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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to the meal?

24 replies

TheMoonShinesGreen · 30/09/2018 23:12

NC'd for this as it's outing... I don't think IABU but interested to see what responses I'll get.

FIL is having a birthday meal soon and invited DH, DD (2yo) and I. Now I don't like FIL, he's recently left his wife of 10+ years (not DH's DM) after having an affair for over a year. He did the same to MIL when DH was just a child. Best thing about it is he tried to bring OW over to our house the day after he left his wife! Who we are quite close to as she is DH's best friend's mum (FIL married DH's best friend's mum).

He also completely ignored DD's birthday this year. Not so much as a card or a call to say happy birthday. He hasn't been to see us since he's left his wife all because we won't welcome OW with open arms. He's also been getting cross at the fact were still close to DH's step family. Like he expected us to cut ties because he left them.

I've told DH I don't mind if he goes as he loves his dad but DD and I won't be going. If he cba to be a decent grandpa then why should we make the effort? I have no interest in meeting OW and playing happy families, I just want to leave them to it.

OP posts:
garethsouthgatesmrs · 01/10/2018 00:03

yanbu just like you say leave them to it

MyKingdomForBrie · 01/10/2018 00:07

I'd do what my DH wanted in this situation really, as I'd want my DH to take my judgement if it was other way round.

Jozen · 01/10/2018 00:07

YANBU, make your excuses and let them crack on.

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 01/10/2018 00:10

Leave them to it op. There’s no need for you to get embroiled in this ridiculousness

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 01/10/2018 00:18

I've told DH I don't mind if he goes as he loves his dad but DD and I won't be going

YANBU to want to duck the whole thing, but in your shoes, I would probably go to lend a bit of support to my DH, just as I might want him to do for me in a tricky family situation.

user139328237 · 01/10/2018 00:28

YANBU to not want to go but YABU to say DH can't take DD with him if he wishes.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 01/10/2018 00:33

YABU to say DH can't take DD with him if he wishes

Agree with this ^

Haireverywhere · 01/10/2018 00:39

I wouldn't go either and I wouldn't want my child spending time with someone like that especially after he's thrown his toys out of the pram and not visited his grandaughter or made any effort with her.

pumkinspicetime · 01/10/2018 00:44

I agree with user
Stay well out but let your DH decide about your DC.

Fishforclues · 01/10/2018 00:49

YANBU to not want to go, but I think it's a bit selfish not to consider your DH's feelings. If he wants you and/or DD there, you and/or she should go for his sake. It's not all about you.

Italiangreyhound · 01/10/2018 01:18

I'd say you are being completely reasonable not to go. If your dh wants to take dd I would let him, although not sure why she would want to celebrate his birthday if he cannot be arsed about her birthday.

AjasLipstick · 01/10/2018 01:19

YANBU of course. I did the same when DH's best friend suddenly left his wife and moved straight in with some random woman who had two small kids.

The friend invited us over for a BBQ within a week! Luckily DH was as Hmm as me.

BGDino · 01/10/2018 01:27

I’d do what my DH wants to do, including going along if he wanted my support.

GabsAlot · 01/10/2018 10:23

support? its not an intervention its a meal-if he has no interest in his grandaughter why should they all make an effort for him andhis latest woman

MrsStrowman · 01/10/2018 10:32

YANBU to skip it, but if DH wants to take DD he should

SequinsOnEverything · 01/10/2018 10:34

But why should ops dd have to go and celebrate her grandad birthday when he didn't even acknowledge here?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/10/2018 10:37

Of course you don't have to go. I don't think I would either. Does DH want to take DD?

longwayoff · 01/10/2018 10:38

Lucky for him you're even considering it, but dont go, only trouble lies ahead.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 01/10/2018 10:50

I've told my wife I don't mind if she goes as she loves her dad but DD and I won't be going. If he cba to be a decent grandpa then why should I make the effort? I have no interest in meeting them and playing happy families, I just want to leave them to it

You see, if a man posted this, I really don't think he'd get the same thread of support.

I'm struggling to imagine posters saying, 'why should she need your support?' 'Make your excuses and let her go,' 'why should she take your DD' etc.

Obviously, I'll now be told that I'm wrong, and everyone would give the same advice regardless, but I don't quite see it somehow.

OP, only you know how tricky it would likely be on the day. It depends so much on the individuals. Situations like this can be difficult. Does your DH prefer you to go? If he's needs a bit of emotional back up, I'd want to provide it. If he says he's fine to go alone, then great, don't go.

Does he want to take your DD?

KC225 · 01/10/2018 10:56

He sounds like a selfish arse. I think YANBU do go if you don't want to - Iwouldn't. And I do get the let DH take your DD but why does he get to play happy families with a toddler he can't be bothered with on her birthday.

Fishforclues · 01/10/2018 11:21

Of course you can say "FIL forgot my child's birthday once, an eye for an eye, I'll ignore FIL's". It might technically give you the moral high ground but I think it's a bit childish. One day you might forget someone's birthday. It's normal to forgive that kind of thing isn't it, unless it becomes an ongoing pattern.

Much better for your DD to go to FIL's birthday, then near DD's birthday ring him up and invite him over for tea and cake. Make it hard for him to ignore/forget next time. If we had "one strike and you're out" on birthday acknowledgements I'd have stopped talking to my sister years ago, but she is lovely and the most fantastic auntie to my children. Family should be worth more than one forgotten birthday.

Original poster
TheMoonShinesGreen · 01/10/2018 12:50

DH isn't bothered, I think he'd appreciate a child free evening and catching up with his brothers. FIL didn't forget DD's birthday as he liked my Facebook status on the day. He just has no interest in making the effort for us.

OP posts:
Aprilislonggone · 01/10/2018 12:54

A new 'dgm' so soon for your dd isn't good imo.
Let dh go alone and you enjoy the peace!

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 01/10/2018 13:10

DH isn't bothered, I think he'd appreciate a child free evening and catching up with his brothers

Well, that's sorted then.

I think long term, you'll need to find ways of resolving some of these issues though.

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