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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

How do I react to this?

15 replies

wopbamboo · 30/09/2018 12:00

NC as I have posted on this subject before.
.

Seeing SIL at a family event tomorrow after a few months. A few months back she got very drunk and attacked my brother and he fell and broke his shoulder. Since then he has taken her back and they are working on their marriage. I don't particularly like this as one violent act is one too far for me, but he has made his decision.

SIL has also stopped speaking to my mum after my mum tried to talk to her about what happened. So they aren't speaking either.

I just don't know how to act around her. I am torn between accepting my brothers decision and moving on, and the fact that I still feel very angry about what she did. And also I am angry about how my brother now has to partition his life because she won't spent time with our mum either.

So AIBU to be polite but not engaging, or is that awkward for my brother?

OP posts:

ApolloandDaphne · 30/09/2018 12:09

I am not fond of my DB and SIL either for many reasons i won't go into. When we meet at family events i am polite and will chat to them but I don't go out of my way to spend lots of time with them. They have a DD and i am fond of her so I would never be openly hostile to them in front of her. I like to think it is a very adult way of conducting myself. Maybe you could try to do the same?

Original poster

wopbamboo · 30/09/2018 12:16

Yes I suppose I will just have to grin and bear it.

I don't want my brother feeling even more awkward! X

OP posts:

MrsExpo · 30/09/2018 12:20

I think you need to be polite to her for the sake of your brother. His decision to move on after the drunken incident is his alone, and if he's OK with that, then it's not your place to judge.

flumpybear · 30/09/2018 12:20

Support your brother even if that means being civil to your SIL

SuchAToDo · 30/09/2018 12:26

Oh my god she sounds so violent...

I think you need to play this very carefully, it would be tempting to give her a piece of your mind and tell her exactly what you think of her for hurting your brother, but if you did that she may go home and take it out on your brother with physical violence...

So just be neutral and polite if you have to speak to her...you need to keep things ok in your relationship with your brother incase he needs help leaving her and if she falls out with you she may ban him from talking to you..so even though you won't feel like it, go your brothers sake , you may have to be polite and civil with her

If you brother leaves her, then feel free to tell her exactly what you think of her, but while he is with her, tread carefully as one wrong word could put him in danger from her

Parisbun · 30/09/2018 12:31

Often at family gatherings its just not possible to speak with each individual at length anyway so I would be all bright and breezy with them both. Nothing to take offence at and a bit of bus stop conversation can lay the foundation of further communication the next time.

Just take each meeting as it comes.

SuchAToDo · 30/09/2018 12:33

*for your brothers sake...not go your brothers sake

TooTrueToBeGood · 30/09/2018 12:40

If this wasn't a one-off incident I suspect it would suit her perfectly if you (and anyone else thst might be able to support him) were out of the picture. Keep that in mind when you decide how to play it.

Sirzy · 30/09/2018 12:43

You don’t want her to be able to isolate your brother from his family any more than he has so for his sake you need to keep up the act sadly

ReanimatedSGB · 30/09/2018 12:53

It's always the same when you are dealing with the fact that someone you care for has an abusive partner: you have to be civil to the abuser in public, for the sake of the person you care about, so that the abuser has no excuse for cutting you out of your friend or relative's life.

Oobis · 30/09/2018 13:03

I don't know the circumstances of the assault , but violence is never acceptable in a relationship. Your brother has chosen to take her back and carry on. Understandably, you're not impressed. Without knowing the details of their relationship and respective mental health, it's impossible to have an opinion. What is for sure though, if you demonstrate your disapproval openly and/or exclude your brother's wife from your family, he is much less likely to confide in you or ask for help if he needs to.
I hope his marriage is worth it to him and I hope this was a once, never to be repeated incident. Most of all, I hope your brother is happy and safe.

EffYouSeeKaye · 30/09/2018 13:05

YANBU but I agree you need to be polite and maybe a little above that just to ensure you don’t feed her a reason to cut you out too. Just tread carefully. How’re your acting skills?

EffYouSeeKaye · 30/09/2018 13:07

Also, start inventing plausible reasons to see him alone. e.g. - you’re brother is handy with plumbing, you suddenly have a leaky tap etc etc.

Original poster

wopbamboo · 30/09/2018 13:13

Yes thanks for all the advice. It's not been an isolated incident (a glass was thrown at him once, a watch snapped off his wrist another time.

We keep waiting for him to leave but he doesn't.

And yes someone is spot on when they say it would be very convenient for us to be out of the picture and kicking off or giving her a piece of my mind would give her the reason to cut me out too, she's already done it to my mum.

OP posts:

Diomedea · 30/09/2018 15:06

I think it depends on your relationship before that horrible thing happened. If you were friends with your SIL I would be inclined to try and keep that going while they are working on their marriage. She is likely very embarrassed (as she should be) and sometimes this can come out as over defensive and maybe that caused the fall out between her and your DM.

But she also needs support to work through things with your brother - if her violent outbreak was caused by some underlying issues she has been having then it's going to be difficult for her to work through them without support from people she can trust.

If you want to support your brother, and he want his marriage to heal then you may have to support him by supporting their relationship - as hard as that might be at first. If it works out for them they will remember that you were there for them through the tough times, and if it doesn't your brother will trust you to help him with problems in the future as you followed his wishes this time (and it could you in a better position to help in leave if, god forbid, a similar attach occurs in the future - him knowing that you also gave her a 'second' chance).

It’s a really hard position for you to be in but I think you are doing the right thing by carefully thinking about how you should act with them. Good luck

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