Grandchildren being treated differently
Gingermammy · 01/10/2018 10:10
Morning everyone , I’ve been up all night worrying and chewing and apologies in advance for the essay !
Would be grateful for any advice. I have a 1 & half year old DD and I am expecting our second baby a DS (So excited and lucky!)
I was the product of a one night stand between my mum and dad and they never ever got on through out my childhood all I can remember was arguments between them . My father married and had my younger sister, she was taken on holidays , bought the best clothes etc . We’re as I’ve never had any of that I know I may sound jealous but just trying to explain the situation better !
I was lucky to see my father once/twice a month.
So my father and his family have never liked or approved of OH. To the point where they were trying to convince me to terminate both my children. My father had only just started spending time with DD the last few months and I have to say he is a amazing grandad much better then he was a father !.
However my younger sister has just announced shes 5 weeks pregnant with a guy she’s been sleeping with from work. Now the family are jumping for joy. Messages of congratulations , my dad saying congrats on your news I love you . And I didn’t get spoke to for weeks :(
I suppose I’m scared of my children being pushed aside for her new baby. Because of what I experienced when I was a child and with announcing my own pregnancies.
my DD has only began to build a bond with her grandad. Am I allowed to feel like this or is it my hormones ?
I am thinking of TRYING to have a chat with my father but he’s not the most communicative person in the world
Hidillyho · 01/10/2018 10:13
Of course you can feel like this.
What is your mum like with your DD/partner? Sometimes you need to accept that quality over quantity is the best thing for a child. I am NC with my dad. I won’t let him near my DC because of the way he treated me growing up
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/10/2018 10:15
Why doesn't your dad like DH? Are there any real reasons for this OP?
cakesandphotos · 01/10/2018 10:16
You’re absolutely allowed to feel like this. It’s wildly unfair. However I’m not sure there’s much you can do. My dad was a useless dad and doesn’t seem to be redeeming himself much as a grandad. I’ve basically given up all expectations, that way you’re not disappointed. I don’t have the issue of a sibling though.
I think play it by ear, see what happens when the new grandchild is born but maybe don’t expect too much. It’s crap and unfair but unfortunately that’s what people are like. They let us down. Be prepared to be there for your children. What’s their relationship like with your mum? Do they have paternal grandparents?
Gingermammy · 01/10/2018 10:17
@Hidillyho my mum passed away when I was 16 (I'm now 26) so I suppose that's why I'm so desperate for DD to have a relationship with her grandad
KC225 · 01/10/2018 10:19
Have you ever told him his you feel about different treatment growing up. Is he someone who would accept there was a diffeebece or would he accuse your Mother or say you are exaggerating.
Tell him you are scared your DD will be left out. Emphasize that you think he is a great granddad and you don't want to see her miss out.
Also, sleeping with a guy from work. A boyfriend she met at work? A married guy? What does that mean?
Gingermammy · 01/10/2018 10:20
@GreatDuckCookery my father says he's "never warmed to him" and he still thinks "he needs to man up" I think it's jealousy if I'm honest obviously my father knows he has t done his best. My OH has invited my father for meals, to football matches etc
drinkygin · 01/10/2018 10:20
Oh bless you OP. You’ve been treated awfully by your dad and his family. It’s shit but unfortunately there’s not a lot you can do. Honestly if it were me I wouldn’t distance my daughter from her grandad but I wouldn’t encourage them to bond further at the moment either, to minimise the hurt she may feel if the situation plays out as you expect. Hugs to you both.
Gingermammy · 01/10/2018 10:22
@KC225 he would deffo accuse me of exaggerating haha . In the family I'm known as the drama queen . That's why I've asked for advice on here Incase I am being a drama queen and it's my hormones !
That's great advice I think I will ask him to lunch and try to maybe broach the subject I'm just scared of being accused of being jealous of my sister .
Sorry the guy had a fiancé started sleeping with my sister and left his fiancé for my sister
Petersfield · 01/10/2018 10:23
Op you poor pet, being treated that way and losing your mum so young. You are allowed all your feelings
Gingermammy · 01/10/2018 10:25
@cakesandphotos Thankyou ❤️ yes we are lucky paternal grandparents are absolutely amazing . They pick DD up every Monday for the day so I can rest , clean the house , walk the dog go to my midwife etc, buy DD nappies clothes of we need them . I am so very grateful to have them
Petersfield · 01/10/2018 10:25
Cross posted with you op. So you are the drama queen and your sister gets everything she wants? Have you read up on golden child/scapegoats in toxic families?
Gingermammy · 01/10/2018 10:27
@Petersfield yes exactly that haha I know I sound like a jealous brat, oh no I shall have a look at that just now
MrsStrowman · 01/10/2018 10:27
I mean this as kindly as possible but you need to expect less. Your father has not been a good dad all of your life, that's not going to change because you've had children of your own. Expect nothing and recognise that his behaviour is not your fault. It's his loss to not have a good relationship with you or your children. All you lose by detaching is the hurt of constant disappointment and wondering what you've done wrong/should've five differently, the advert to that is nothing, it's him that needs to change not you, and if he chooses not to you're better off without him.
BlueBug45 · 01/10/2018 10:27
OP you are presuming that the things your sister got where solely down to your dad - however you forget your sister has a different mother so her being treated differently isn't just down to him.
First make an effort with your sister then talk to your dad and ask him not to treat his grandchildren differently. Obviously you cannot control what your sister's mother does.
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/10/2018 10:32
Try not to let this consume you for now OP. I hope your dad doesn't treat his GC differently but if he does then it will show his true colours. Lovely that you have a good relationship with your DH's parents and that they are good with DD. Keep hold of that.
Gingermammy · 01/10/2018 10:33
@BlueBug45 yes I get what you mean there I didn't think of it that way ! Im very close to my sister I was the one who even bought her the pregnancy tests when she told me she was late . I haven't let on at all how I'm feeling to her that wouldn't be fair
Hidillyho · 01/10/2018 10:44
What is your relationship like with your sister? Sadly you can’t force relationships to be equal. I’m sorry to hear about your mum. It can’t be easy on you! Are your grandparents still around?
I think relationships between grandparents vary even when there isn’t a family split. My MIL treats all her grandchildren differently but I think that’s more dependant on what’s needed for each rather than favouring one over another so maybe it will be the same with your dad and the grandchildren.
I don’t think your being miss drama queen, your just trying to protect your children
Gingermammy · 01/10/2018 10:50
I do have a good relationship with my sister . When she told me her period was late and may be pregnant I actually gave her the money to go get a test and
Then to go buy a clearblue :) I told her the situation she got pregnant in wasn't great however these things happen and the baby is there now she shouldn't care about others opinions she's a 20 year old adult and convinced her not to book a termination .
Both sets of my grandparents have passed away but I am very close to one of my fathers sisters my DD calls her momar and was my birthing partner along with OH .
I can't thank everyone enough for re assuring me I'm not being a drama queen 😂
bowdownbeforelokitty · 01/10/2018 11:04
OP please prepare for history to repeat itself. Your Father has an issue with your DP because his good relationship with you and his DC simply highlights your Fathers own inadequacies as a parent to you both during your childhood and now. I fear that whilst your Father may have shown an initial interest in your DC you need to prepare yourself should he decide to devote his attentions primarily to your sisters future children. I hope this is not the case, but let's face it he has form.
Gingermammy · 01/10/2018 11:07
@bowdownbeforelokitty you know what that's what I've been thinking does my father not like my partner because of how close me and partner are ? Is that the real reason ? And my OH is everything my father is not he's a amazing daddy to our little girl and future son .
That is my fear that he will just flit in and out my children's life like he did mine. I suppose only time will tell and Ile have to take it day by day x
Gingermammy · 01/10/2018 11:08
Even my aunty (fathers sister) has told me to be ready for what is to come and to
Try not to be to upset bless her. And that's his own sister !
SelinaMyers · 01/10/2018 12:10
GingerMammy you sound lovely. I’m so glad you’re close to your sister:
Petersfield · 01/10/2018 18:50
@gingermammy I didn’t mean to imply you are a drama queen! Just that your family sound like they have labelled you that, and that is part of the dynamic. You were so lovely in your response to me too. Hopefully your father is a reformed character but if he does start to treat your dd differently, at least you will be ready to take steps to protect her. I know kids where a loved relative has come in and out of their lives erratically and it is confusing and upsetting, makes the child think it is something lacking in them. Have you had counseling re your dad? Could help to work through the feelings and protect you from getting triggered if history does repeat. Xxx
klondike555 · 02/10/2018 04:25
To the point where they were trying to convince me to terminate both my children
Anyone who ever so much as hinted at this would never, ever, see those children (or me) ever again.
WhateverHappenedToTheHeatwave · 02/10/2018 17:32
It sounds like you were a bit ignored and your sister the golden child when you were kids. Unsurprisingly the trend continues to your kids and husband.
I think you have to accept they will play second fiddle too and decide how you will react to that. The fact they urged you to terminate would have been low communication if not fuck off time for many here.
What will you do when the inevitable happens? How does your husband feel? From your update on him it sounds like he, like you, bends over backwards for your dad and his family-only to be shafted.
Thinking realistically, if you only made an effort with your sister, would they chase you or ask why?
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.