AIBU?
Stay or go?
Toooldforthisshit49 · 01/10/2018 10:46
Supposed to be going on holiday on Wednesday, DD's BF threw her out on Saturday due to her apparently taking drugs & having all sorts of people coming & going to the house, we haven't seen her as she has decided we won't believe her. Background - DD was a drug addict previously at age 17-21, managed to get herself clean, she's now 26. She has been living with her BF for 3years, he works away. Over the past few months she has distanced herself from us with the excuse she's working but apparently she's been hanging around with undesirable people, having them in the house. We can only go on what we've been told but am afraid that going by her past I do feel it's probably true. This probably sounds really harsh but my DH & I don't want her back living with us. She has been communicating through text but won't answer her phone to talk & keeps sending emotional texts is you've made up your mind, not going to believe me, won't say where she is, then saying this is the last contact you'll have. I feel I'm living on my nerves, can't sleep for more than a couple of hours & as soon as I wake I'm worrying about her. Sorry for such a long post.
longwayoff · 01/10/2018 10:51
Lock up tight and go. Shes too old to be rescued by parents. Again.
KathDayKnight50 · 01/10/2018 11:04
Take her to lunch. Meet on neutral ground and say you aren't going to judge her, you just want her side of the story. That, as her mum, you will always love and worry about her. Make her feel safe to share with you.
Ask her to be honest as you want to her to be healthy and happy with good relationships. She can never have all that as a drug user.
Say you'll support her in finding somewhere else to live and some kind of drug rehab. This could be the turning point for her.
It often takes a few goes to give up an addiction. Don't write her off just yet, but this does not mean you have to have her living with you and abusing you either. It's a difficult tightrope you walk.
I am sorry you are going through this. We have addiction in our family and you never stop worrying.
KathDayKnight50 · 01/10/2018 11:07
There's a reason she does what she does - undiagnosed mental health issues, a feeling of inadequacy and low self-esteem and wanting to belong and "fit in" with a group however unhealthy this may be. There is something at the heart of this. Help her to find it.
At the same time, you need to take care of yourself too. You can't become codependent and keep giving endlessly.
Here is a website which may help you get the balance right:-
drugabuse.com/library/parents-of-addicted-children/
KathDayKnight50 · 01/10/2018 11:08
Is there any way you could postpone your trip without losing too much money in order to see your daughter settled before you go?
You don't have to of course, that's up to you, but from what you have said it is unlikely you will enjoy the trip until you know your daughter is safe.
What a dilemma.
Toooldforthisshit49 · 01/10/2018 11:26
I just can't believe that after 5 years this is happening again, she was so pleased with herself that she'd got herself clean and we all told her how proud we were of her. I find it really difficult to understand why she would want to press the self destruct button when she had it all, BF gave her everything, had just put an offer in on a new house looking to settle down possibly start a family. I will try to get her to meet me and see how things go. Thanks for the replies.
KathDayKnight50 · 01/10/2018 11:56
Yes, I agree it is frustrating when someone throws away their recovery, but who knows what lies beneath their behaviour? I hope you will find out. Maybe the relationship was not as happy as it seemed and your daughter felt under pressure. Unfortunately, when someone is under enough pressure they can be tempted to go back to bad old habits to feel better in the short-term.
I do hope things improve for your family. It's really tough, this stuff.
KathDayKnight50 · 01/10/2018 11:58
Here is an article about relapse and its triggers.
www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/where-science-meets-the-steps/201210/why-relapse-isnt-sign-failure
Was your daughter in a professional recovery programme? She needs to learn about her triggers to protect herself against relapse.
GinIsIn · 01/10/2018 13:16
Maybe the being given everything was all too much?
Don’t let her move back in but do be clear you will support her in recovery.
Aquamarine1029 · 01/10/2018 13:21
This is so awful and I can't imagine how upset you are. However, the worst thing you could do would be to allow her to move back home. It will only enable her. I hope she gets help.
Toooldforthisshit49 · 02/10/2018 21:00
Ok, update - it gets worse, apparently money missing from her work,she has also locked her boss out of the work computer so no idea what's going to come out of that. She is in denial that she has done anything wrong and that it's her BF that's lying, manipulating the truth, the poor guy looks like his world has collapsed. She texted tonight asking to borrow money til she gets paid on Friday - I don't think there's any chance of her receiving any wages after what she's done, said she hasn't eaten so I offered to meet her & buy her food - no answer to that as I don't think she expected that. We have decided to go ahead with our week away as we are both desperate to get away.
Wolfiefan · 02/10/2018 21:04
I’m so sorry OP. Horrid thought but she doesn’t have a key to your property does she? Just if you’re going away and she’s using drugs and short on cash...
Toooldforthisshit49 · 02/10/2018 22:32
@Wolfiefan no she doesn't have a key thank goodness
Wolfiefan · 02/10/2018 22:48
It’s a horrid situation and I’m sorry to make the suggestion. Sounds like you really need the break. I hope you manage to enjoy it.
KathDayKnight50 · 03/10/2018 11:08
Wow, OP, what an update 
Sounds like you need this holiday. I hope it helps you both relax. With the best will in the world, there is only so much you can do if someone refuses to face up to things.
Enjoy yourself as much as you can - you deserve it!
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