to think I should be able to see my son on his birthday?

[DaffoDeffo]

my son only goes to his father 2 weekends a month. He could go more but chooses not to.

It's his birthday on one of the weekends his father has him.

We have always, no matter which parent the child is with, done a meal on the child's birthday (normally me, exh, child plus siblings).

exh just got hold of me and asked about the meal. We were discussing where it was going to be. And he has asked for it to be on another day because his new partner 'has arranged something for ds' on ds's actual birthday. He can't tell me what this 'something' is and I am not invited, whatever it is.

I cannot decide if I am being unreasonable or not. On one hand, there has never been a birthday I have missed for any of my dcs. On the other hand, I am pissed off that this isn't even an exh driven endeavour - he can't even tell me what it is, what it involves but it's clear it's the whole day. He was kind of sheepish when he asked for the meal to be on another day.

I can, of course, make plans for the meal to be another day. And I have arranged a treat for ds (something I know he loves doing) on another day because I couldn't get a booking on his birthday and I have invited exh to this - I didn't have to as it's on my weekend but because it's FOR ds, I invited him.

So AIBU to be pissed off about this? Or should i just get over myself, do the meal on another day and not see my son on his birthday?

I would hate to miss one of my dc's birthdays but it sounds like your Ds will benefit as there are even more celebrations for him.

I would be impressed that your ex's partner wanted to make an effort.

What age is Ds?

The problem is when you have a very informal agreement it leaves the door wide open for things like that to happen. Can you not see your DS at some other point in the day for an hour or two? I would suggest this and also formalise a rule for future birthdays.

How old is your DS?

Gets harder to pin them down as they get older

How old is DS? Can you ask him what he would like to do? Maybe he would like to do whatever activity Exh's girlfriend has arranged on his birthday and have a meal with you both another time or maybe he would rather the activity is changed to a different day.

I would say be led by DS (unless he is too young to have a preference).

YAnbu. The new woman had no right to arrange something for your ds’ birthday without checking with your ex and you.

But, Given that you’ve already organised a joint thing on another day, maybe she thought it would be ok.

I’d ask your ds what he wants to do, it’s his birthday. Spend with you or spend with ex & nw.

Or should i just get over myself, do the meal on another day and not see my son on his birthday?

Yes,...do that.

I would be impressed that your ex's partner wanted to make an effort.

Well, not really if it excludes the mum unnecessarily?

A bit like saying, "I'm impressed my husband's mistress really went to the effort with the lingerie and scented candles."

I think it's nice that you've had an amiable and successful informal arrangement so far. I would say to your ex that you've enjoyed this, but unfortunately are a bit put out by the mystery. Tell him you're pleased by the efforts of his new partner, but that you'd like her to take the tradition into account and invite you.

My preferred tactic is to 'reasonable' people to death. Works quite well.

Tbh I think I’d feel a bit left out given how all the other arrangements have gone.

But there’s also the case that DS won’t spend every birthday with you when he’s a grown up and how much does the day itself matter in the long run.

I don’t think YABU however you felt about this.

I had various birthdays without my dad around (work related) and then from teen without my mum too (also work related) and late teens I was normally with friends and I can’t recall who was where when so made no huge difference