To wonder why people who have options stay with abusive partners.

[sabrinathethirtysomethingwitch]

Is it a form of Stockholm syndrome? They have simply gotten used to it and maybe don't know any better? Lack of confidence/fear of being alone?

Will try not to drip feed. Will have to change/omit some minor details to avoid outing.

FIL is a thoroughly unpleasant person to be around. I don't know full details about DH's childhood as I would never pry and ask outright. But I can glean from what family members have said that FIL was abusive when they were grown up. He was an alcoholic and has been dry in recent years. I can imagine that he was a nasty drunk. DH has said that they were always so relieved when he went away to works for long spells. He has also said that he has mellowed considerably. Has also said MIL said many times that as soon as they all left she would be leaving too. She did leave a few times but always went back.

DH's siblings have moved away (I suspect to avoid living with FIL). DH and I have settled 40 mins away from ILs. DH was adamant that he did not want to live closer to them.
Our DC is their only GC.

Examples of how he is not a nice person at present:

•Constantly puts MIL down. Argues with everything she says. Makes comments about her weight. She makes all his meals and hot drinks. I have never heard him say thank you or say that the food was nice. She will rush home to make his dinner for him getting home from work.

•He is quite well off yet notoriously tight. MIL has quite a good job herself. She pays all household bills. Pays for a car and puts the fuel in. Pays for all wedding presents, family presents out of her own money and savings. He does not buy her presents or even acknowledge her birthday with a card. She threw a big party for a milestone birthday for him recently.

•Makes racist comments and constantly makes snide remarks about overweight people, including lovely family members. Expects people to laugh. We don't. The family generally ignore everything hateful he says. No one ever pulls him up on anything.

• I am aware that I am a slightly overprotective first time mother. I feel that he has picked up on this and will do things to try to get a reaction out of me.

For example, I said please leave baby alone he is sleeping. So FIL pulled dummy out of baby's mouth. He lifted our sleeping newborn baby from his pram when we were all in the next room finishing off dinner. He has no clue how to handle a newborn and could not support his head properly. He knew that we were careful to make sure people hold the baby properly. We had to support his arm with a cushion prior to this and position DS for him to hold. MIL was obviously horrified that he lifted the baby but did not say anything to him. He knows baby is not weaned. Will say "oh do you want a biscuit" and such.

MIL has said that he did absolutely nothing to help with their children. Had zero interest. She had to discharge herself from hospital after births straight away as he wouldn't mind the others.

•MIL undergoing investigations for a potential serious illness. FIL knew this and didn't even ask about her results. She told me she wouldn't tell him and wait to see would he ever bother to ask. I asked her a week later and she brushed it off saying he now knew. I didn't push and didn't ask did he ask her. I have no doubt she gave in and told him. Results were positive. She had surgery initially (minor). I visited. She was still cooking for him and making him hot drinks.

•picks his nose and flicked it on to my sofa. Uses the arm of his glasses to scratch inside his ears constantly (at dinner table too). When he has a cold it seems like he is trying his best to spread his germs. Either that or he wants to make sure everyone knows how unwell he is.

•is a "know all". Argues with everything we say also. Usually things he clearly has no clue about. Though not quite to the extent he does with MIL. Interestingly, he does not do this so much with people outside the family. Think "house devil, street angel". Though clearly has very poor social skills also.

•is grumpy nearly all of the time. Will clear his plate with gusto in a restaurant and then complain that the food wasn't nice.

• Agreed to drive to and from a local family wedding. Made a bit of a scene about going home really early and demanding we leave there and then. I was so shocked. As I said above he is usually on his best behaviour in public. I refused to go and DH and I found another way home. MIL says that he does this when it is her side of the family. Would never do this for his side of the family. She said that she didn't say anything to him about it as she wouldn't "please him" to say anything. She was up the next morning cooking his breakfast.

•MIL is quite close to his side of the family. However she has been upset on occasion and has mentioned to DS that they have gotten together without inviting her or DH. She has acknowledged that this is most likely due to FIL being hard work.

•Family member had an accident at their house because of something he refused to spend money on to fix. She was pregnant and crying hysterically. As was her children. FIL laughed. No one pulled him on it.

MIL has commented several times that the four of us (her , FIL, me, DH) should go on holiday together. We have quickly changed the subject.
We have always visited, went out for dinner occasionally or invited them round for dinner. I agree as I feel sorry for MIL. However I never ever enjoy these occasions and resent spending money on a nice meal to look at and listen to FIL! I feel exhausted afterwards.

I feel MIL practically forces him to come visit us. Dragged him to the hospital to visit me with a newborn at 9pm because he had things to do and wouldn't come at any other time despite me telling her I did not feel up to late visitors. He will do it partly I feel because he knows people will ask about the baby etc and he couldn't say that he hadn't met baby. He's very much all for show in front of certain people.

Since we have had baby, MIL has been very intense and overbearing ( that is a whole other thread). She wants us to spend more and more time with them. I literally cannot cope seeing this man any more than what I do. She wants to mind baby and have him stay in her house. I feel apprehensive about this as I feel FIL will do something I don't agree to just to get at me and MIL will not/cannot stand up to him.

All of this causes problems between me and DH. He is such a nice person and will never offend anyone. Says he feels sorry for his mum. I can't say too much about that as his niceness is one of the qualities I like about him best. Yes his mother has been a hard work since baby was born. I am aware that i am hormonal too though. And I respect her hugely in that she was a mother and a father to DH and his siblings and raised him to be a gentleman.

Apologies I got side tracked throughout the thread talking about issues with FIL and our new baby However I feel it is relevant to the situation.

AIBU to wonder why the hell MIL is still with this man? she has a good job and has savings. Stuck in a rut?

Obviously it is not my business to say anything to her before anyone tells me to mind my business.

Well done if you have read the full thread
Just felt like it getting all off my chest.

Sorry. Couple of mistakes there re: DS instead of DH and DH instead of FIL. You get the gist

Are you me

Literally going through the same thing. Reactions to certain situations from all parties exactly same as yours.

@BigArmo it's difficult! I swing between feeling sorry for MIL and thinking it's actually her choice now to put up with it!!

Then feeling resentful that we are inflicted with him too. Maybe I'm selfish 😐

But the point is that abusers isolate their victims and destroy their self esteem. That is why the abused partner doesn't leave.

@RayRayBidet I suspect this is what has happened to MIL. Such a miserable life for someone. I find it really difficult to keep my mouth shut. Plus now it is affecting my family as I'm afraid to let MIL mind DS as I do not trust FIL.

There are different reasons for not leaving. I say "not leaving" rather than staying, there's a subtle difference.
Lack of self esteem
Fear - both of the reaction, of being on your own, of which you are reminded by the abuser over and over
Rabbit in headlights - you have lost the ability to think for yourself or take decisive action
You plan in your head to leave, over and over. But never do.
Shame - not wanting others to know how bad it is
You always tell yourself "next time"... and then repeat

@sabrinathethirtysomethingwitch
You need to resist the urge. It won't help her and may actually make things worse for her as it may provoke him when you have left.
I think you should discuss with your DP and if he agrees you need to talk to Mil alone and tell her that you are both there for her if she ever needs you.

He sounds a delight !! but I've met people like that before my dad included where everybody is offended but never pulls up on what said done. I think that's the problem you mil may choose to put up with him but you don't nor do your children. It's unacceptable behaviour and he needs telling. He won't like it but like you said you don't enjoy these family occasions and resent them so next time he says or does something in your company say something , he thinks he can say and do whatever he likes because no one says anything. Don't use that excuse that's what he's like he won't change that may be true but you can't tell others what to do but you don't have to put with it . You never know other people may follow suit . I'm talking from experience my dad is like that so I would pull him up when he was wrong but then he refused to speak to me for months but unfortunately he thinks he's right because no other family members like to upset him and disagree with him which is sad really . At least I don't have to listen to him any more . So you have 2 choices
Say something and risk a family feud but least you want have to see him again or don't say anything and carry on as normal.

You could largely be describing my FiL there. My MiL even has a stash of secret money, because years ago, a friend advised her to make sure she could escape if she needed. She admits she married FiL largely as a means of leaving home with her parents. He is cruel, unkind, a bully. He is particularly unpleasant over mealtimes and various relatives refuse to allow their children to eat with him because he is unbearable. He is like a dementor. MiL will not leave him, because she made her choice by marrying him all those many, tortuous years ago. I swing between feeling sorry for her pitiful existence to despairing that she won't change it.

I admit I snapped baby from him when he lifted him from the pram. And i answered him back on a few occasions but resisted getting in to a row. I have also challenged him once on his opinion. He went quiet. However I am aware that he does not like me as I am not a walk over. I think he might take that dislike out on my son If he gets a chance. Obviously I have no way of proving that and I just have a bad feeling about him.

I find it so hard to deal with. In my family if someone was talking BS everyone would chime in taking the piss out of them in a good natured way. And everyone has always gotten pulled up for any "bad behaviour/manners".

I would never say anything to MIL as I do not think it is my place to do so.

I appreciate all the reasons why someone does not leave an abuser. But I think I find it so difficult to get my head around as my own mother left an abusive marriage with two children. She took crap for years but as soon as she seen it affecting her children/putting them at risk she was out of there. With no job or money.

But I'm sick to death of feeling guilty for not spending more time with MIL.