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AIBU?

My problems are all my fault but I feel completely overwhelmed and have no one to help me

16 replies

Iwanttorunawayfromlife · 01/10/2018 14:04

I need your thoughts on how to get myself motivated to sort my life and where, if anywhere, I can turn for help.

I am single with DC in primary school. In the past I have had a successful career but that all seems to count for nothing at the moment and I am struggling to find long term work that gives me a decent income. I have gone from successful to unemployable. I have just enough in savings to mean I am entitled to no benefits but I have almost no income and am still paying the mortgage and bills. I have been living off savings for months. My house is in a state of disrepair. Same with my car. I have ongoing issues with father of DC, who was abusive during our relationship, regarding contact with DC. I've had a series of setbacks where things seemed to be looking up but then it's all come to nothing.

I don't know how to get myself out of this situation now. Almost no one knows the full extent of it. Those that do don't seem to be able to offer much support. I don't know where to turn.

DC pretty much oblivious and happy, at least.

My mental health is beginning to suffer and I can't seem to take any steps to improve my financial situation or surroundings. What I want is someone to come along and hold my hand and guide me. It's a very childish mindset but sometimes it's so lonely dealing with it all quietly by myself.

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Apileofballyhoo · 01/10/2018 14:08

I can't understand you saying your problems are your fault. They aren't.

Do you have any contacts in any of your old work? You said the people that know aren't able to help, but what about the people that don't know?

You sound a bit like you're still covering up for your abusive ex. You don't need to. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Flowers

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Apileofballyhoo · 01/10/2018 14:09

If you post in relationships you'll get good advice on how to move on with your life. You sound overwhelmed at the moment.

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HashTagLil · 01/10/2018 14:09

If your MH is beginning to suffer then I would make your GP your first port of call.

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gendercritter · 01/10/2018 14:13

That sounds overwhelming.

What did you do before and what jobs are you applying for now? Is your cv in a good state? Could you use some of your savings to retrain? Would a Masters in anything be something you enjoy?

Your ex-h - can you say more about what your issues are? Could you get a sim-card/phone just for contacting him and leave it off most of the time so he doesn't have so much power over you?

I'm sure if you give more detail people will be able to give you a bit of help and support

And Flowers for you for juggling everything. You'll get there. You just obviously need a bit of support

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Iwanttorunawayfromlife · 01/10/2018 14:21

My problems are my fault. I turned down a job a while ago. I had good reasons to. Since then I have been led up the garden path a few times when I should have known better. My problems have grown because I haven't dealt with them and it feels like there's no coming back from it all now.

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gendercritter · 01/10/2018 15:01

There is always always a way of turning things around unless, I don't know you are in prison for life or you have a very serious illness.

You really sound like you need to see your gp.

My life has been an absolute mess at times and in a place where I thought I'd lost everything but I was wrong. Don't give up.

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MissusGeneHunt · 01/10/2018 15:07

You have just turned a really good corner by asking for help and being open to that help, good on you! I would say definitely take a visit to your GP to start with, as there should be some support to help you be even stronger.

I'm a list writer, a pro's and con's writer, a scribbler of ideas. Get all the possible things you could do, or would enjoy, or want to learn down on paper. Seeing your options in front of you can be helpful. It doesn't matter how pie in the sky they are, just have them there to inspire you. Then you can hopefully see what could lie ahead.

This isn't your fault.

You can do this, OP. Wish you all the best Flowers

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SomethingPhishy · 01/10/2018 15:13

With regards benefits, are you claiming Child Tax credit? The amount oftax creditsyou get is usually based on your annual taxable income and your family size. Unlike most other means-tested benefits there is no limit on how much capital orsavingsyou can have & you don't need to be working. Also can you claim Council Tax support? I send you my best wishes.

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Iwanttorunawayfromlife · 01/10/2018 15:19

I'm in a UC area so no TC and the rules are different. At any rate, in the tax year 2017/18 I was working for most of the year and earned enough then to not really qualify for anything as that's what they would look at to calculate my current income. I'm not entitled to anything until I've spent more of my savings. I'm not that far off the threshold now I've spent so much keeping the roof above our heads.

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Apileofballyhoo · 01/10/2018 18:21

Things are most definitely not all your fault. Have you got a current CV?

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trojanpony · 01/10/2018 18:44

This isn’t your fault and try not to panic. Flowers

Check out turntous they will help identify any benefits you may be entitled to.

In the short term I would take any kind of job to stop the savings dwindling. (I’m thinking barwork or waitressing ) while you continue your search.

If you have a spare room or can create one - do it and take in a female lodger (its tax free and regular money) even if it’s only for a few months you don’t have to say it’s likely to be short term (a months notice is totally standard) and you never know you may like it and they may stay longer
I made a good friend doing it - it was meant to be 3 months and he stayed for 3 years!?

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IdahoJones · 01/10/2018 18:52

I've been in your shoes and I'm not going to lie to you, it was bloody hard. Flowers

I agree with pp about getting control back over how and when your Ex can contact you.

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bridgetreilly · 01/10/2018 19:33

See if you can find a local CAP centre, OP. They will be kind and helpful and do whatever they can to get you back on your feet. You don't have to be a Christian and they won't try to convert you.

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Iwanttorunawayfromlife · 01/10/2018 20:19

Thank you everyone for your kind messages.

I am going to try and take some positive steps.

I really don't think I can get any financial help. I have looked before but I will check again.

I'm willing to do any work as long as I can make childcare arrangements, which can be limiting. I am capable of getting and holding down a very good job but things just don't seem to be going my way at the moment.

My contact with ex is already limited. We have a court order. Despite that he does his best to make any arrangements over contact with DC as complicated and stressful as possible.

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IdahoJones · 01/10/2018 21:08

I had so many different types of childcare going one year, I was frazzled. People have no idea if they haven't been in your shoes.

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missymayhemsmum · 01/10/2018 21:09

Some ways I have found to deal with overwhelm and feeling like it's all too much.
Make lists. eg research childcare options, sort out your linked in profile, contact previous employers to see if they have vacancies, apply for any school hours work you see, register with temp agencies. Tick things off the list each day.
Reframe the situation in how you talk to yourself. You are a highly qualified and employable woman, who is lucky enough to have savings to cover you and your kids while you all recover from a bad relationship, thus enabling you to take a career break. You are brilliant, your kids are brilliant. You have done the right and courageous thing ending the relationship.

Make a list of the disrepair issues and decide what is a health hazard and what's just annoying, and which will have to wait until you have a job. Make a plan.

Set boundaries for your ex and stick to them, if necessary with help from Womens Aid

Why do you not tell your real life family and friends about your situation and ask for some help?

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