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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect some financial support?!

18 replies

Rosskidsmum · 30/09/2018 09:48

Now don’t get me wrong, the sensible part of me already knows the answer, but you know when you’re constantly being demonised you really do start to question yourself!

I have been divorced now nearly 3 years and split with my husband 2 years prior to that, it was a toxic and occasionally violent relationship.
We have 2 sons now aged 9-11 hw has not seen his sons for nearly 4 years, this occurred mainly because of how difficult my ex made things. It started off with him wanting to take his sons to meet his new girlfriend whom he was living with after meeting her only 10 days before!!! I got all of the usual, you’re just jealous speech.. Then it was I’m not looking after the kids so you can work more hours and earn more money, then it was I’m not looking after the kids so you can go out with your friends, at this point I knew whatever I did I could never really move forward with my life, so I started divorce proceedings which I worked 2 jobs to pay for by myself. Just before the dicree NiCi was due to be signed, he refused to let the divorce go any further unless I agreed to let him stop paying maintenance for his boys, under duress I agreed, I was in a new relationship and just wanted my divorce to come through.
The divorce completed yippee! And I moved house and contacted the CSA for help, the barrage of texts that came trough was horrible, I blocked him every time but he would find a new way to contact me, telling me he knew I’d moved and he would come and see me, so for an easy life I dropped the csa.
I’ve have sinced moved to another city and once again thought I need some help and contacted the CSA, he now has no number or address for me but has found my partners number and contacted him!
I just feel attacked and that I must be in the wrong to have to deal with this sort of behaviour.
I don’t really know what my options are and how I get him to leave me alone, other than once again withdrawing the CSA.
I have uploaded a message he sent to my OH.

OP posts:

Walkerbean16 · 30/09/2018 09:55

no YANBU he made the children he needs to pay for them.

Magik1 · 30/09/2018 09:57

Looks like he wants to know where he stands. Contact the CSA and go through with it. If he contacts you and you feel threatened report him for harassment but whatever the case if you’re going to contact the csa just do it and don’t keep changing your mind.

confusedmummy76 · 30/09/2018 10:03

Looks like he wants to know what's happening as you keep starting claims and then dropping them. U need to see it through or just leave it. And it sounds like he feels if the kids are calling the man dad then he should be responsible for them (not that I agree with that). I think either see the claim through or just forget about maintenance altogether none of this starting and stopping.

confusedmummy76 · 30/09/2018 10:04

*the new man dad

Original poster

Rosskidsmum · 30/09/2018 10:08

My kids don’t call my OH dad, I think he just says this nonsense to justify not paying for them!

OP posts:

Inertia · 30/09/2018 10:11

Go through the CMS and see it through. The children are his financial responsibility, but he keeps wriggling out of it by threatening and harassing you until you give up. For him, threats and making you out to be a bitter, spiteful ex works much better than admitting to being a feckless father, or even meeting his responsibilities to his kids.

The money is for his children.

If he threateyand harasses you for pursuing a maintenance claim then go to the police.

Inertia · 30/09/2018 10:12

threatens and harasses

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 30/09/2018 10:14

Of course he should be paying maintenance for his kids and should have been from the start. But to be honest, I can see why he’s confused about where he stands, given all the stopping and starting you’ve done with CSA and the like.

I’m baffled by the divorce/maintenance deal. I can’t believe your solicitors were happy with you to accept that! Because if they were, you need better legal advice.

Inertia · 30/09/2018 10:18

Was there some kind of formal agreement about maintenance as part of the divorce? Or is it something you were blackmailed into agreeing to ?

Thehop · 30/09/2018 10:22

Ignore the message block the number and continue the claim.

Original poster

Rosskidsmum · 30/09/2018 10:33

There was no formal agreement in place, at that time he was paying for the boys directly but I was using a DIY divorce service and the threats of him not signing and it costing further money to go to court and have it finalised were enough for me to agree, I just feel stupid because he’s bullied me in to submission every time. But I don’t want anyone to get caught up in my drama, I have no idea how he got my OH number and I feel mortified that he has messaged him, there were messages sent before that, where he threaten to call the tax man in on my OH business!
He will literally use anything he can to make me roll over.

OP posts:

Feefeetrixabelle · 30/09/2018 10:35

He knows if he sends you a barrage of messages you will give up and drop the claim. Don’t drop the claim. He made the children he needs to pay for them. Vile excuse of a man.

I would suggest your partner replies wrong number if he hasn’t already confirmed who he is and then blocks. Anyone that he contacts should do the same. Don’t feel embarrassed by his behaviour no matter who he contacts. All you have to say is my ex is avoiding paying maintenance to his children- the shame is on him not you

HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 30/09/2018 10:40

Well he got bored of having a wife and kids when it got difficult and wants to wipe his hands of his responsibilities. Tough luck! He made the kids he's responsible for them until their out of education.

MrsStrowman · 30/09/2018 10:40

Reply on OHs phone, I'm not backing down on the claim this time, expect to hear from CMS, it's up to you whether you engage a solicitor or not. Then block him. Keep copies of every contact he makes, whatever format that's in and see it through with CMS he ought to be financially supporting his children. He may well want contact, if he does he will need to engage a solicitor and start a court process, you may have to accept that some form of supervised contact is granted. Ensure you've got all paperwork from the time of separation and abuse, handy, eg police info, Abby agencies who were involved, women's aid, social care and so on as these will be needed should he seek contact. Your children are of an age where cafcass would ask their views on whether they want to see him or not.

Spinner2018g · 30/09/2018 17:58

True story, knew someone who had a child, they were in the pub every week spending lots of money, laughing with their mates, that they never paid a penny to support their child. Seriously, why should you look after the children physically, emotionally and financially. Put the claim in via CSA ! Just think of the image of a man laughing !

GabsAlot · 30/09/2018 21:58

just do it and a solicitor wont do anything he has to pay maintenance putting it in the divorce isnt legally binding

GunpowderGelatine · 30/09/2018 22:21

Ignore ignore ignore. Contact the CMS, do not drop the claim he is obligated to pay for his kids. He's a big boy it's up to him wether he wants to go to a solicitor.

Now I'm not a psychic or anything but I bet my bottom dollar that at the end of it he won't fight one bit to see his kids, despite all the threats

Havaina · 01/10/2018 10:32

Don't drop the CMS claim. Is he self-employed?

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