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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Fed up with making all the effort with this 'friend' and feel a bit silly. Anyone else felt like this or am I the only sucker?

23 replies

Bigblueballoon · 01/10/2018 15:11

It has just dawned on me that I have been making a fool of myself for a long time with someone I thought was my friend. I'm pretty sure we were friends a few years back and I suppose I didn't really notice when she stopped making any effort at all with me. It is always me who invites her over, helps out with her dc etc.initiates get togethers and play dates, but I honestly cannot remember the last time she actually phoned or text me - just responded to mine and then makes me feel like i'm being a pain if I ask her if she wants to meet up - says things like she's a bit busy now, hasn't had chance to think she'll let me know if she's free. She invariably comes over if I've asks her but normally turns up late. I feel irrationally hurt and upset today after she has made me feel shitty and needy AGAIN after I asked if she wants to do something, and all this has dawned on me so I have decided to not contact her again. Feel like a fool.

OP posts:

redexpat · 01/10/2018 15:34

I think youre being a bit hard on yourself. You carried on out of habit. Theres nothing wrong with that.

ApproachingATunnel · 01/10/2018 15:42

I know the feeling, i made a decision to stop contacting someone because this other person cannot be bothered to do the same. I don’t know why, there is no backstory but i’ve had enough of being a sucker.

NancyDonahue · 01/10/2018 15:48

You're not a fool. You sound lovely. She's the fool for treating you like rubbish. Move on and concentrate on the good people on your life

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 01/10/2018 15:48

It’s probably because the friendship was evenly balanced at one point but for some reason she’s changed the playing field and your brain has only just caught up with this; and BOY does it feel shit.

You’re not a desperate saddo, lame or tragic. Situations like these take us right back to being 10 year old girls in the playground, desperate for affirmation and cut to ribbons when rejected. It’s justified you feel this way and you deserve to grieve the friendship you thought you had but move on.

Don’t call/text/make contact. But also don’t do anything final like delete off FB just in case your (ex) friend really has a legit reason for cooling off. Focus your energy elsewhere and as lame as it sounds, make new connections.

Don’t squander your self esteem on someone who doesn’t want to know x

Whosthebestbabainalltheworld · 01/10/2018 15:48

I’ve been in exactly your situation and my own behaviour made even me cringe. I knew deep down that the friendship was dying but kept texting to meet up, have coffee etc. My friend kept making me feel like shit when we met in really subtle ways, but I just couldn’t let it go.

Eventually I just stopped contacting my “friend” and the friendship pretty much died.

That was about 3 years ago and I’ve broadened my friendship group much more since then. Now I think it’s their loss

Lynne1Cat · 01/10/2018 15:51

You certainly aren't a fool. You are a nice person who has got this "friend" who isn't worth your time. Cut ties with her. Delete and block her on every line of communication - I did this months ago to a woman I thought was a mate. She was a user and a freeloader, I know now.

Make new friends, don't bother about this person any more x

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 01/10/2018 15:54

Yeah been there and done that too and when I finally did click it really was all over, the uncontrolled anger....cor, it was raw. Now it’s just sadness.

Orangecake123 · 01/10/2018 15:55

To be honest I went through the same thing with my ex best friend. She cancelled on me three times in a row and went into putting effort for someone else but I just felt taken for granted. I just realized that I couldn't do it anymore. It's been 17 months since then and miss her on and off.But you'll move on.

Hadalifeonce · 01/10/2018 16:02

Sometimes friendships just reach their natural conclusion, occasionally 1 party realises before the other. I have been in this situation, just decided to test the water to check out how long before my 'friend' contacted me; that was about 20 years ago, she hasn't been in touch in all that time.

AnneWiddecombesHandbag · 01/10/2018 16:06

This was me 2 years ago. I ceased chasing so called friend and we haven't spoken since. I'm infinitely happier without her as friend.

Snowymountainsalways · 01/10/2018 16:12

At least you know now and can redirect your energy into a friendship that is on a more equal footing, and someone that appreciates you.

theredjellybean · 01/10/2018 16:14

Me too... Haven't heard from best friend for 19 months now

Original poster

Bigblueballoon · 01/10/2018 17:56

Ah thanks for all the kind words - I'm actually crying now. Don't know what's wrong with me. The slightly awkward part is that her dc is friends with mine and we share lifts to a couple of clubs. I would now rather not share and just take and bring back my dc as it is always me who organises this, but I don't know quite how to approach this.

OP posts:

NancyDonahue · 01/10/2018 18:14

It makes it a bit more difficult if your child is friends with hers. I would definitely cool the friendship between you adults and only contact her in relation to your dc's. Are they at school together?

As for lift sharing, if you really don't want to carry on just send a message with the mumsnet tried and tested 'It doesn't work for me anymore'

Magair · 01/10/2018 18:23

You can cool it down without cutting off completely. I wouldn’t contact her to meet up but you could continue with the lifts if it suits you. I lift share with people I barely know! Your friendship may rekindle in a year or two x

Magair · 01/10/2018 18:25

Just read properly.... if you are always organising the lift share then just don’t message her next week and see if she approaches you.

AimlesslyPurposeful · 01/10/2018 18:26

When you say it’s you that organises the club lifts is it something you do before each lift or at the start of term?

If it’s before each lift then don’t make the arrangement.

If it was sorted at the start of term just message her saying you’re sorry but can no longer do the lifts. She’s clearly “not that into you” so I wouldn’t bother with an explanation.

CoughLaughFart · 01/10/2018 18:43

I had a friend like this. He still lives in my home town and I used to make the effort to meet up every time I went back. However, it became a pattern that he would cancel at short notice because of supposed illness or lack of sleep (read ‘hungover’ for both). Yet if I was busy when he tried to rearrange he’d push me to cancel my plans and get stroppy if I wouldn’t. In the end I stopped bothering to ask - and of course he turned that into me dropping him, despite his total lack of effort.

If you stop making the effort, this will in all likelihood die a death, as she sounds too selfish to bother. To quote Eliot, it ‘ends not with a bang, but a whimper’.

JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 01/10/2018 18:57

I know the feeling - that accounts for most of my University friends and some others I used to know better before I went back to work full time.
I've stopped contacting them and it's been a revelation as to how many contact me.

Whosthebestbabainalltheworld · 01/10/2018 19:31

In my case the friend’s DS was also in my DS’s class and they were friends - so I get the awkward bit. I just wouldn’t text to arrange any further lifts and see what happens next.

HeebieJeebies456 · 01/10/2018 20:44

I would now rather not share and just take and bring back my dc as it is always me who organises this, but I don't know quite how to approach this

Just send a simple text message along the lines of "Hi X. Just to give you a heads up, I won't be able to do the liftshares anymore re activity from X date"

If she asks why just tell her you got stuff on/doesn't work for you.
If she suddenly starts giving you attention, don't get sucked in.

hazell42 · 01/10/2018 20:52

You might find that if you stop.making all the running she will. I had a friend who was forever cancelling on me for the slightest reason. Her top excuse was when she said she couldn't meet, after already being an hour and a half late, because she felt like she might be getting a headache. MIGHT.
I decided not to bother asking any more
It took a while, but now she contacts me. People can be lazy but that doesn't mean they dont care. Not always at least. Step back a bit and see what happens.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 01/10/2018 21:06

I hate to be the gloomy bastard wanker who always pops up on these threads, but is she in a relationship? I know I was a terrible friend to people about whom I did care deeply when my ex became hugely controlling in the last few years of our relationship. I cancelled so many meet ups with really close friends (usually at the last minute) and was too embarrassed to then suggest rearranging (and I knew I'd probably not be allowed to go in any case).

I lost a huge amount of friends and I'm only slowly building up our friendships again now, because I know how hurt they were by it.

Or of course, she could just be an arse, and whilst that stings like a bitch, it's not you, or anything you've done, just her. for you, because whatever's going on in her life, it shouldn't be upsetting you.

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