To think dh needs to do more with the kids...

[Takersandgivers]

My dh is a loving caring family man. He’s working hard to try and make a great career and more money for us and we are very much a committed unit. I am a sahp to our 3 kids, age 9,6 and 2.
My problem is I would like dh to engage more with the kids. They spend all their time with me and the older two will not go anywhere with dh unless I’m coming too. Evenings and weekends he is at home with us, but his hobby is on the computer, and he spends ALL his free time on the computer. Kids are playing around, I’m cleaning/minding kids, he is in and out of kitchen and sitting room, always in good form and happy to chat but always just doing his own thing, either on his laptop or phone or computer, always distracted. All the kids care is done by me. But if I suggest us all going out that’s fine he happily will, if I ask him to go do the shopping and bring the baby, make the kids dinner, it’s no problem I need only ask. He feels like he’s very much here and therefore involved all the time and feels very hurt when I have brought up his lack of connection with the older two kids. He is a traditionalist I suppose, like my own dad was, he’s not a get down on the floor with the kids type that’s fine, he’s a leave them to play and to their own imagination. But he has so many talents he could be teaching them and he doesn’t. He adores them, their his babies, but I don’t feel he makes any effort to parent them. Both his parents worked long hours and he was left to his own devices as a kid, so he doesn’t see where I’m coming from to wanting him to play a game in the garden/read a book with them, teach them an instrument, I just want him to even have a decent 5 minute chat with them! I would always have to suggest these things to him, and it always feels like an attack on his parenting.
I know he feels hurt that I’m implying he’s not a good dad when everything he does is for his family. And I’ve tried so many times to instigate the things they could do together but it never lasts. I’m then in the position of being the nagging mean wife.

I would like to help, in positive ways, without forcing the issue, for them to do more things together. Because they won’t even go out with him at the weekend when I could really do with a break, they are totally attached to me. I’m out of ideas. Am I expecting too much?

YANBU. He needs to bond with his children and be seen by them as someone who is just as capable of looking after them as their mum (even if inevitably you're there more often). Could you not have a set time each week where you go somewhere (gym, coffee with friends, part time work, volunteer at a food bank etc) and he is just in charge of the kids. They'll probably moan at first but they'll get used to it.

I think sometimes it's hard for the working parent to slot into parent in charge role as they're less familiar with everything (rules, where the toys are, who can have which snack when etc. How often potty reminders are needed). What takes you 1 minute would take him 10.

If you leave him to it hell just have to find his feet. If someone bumps their head he'll have to cuddle them better. He might do it his own way but he'll manage. The kids will get used to dad being there for them too and won't always insist on mum.

Thanks very much for your reply hundreds. He’s very capable of minding them when I’m
not here. A part of the problem is my eldest in particular has attachment/anxiety issues with me, which has spread to the younger one, so that even if dh suggests playground or somewhere fun they don’t want to go unless I am going too. So that’s another issue altogether I suppose.
I just find myself get irrationally angry at the weekends that he’s not doing more interacting with them, he has so many talents like I said and they could benefit so much, but he has no desire to pass on his knowledge to them.

Ask him what sort of relationship he hopes to have with them as adults. Discuss how that will happen when he won't really know them. My exh used to talk about how he would take ds for his first pint!! Ds is now 26 and been nc with his df since aged 7!! Decided by the courts as they had zero relationship. Exh wondered why. He once bathed the dc and washed their hair with baby oil, declared he wouldn't bath them again and never did.

It sounds harsh but you may have to make them go out without you sometimes at weekends! Turn it into a rountine where they go get a comic with Dad perhaps? As parents we have to teach resilience even to our incredibly-anxious children. I'd also suggest a weekly family board game night...co-operative board games bring you all together and with no winners there is also no grumpiness about losers. The more time they all spend together the better and it sounds like your DH would he just doesn't think - not that he doesn't care. There's a big difference. Or how about a weekly baking session with Dad - make flapjacks his speciality for example. My Mum did all the cooking growing up but my Dad did fry-ups and we helped him peel spuds etc. I adored him and he would be 97 now so was pretty old-fashioned but clearly loved us (and beat us all at badminton in his mid sixties lol). You have to talk to your DH again and come up with practical examples of what you would like so he understands.