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AIBU?

AIBU to think he should have stayed home?

15 replies

BootsMagoots · 01/10/2018 11:21

I'm very hormonal/heartbroken/upset at the moment. A mixture of every emotion possible but I'm also an understanding and reasonable person, so all opinions welcome.

I suffered the most horrendous miscarriage on Thursday in hospital; it was like a horror movie. It led to a 12 hour ordeal and lots of medical attention. My OH was with me the whole time and held my hand. I love him a lot; he is a good man.

But on Friday morning (despite us not getting home from hospital til 3am) he just went to work as if nothing had happened. Same again this morning. I thought he would take some time off, not only to be with me but for himself. He too has lost what I have lost.

I am physically still in pain and bleeding a lot and would really appreciate him being here.

AIBU to think he should have taken a bit of time off?

It's potential he is throwing himself into work as a coping mechanism. But I just wish he was here.

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Cheeeeislifenow · 01/10/2018 11:24

Sorry for your lost op. Maybe emotionally he can't handle it. Not God for you of course but it may be a reason. Have you anyone you can call to come to you today? Very sorry op, it must be a difficult time for you both xxx

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krustykittens · 01/10/2018 11:25

Perhaps he is at a loss as to how to deal with things? It must have been so frightening for him, watching you go through all that. Perhaps he is trying to hold it all at bay by thinking about work? You are both grieving, talk to each other and be gentle. I am so sorry for your loss. Flowers

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Oobis · 01/10/2018 11:26

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your OH has lost as well and sometimes keeping things normal (as in going to work) is what helps hold them together. Maybe he's not ready to talk. If you want him with you, please do tell him. I hope you're not on your own if you don't want to be - is there someone who can be with you?

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anotherangel2 · 01/10/2018 11:27

Did you ask him to stay at home with you?

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Mnet · 01/10/2018 11:29

I'm very sorry to hear this x

My husband did the exact same. He just didn't get it, I don't think he thought of the loss as losing a child.

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Defrack · 01/10/2018 11:31

We all do different things when taken by grief.

Tbh, In his mind what's the point in sitting at home letting the grief overtake him? He is trying to work through it in his own way so don't judge him for it.

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AuntBeastie · 01/10/2018 11:35

I’m so sorry, OP - how awful for you.

I agree your DH should have stayed with you. Did you ask him if he would? He shouldn’t need asked, but he maybe just hasn’t realised what it is you need.

I hope you’re ok Flowers

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BootsMagoots · 01/10/2018 11:36

I have nobody else really, apart from him. I'm not judging him at all - he witnessed what I went through and I can't imagine how he must feel. He has an important job and he's said to me he's "not ignoring me he's just drowning in work"

I'm just feeling low and I know he is too. I guess I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself right now.

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Defrack · 01/10/2018 12:19

It's understandable you're sad and I'm sorry for your loss.

Grief is strange and people don't always think straight and do what they should.

Your husband is feeling a loss too and he may grieve in a different way. However maybe ask for him to just talk or for a cuddle tonight?

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LostInShoebiz · 01/10/2018 12:29

Would he even be able to take a day off without it being prearranged? Maybe he has to work.

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overagain · 01/10/2018 12:39

Sorry for your loss.

Maybe he doesn't feel the same as you? Unless you have explained to him that you need him at home for emotional he may not feel he needs to be there and for him, being off work would be worse.

I'm like your husband. I had a miscarriage and was back in work the following day. Being home made me dwell on it and I knew I had work piling up in my absence that would make the return all the worse. I'm not saying you are handling it 'wrong' we all deal with things differently, it may be your husband just doesn't understand your way, as you do not understand his.

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BootsMagoots · 01/10/2018 12:40

Yes, @lostinshoebiz, I'm sure he would be able to as he has in the past. I'm sure this would also come into the mitigating circumstances bracket. But I understand he is busy and if he takes time off he just has extra to do when he's back in. I guess I'm just feeling incredibly lonely and sad today.

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justmatureenough2bdad · 01/10/2018 12:45

look up the grief curve.. his reaction sounds like a classic symptom of shock... the very first stage... he is still processing and while he does that, he his head down getting on with things..

he will grieve in a different way to you and lacks the tragic visceral experience you have had to contextualize it..

sorry for your loss

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BootsMagoots · 01/10/2018 12:46

@overagain, I too have dealt with my some of my previous miscarriages in this way. Gone into work like nothing has happened. Infact, I've miscarried twice in work and just thrown myself into work and acted like it wasn't happening (which I wholeheartedly do not advise). But this is our third this year. And the circumstances of this one were so different to the previous. They all end in a heartbreaking loss of course, but this was another level. This was me quite literally exploding in hospital and everything coming out. It was horrific. I thought he'd need time to get over it all too. Maybe he will, maybe it'll hit him at a later date. I just love him and wish he was here when we both need eachother more than ever.

He'll be home in no time I'm sure. But the loneliness is unbearable today.

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BootsMagoots · 01/10/2018 12:48

Thanks for the responses everybody. I just want to hug him really. He's holding everything in. I love him dearly and I think he is in shock.

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