but if she was already playing with someone he wanted to play with then he would have to either join in or find something else to do. He tried doing this which just turned into A chasing him round and him saying leave me alone and running away, he then tried playing with his younger siblings who both started school this year which left A to play with the rest of their class but she followed and kept trying to drag DS away, DS2 shouted leave him alone and tried to pull DS the other way which made A scream and grab him.

Teachers got involved again and I hoped their approach would be try and separate them a bit more and to tell A that DS didn't want to play today but they were both forced into group games with other children at lunch and DS was told to let his siblings play with their own friends because they might get hurt if he lets them play with big kids.

Its been suggested that on Wednesday lunch for the next few weeks DS and A go inside to eat and do some activities together and that there is will be some group activities so they can play together. DS is really upset by this, thinks he's getting in trouble as he has to miss lunchtimes and doesn't understand why he has to be friends with A and not play with his other friends and siblings.

WIBU since it was only suggested to say that I don't want him to do this thing on Wednesdays and that I think he should be allowed to play with his siblings or other friends without A some days as well as joining in with group activities on others?

I don't think YABU.
I don't think your DS should miss out on his lunchtime, just because A has SN. Are any other children being asked to do this too?

I'd tell the school that doesn't work for you and DS and you want him to be allowed to choose who he plays with for himself.

YANBU. I would ask for a meeting with the head, this is not acceptable. They cannot force your DC to be in a friendship with another child who has already attacked him.
I would site their safeguarding policy as one reason, and the fact that your son doesn't want to be her friend as another. You have told him not to be mean to her which is absolutely the right thing to do, he should not be punished in this way as he has done nothing wrong.

I would be asking for a meeting with the head and say it's not acceptable. I don't agree with this push for "let's everybody be friends."
Children shouldn't be forced to play with kids who hurt them, SN or not.

Of course your DS shouldn't be forced to be friends with someone he doesn't want to, and I would be reiterating that to the school.

Nope, YANBU. How can we teach children about boundaries and body autonomy in one breath then in the next force them to play with someone who hurts them? Definitely speak to the school and ask for them to be seperated rather than pushed together

"I would be asking for a meeting with the head and say it's not acceptable. I don't agree with this push for "let's everybody be friends." "

Its worse than that though, its her DS being nominated as the chosen sacrificial lamb in order to keep A quiet. He's not her carer.

The group activities sounds like quite a good idea, and should give both DS and A a chance to make other friends in the class.

But absolutely no to the Wednesday thing with just the two of them. You can't force a child to be friends with someone else and it's not fair for him to miss his lunchtime play.

Absolutely not!! If everyone in the class was taking it in turns individually to be made to play with A then that would be one thing but singling your ds out especially when she has been physically aggressive with him is just plain wrong. Def make an appointment with the head.

This is absurd. It seems to me the school in enlisting a child, against their will, to be another child's minder. I would tell the school in no uncertain terms that this is not happening, your son is never to be forced to interact with this girl, and if this girl is harassing your child, you expect that they will intervene immediately.

No fucking way would I be tolerating this! Your poor ds, no way, get in that school and tell them that under no circumstances is your ds to be kept in, group activities are fine but if you get wind of them putting them together one on one you will create holy hell. This shit really pissese off, kids ate expected to suck up and put up with behaviour that afults wouldn't dream of all under the guise of "being nice". No you handled it well and had explained it well to him in the first place

The school are just trying t make it better for themselves
Your poor son
How does the other child react if told 'no' by adults at the school ?

Thankyou, I will definately make sure he doesnt do the wednesday thing and that I get to talk to someone about keeping them apart more.
Its only DS who has been asked to do the wednesday thing with A, I guess the school are hoping they can fix their friendship.

The Wednesday thing sounds totally unreasonable given your DS doesn’t want to play with her anymore.

I think the school may have a bit of a point about him not going off to play with his younger siblings, though. Not sure about the safety aspect (how old is DS?) but for his siblings sake - just as your DS shouldn’t be used to entertain A, it’s not really fair on your younger DC to have their big brother take up their time most playtimes (though I understand why he did and I think it was a clever thing for him to think of to try and protect himself without being mean to A). They need that time to build their friendships and practice their social skills with other children. This means the school need to protect your DS from being ostracised from his class at break times by A. Supervised group games for all may be the order of the day for a while until the social dynamics in the class settle down..

Just because a child has SN doesn't mean that said child should be exempt from discipline.

Your DS shouldn't have to play with someone who bullies him.

I think he should be allowed to play with his siblings or other friends without A some days
I think he should be allowed to play with other friends every day and shouldn’t be forced to play with A at all. She’s attacked him repeatedly and is being inappropriately possessive. He’s already said he doesn’t want to play with her any more. His wishes should be respected. If A is upset that’s a problem for her/parents/school, not your DS’s problem. I’d expect the school to avoid putting him in 1:1 situations with A and pull her off him if she starts bothering him again. I would definitely put my foot down and say No to Wednesdays. Sorry but she needs to make new friends, your DS is not responsible for her.

You can’t force a friendship. Tell the school calmly you need a solution that works for both children. A needs access to friendships with other classmates who and DS needs to be free to play without her chasing him.

As well as being massively unfair to your son, I’m baffled that they think this is a good idea for A. Forcing your son to play with her one lunchtime a week is not going to make him want to play with her on other days (and will likely do the opposite)! Depending on what SN A has, this could be really confusing for her. I agree with the people who’ve said it sounds like they just want a way to keep A quiet and not actually deal with the problem properly.