To be scared to separate from DP

[mummaaaa]

DP and I have two children. He is horrible to the eldest. He has no patience for DC1, I'm constantly having to tell him to calm down. He screams for the smallest of reason, ie dancing around. Apparently this is to loud and he's always telling them to shut up. To me, it's fun and cute and aslong as they aren't hurting themselves or someone else who the hell cares. He's only nice to DC2 because their to young to do anything wrong.

I'm scared to separate from him because he will expect shared custody of the children. DC1 would absolutely hate this, they hate him. He is an awful person to them. He acts like the best father to his family and friends but it's a complete lie and I'm at breaking point. I'm constantly defending DC1 actions and probably will be defending DC2s soon aswell. He isn't a bad partner but he's an absolutely terrible father.

Please help me. What would you do? I'm about to break. He grew up with bad parents and now he's one. It's embarrassing the way he screams at them in public too for no reason. Help me.

This is why I’m still with my dh op.

Start a diary of his abuse.

Talk to a solicitor

Yanbu, its never easy even when you know its the right thing to do.
Can you secretly record and film him to get some evidence of his behaviour? He is going to harm the children the way he carries on but he is also going to deny it.

You might get better answers if you ask MN to move this to Relationships.

He might expect shared custody but unlikely to get it. And if he can't cope with the children he's probably not likely to go for shared custody. Why do you think he will?

Start a diary. Gather evidence. Speak to a solicitor.

His abusive behaviour is affecting you and will have life-long effects on your two children. Honestly, I would leave and worry about dealing with his contact thereafter as a seperate problem. If you stay together, you and you children will definitely pay a heavy price, guaranteed. If you leave, at the very least you can be sure the three of you will feel safe in your own home. If he continues to abuse them when he has contact you can look into supervised or no contact as possible options.

Seek legal advice. Yes if you leave him then the children have a right to a relationship with their father, but they also have the right to be protected from abuse.

Keep a diary of unreasonable behaviour. Times dates what dc did and what his reaction was.

Do you think he would go on a course or learn about what is considered normal behaviour in children?

How was he during pregnancy and birth? Were his expectations realistic?

Is it an anger problem or unrealistic expectations? Does he react that way to other people? Waiters cashiers etc.

You are completely incorrect Average, I’m sorry, he is entitled to access to his children and he will get it.

Do you think he would go on a course or learn about what is considered normal behaviour in children?

Personally, I wouldn't consider thst as an option. The OP states that he manages to put on a front when with extended family. He is an abuser, not someone who needs help learning how to parent.

This is abuse. You can't stop it causing damage by being there to try to smoothe it over afterwards. It doesn't work like that, sadly.

If he was a good partner he would respect you and listen to you and stop abusing his children. He hasn't. He's not a good partner.

Speak to women's aid: 0808 2000 247. Rights of Women would be worth a call too.

Whilst it's commendable that you're trying to defend them from him and you're worried that if you separated you wouldn't be able to do that when he saw them, there is also their perspective to consider.

What they see is that you haven't taken steps to prevent this happening at all - so that they wouldn't be on the receiving end of his abuse in the first place for you to try and then mitigate. The only way children have to understand what happens to them and around them is that it's their fault. They will understand this as being necessary because they are bad and they are making him abuse them.

Please don't underestimate the devastating life long consequences that will have on them. What he's doing isn't your fault, but you'll never be able to mitigate the harm he is causing as long as you keep them permanently in the same home as him.

How are they ever going to learn to feel safe, loved, and acceptable if they're constantly walking on eggshells and nothing they do is good enough for him?