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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Daughter’s dad taking the piss

17 replies

Bexicle22 · 30/09/2018 20:57

My 10 year old is supposed to see her dad every other weekend. He arranges his social life and then she has to fit in with that. He is constantly changing what weekends he has her, it’s impossible for us to make plans (either with or without my daughter) because he will text out of the blue and say he can’t do x weekend because of whatever so can he have her z weekend instead.

We have had plans for ages now to go away for the weekend for my partner’s mum’s 70th the last weekend of October. We worked out a while back that it’s a weekend that my DD will be with her dad. He has now text me to tell me that he’s going to be away for three weeks at the end of October, including that weekend we had planned to go away. It’s not that he has asked is it okay to change the weekend, he has told me he won’t be having her.

AIBU for starting to get really pissed off at this? This is just the most recent example, but this kind of thing is constant. We are always having to change/cancel plans to fit around him. I just find it a bit unfair because he has never once had to change or cancel plans because we’ve asked to have a different weekend. We make plans with her when she’s with us and plans without her when she’s not.

I told him that he will have to ask his mum to have her that weekend we’re away if he’s not there. He said she’s away too. I feel like if it’s his weekend and he’s not going to be there, then it’s his responsibility to find someone to look after her, like one of his sisters or his grandparents.

I feel like it sounds like I’m trying to get rid of my DD which I’m not obviously, I’m just getting fed up that we’re always having to work around him because he gives us no consideration when he constantly changes things.

OP posts:

Alpacanorange · 30/09/2018 20:59

Just take her with you, don’t make arrangements any more and wait for him to contact you.

MrTrebus · 30/09/2018 21:00

Start doing it back! Tell him away this weekend I'll drop DD off Friday evening thanks! Why are you pandering to him? Your poor DD does she want to see him?

Original poster

Bexicle22 · 30/09/2018 21:14

I would take her with us but it’s not a child-friendly place. They were going to choose somewhere else if she had been coming with us but we looked through the calendar and said that they could book the other place as she wouldn’t be with us that weekend. More fool me really for thinking he’d keep to a schedule!

Honestly, I don’t really know why I’m pandering to him. I’m annoyed at myself for letting him get away with it for so long but enough is enough. This is a weekend that has been booked and paid for. My parents are in Portugal so can’t look after her but even if they weren’t, why should it be my responsibility to find someone to look after her when it’s not my weekend. I wouldn’t decide to go out one weekend when my DD is with me and expect him to find someone to look after her for me. It’s partly my fault for giving in I guess but I’m ready to put my foot down now. My daughter wants to see him, I told her she doesn’t have to if she doesn’t want to but she said she doesn’t want to upset him by not going

OP posts:

Aprilislonggone · 30/09/2018 21:20

Send him a schedule that suits you. If he tries to swop then tough, have dd available the dates you have given him and no other.

Starlight345 · 30/09/2018 21:21

I ducks but that is where the buck stops with rp.

I think you need to stop any swaps if he misses that’s his problem.

Is there any family that would have your Dd ?

Original poster

Bexicle22 · 30/09/2018 21:28

That particular weekend, I’ve got nobody else to look after her. My sister is away at a wedding and my parents are in Portugal. I hate confrontation and don’t want to start an argument but I want him to know that this isn’t okay and that from now on we stick to the schedule and if he can’t have her for whatever reason then it’s tough.

OP posts:

JennyOnAPlate · 30/09/2018 21:30

Are you able to contact his mum and sisters directly? I bet he hasn't even asked his mum to have dd.

anniehm · 30/09/2018 21:54

Take her with you, kids don't need "child friendly" places, we actively avoided them as they were too busy (dd is autistic and hated it when people break the rules like running around at dinner). The best hotels we stayed at they were the only kids! One memorable place the manager laid on a mini spa experience for them because she asked him what a manicure was politely (reading off the sign)

Pumpkintopf · 30/09/2018 22:02

Tell your ex it's his weekend, you're away so he needs to have his daughter as per the arranged schedule.

Ginger1982 · 30/09/2018 22:07

Tell him it's tough. It's his weekend, you're going away so he needs to come up with a solution.

Ginger1982 · 30/09/2018 22:09

Plus, go to court and get an order in place.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 30/09/2018 22:22

have dd available the dates you have given him and no other

Agree with this. I know someone who has this problem and has basically accepted that they will have the child full time and then any weekend the ex actually sticks to is a bonus. I think you should plan things assuming she will be with you or have someone like your parents on childcare standby. I know this is totally unfair but it's the right thing for your DD. Don't let him swap though if he cancels he cancels. She is getting older now so in a few years she will start resenting him and his behaviour and see him for what he is.

So sorry this is what you are stuck with but be thank ful he is an ex

As for the weekend in particular could she have a sleepover at a friend's and you return the favour another weekend? I would be happy to do this for a good friend in the circumstances. Otherwise just take her. She is 10. She doesn't need a "child friendly place.

Maelstrop · 30/09/2018 22:29

I’d also plan to have her and tell him he can’t have her on ‘your’ weekends if he tries to swap. Time to woman up, OP.

CatboySpeed · 30/09/2018 22:37

I hate confrontation and don’t want to start an argument

He knows this.

Original poster

Bexicle22 · 30/09/2018 23:01

Thanks for the replies, I definitely need to woman up! I think I worry that if I cause a conflict, he will cut contact even more and I don’t want that for DD but tbh, it’s probably better than messing her (and us) about all the time.

And I mean, I could maybe take her with us if we can see if the hotel have any family friendly rooms or are able to provide us with a blow up bed or something. I do feel like that’s still unfair as I shouldn’t have to rearrange plans that have already been made and also, my DD shouldn’t have to spend a weekend stuck with a bunch of adults in a hotel where everyone will mostly be drinking (my partner’s brother is having his mother in law look after their little boy for the same reason).

I will message him tomorrow and ask him what he has found RE childcare arrangements as it’s his weekend to have her so up to him to find an alternative. We have had a written agreement with a solicitor before but after a few years, we decided to do it without a solicitor’s input and it was fine for a while but the last couple of years it’s been as and when it suits him and since this new arrangement of every other weekend has been in place (since about feb this year) it hasn’t been even close to consistent. Sometimes when he is due to have her, he leaves her with his mum and goes away. Once he picked her up on a Friday, his mum dropped her off on the Sunday and when I asked why he hadn’t, DD said that after he had picked her up, he’s dropped her at her grandmas and he’s gone to Spain for 4 days. She is very much an accessory to him I think. He likes to do things like take her on grand holidays and buy her expensive things rather than sit and help with homework or play board games so all the swapping and changing isn’t even worth it as they’re not really spending quality time together

OP posts:

LateLatte · 30/09/2018 23:09

Can a RP do this? How? You can't force someone into contact?

*@Ginger1982

Plus, go to court and get an order in place.*

LateLatte · 30/09/2018 23:10

I was advised by a solicitors company that it would cost me 2500 to get a contact arrangement in place, with no legal aid. I will be seeking a second opinion!

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