To dislike my 7 yo DS, I'm so fed up!

[yorkshirepuds]

To dislike my 7 year old DS, I’m so fed up!

Me and their dad are separated but we’re still living together, whilst ex is waiting for his flat to be ready.

Ex is very EA and always calls me names and undermines me in front of the children.

DS was lovely until he turned 5, that’s when the problems started. I really love my son, but I’m scared he’s gonna turn into his dad. He’s so different to my other DD and DS, I’m starting to feel my feelings towards him are changing. He’s so difficult, here’s a few examples of his behaviour.

When he takes toys from his siblings deliberately, I’ll literally stand at the door and tell him 2-3 times to give it back, to the point where I’m shouting. And he will ignore me, same goes with hitting his siblings. He talks back to me, but would never dream of talking back to his dad.

He puts his dad on a pedestal, looks up to him very much and respects him. Yesterday I got DD ready for bed, and I said “ come on DS, let’s go it’s time for bed”, he looked at me and then looked back at the tv completely ignoring me, and his dad was sat next to him. His dad then said, give him 10 mins. If his dad wasn’t there, he would have come.

Another example is when I tell him to do something or stop doing something, he will look at his dad to sort of expect a signal or something, completely ignoring me. Sometimes his dad will smirk when I talk to DS, and DS looks at his him.

It’s like he trying to turn him into a mini version of himself. My other DS and DD respects and listens to me, they don’t look at their dad expecting a “signal”, and I love them immensely.

Ex keeps talking about his new place, and DS has hinted he would like to live with him, I honestly sometimes feel like packing his bags and letting him live with his dad. I don’t know what to do, please help me. I fear I’m losing my DS. I work incredibly hard to give my children a good life, and everything they want. I also want to put them in private schools in the next year or two, but feel like why should I do nice things for DS when he’s treating me like shit and wants to live with his dad? I feel like a bad mum saying this, but I did everything for DS from moment he was born til now.

This is not your on’s fault. Your Ex is manipulating him and using your innocent and trusting child as way to undermine and hurt you.
It is all part of the emotional abuse and your son is a victim as much as or even more as you are. He deserves a living relationship with his mother and your ex is interfering with that.

You really need to get your ex out if your house ASAP. Children should not be living with abusive adults.

*Not your Son’s fault

I think you will be able to effect change in your DS much better once your ex is gone.

It sounds a very toxic situation and as he’s 7 he’s picking up on everything. Can your ex live somewhere else while waiting for his flat? It’s not healthy for anyone.

Try to hang on in there. I think once your ex is out of the house it’ll be easier. He is essentially manipulating your son and putting him in the middle. It’s awful but not your sons fault.

Sorry it sounds a very stressful situation

Poor child is living in a toxic atmosphere, witnessing emotional abuse and feeling torn between a father who uses him as a way of upsetting his mother and a mother who doesn’t seem to like him very much. He is only 7. His behaviour is a reflection of what he sees around him. I don’t see anyway to fundamentally change this until your ex leaves but do start changing your own behaviour now so that your son feels loved AND liked by you. Love bomb the poor child. Do not let his father force you to be bad cop all the time. If your ex is good cop, you be even-better cop. This poor, poor child is a victim.

This is not your son's fault, it's learned behaviour. He needs some help, there are groups and 121s available for children who've been witness to abusive relationships and since of that is focused on healthy communication and relationships. In my area they are run by mulberry tree centres, but this will vary in other places. Share your concerns with the school who should be able to refer to something appropriate via social care if not directly.

Your poor DS is torn and a product of the toxic environment he's living in

Your stbx is trying to ensure you have an abuser when he’s gone. Hang on in there. Get help if you can. Keep talking.

Your son is being used as a weapon, put your ex out of the picture asap and this problem should get better. Poor child, what a horrible place to be.

Please don’t send him to live with his knob of a father! You will be inflicting another abusive male onto the next generation, putting his future wife through all that you have suffered.
I agree with the PPs - once your horrible partner has moved out, it will be much easier to reassert control.
As a side issue - most kids ignore shouting. A menacing quiet hiss, strict boundaries, and definite penalties that are enforced without question, are much more effective!
You need to respect yourself and believe implicitly in your own authority, in order to regulate your son. If he sees you deferring to his dad, or showing weakness, he will immediately sense where the true power is in your household. This should improve dramatically when the knob leaves, but you can start practising now!
Good luck, OP. Your son can be rehabilitated fairly quickly once you have sole control. He’s a normal nice 7 year old underneath - he will crave your love and approval. You can work with that.

I also agree with love bombing your ds. He needs to know you love him unconditionally. Do you think he too young to be taken to one side once upstairs and away from your stbx and explained the rules? eg Please listen to mummy. Mummy is putting you to bed, not daddy discussion.

Do try not to lose control. This is what his father wants so he can tell your ds what a horrid, shouty, unreasonable woman you and and this is why he’s divorcing you. You’re playing into his hands. I know you know this.

Yep, Ex is to blame, not your son.
It will be so much better when ex goes, but he will still try and be the "nice" parent who does not have barriers and gives in to them so be prepared - but stick with it. Children actually needs boundaries to show them you love them and care what they do.

Get your ex out!

It's not too late. When the ex leaves I recommend some counselling for you all and ask for family sessions with the kids as well, maybe a couple for you and ds7.

Seeing your son turn into a mini version of his father is heartbreaking, it happened to me. And be prepared for when they visit their dad, the attitude comes back with them. It will seem like all the hard work was in vain but remember he's seven. He is old enough to reason and understand respect..

Good luck, this situation will not last forever, remember ur splitting up will be the best thing you could ever do for your dc, all of them xxx

Poor little boy: his father is ruthlessly exploiting him to further abuse you. Please look into getting some external support for your DS, who will be utterly miserable, torn between trying to please his dad and trying to please you (children love parents unconditionally, and this is something abusers are very good at exploiting).
And get the horrible man out of the house as soon as you can. He does not get to make all the rules.

You need to kick your ex out now, or move out temporarily with the children if that isn't possible. This won't be resolved till he's out of the house.

Your poor son. None of it is his fault.

Undermining you as a parent is not the same as being emotionally abusive towards his son.
If you feel your son would do better living with his dad, maybe, that's the way to go.

I don't get why kids have to stay with the mother when parents split.

Your ex is causing your DS to behave this way because your DS is witnessing your ex being abusive to you. You need to kick your ex out immediately.

Sorry but I seem to be the only one who's picked up on you saying "letting him " live with his father. It's his father. He has as much right as you do. Kids are usually closer to one parent over another. What you have said besides the fact you're not a couple anymore doesn't sound like anything other than usual behaviour for many families I know. Sounds like you're trying to pass the blame onto your ex.

How long before the flat is ready? If more than a week or two you need to think about ex moving out now.