to ask if you have any tutors visiting your DC at home?

[hometutor1234]

Sorry I posted this in teenagers by mistake

I work as an instrumental tutor and during the day work in schools and a couple of evenings a week I visit people's homes to teach their DC for 1-1 lessons.

I have been doing this job for about 15 years so regard myself as quite experienced.

I visit a family which I am having a real problem with and am on the point of not going there anymore as I feel so uncomfortable.

The Mum is nice but massively intense and OTT. She sits opposite me at the dining table, asking questions throughout the lesson. She then keeps me after the lesson time and carries on asking questions.

The daughter has a homework diary and therefore everything is written down. The last straw was last week when the Mum asked to record my hands on her ipad to check her daughter was getting everything correct when doing her homework.

It's got to the point I am thinking of saying 'sorry I can no longer fit you in I have other work commitments' - I would love to be honest but you can't really tell a parent that she is too intense and making me feel uncomfortable can you? Especially when it is in their home.

What makes me laugh though is her daughter is only 7 and a complete beginner working on prep test- anyone would think she was working on a performance diploma at A level standard the way her mum behaves!

Any ideas?? what would you like to happen if you were either in my position or the Mum

I am also an instrumental tutor and go to people's homes. I would find it extremely distracting to have to keep taking questions during the lesson. Can you suggest that you finish up 5 mins early so that you can answer any questions she might have? And at the end when she is trying to ask you more things, be packing up and letting them know you have somewhere else you need to be.

Easier said than done I know though. If it were me, I would struggle too. I'd probably let them know that you are struggling with commitments and need to stop the lessons. I would probably offer to help them find a new teacher though so you aren't leaving them in the lurch so to speak.

Good luck

Thanks andantecantabile - or should I say leisurely pace in a singing style!!

Yes I have dropped subtle hints like looking pissed off when she interrupts me and trying to make a hasty get away, but unfortunately she doesn't seem to pick up on these. I am veering towards suggesting another tutor as I am a bit busy!

Just never come across such a high maintenance parent - most parents just let you get on with it whilst they prepare dinner in the kitchen!

Hehehehe! I have occasionally had parents who stay in the room doing other stuff whilst I teach but never interrupt, but most just leave me to it and chat to me for a couple of minutes at the end. Her behaviour isn't typical in my experience. I would definitely aim to politely end the lesson arrangement and perhaps suggest an alternative - it's not worth the stress!

How is the child whilst mum is sitting there interrupting? I stopped doing home visits ages ago as I prefer 'my territory' and didn't like the travelling. I do find usually having parents in the room have a detrimental effect to the learning with a couple of exceptions.

I fully support the 'sorry my schedule has changed and I can't accommodate you anymore' approach but if you want some alternative suggestions:

See if you can arrange that mum is not in the room. As andante says (andante are you on the AB forum the user name looks familiar?) end the lesson 5 minutes early for questions but then very firmly 'I have another appointment I'm sorry I have to leave' and bustle out with instrument very definitively.

Avoid answering questions during the lesson, keep your focus on the child and try a sorry please let me show DStudent I'll cover some questions at the end, don't get drawn.

The iPad thing, I would say to mum its more important for her to develop her own confidence just make sure hands are generally in this shape (I'm a pianist so curved fingers etc) although I have allowed students to record mine when we were in the last minute exam panic and they needed help with a couple of scales.

Good luck

We had a neighbour who was like that with workmen around the house.

The painter let slip to us that he charged her extra as he knew jobs for her would take longer than for anyone else.

That's horrendous. When my DS has his music lessons at home, they go off into his bedroom and I stay in the living room watching TV. If the tutor has anything to say, he'll say it at the end and any paperwork gets emailed.

How odd! DD's piano teacher comes to our home, I say hi and make polite conversation for a minute or so (we have a mutual friend), hand over the cash then leave them to it. I am often busy when she leaves, but will stick my head out to say "thanks, bye" if I am aware she is leaving. Don't think I have ever asked her how DD is doing 😂 DD is 15 and tells me she loves her lessons so that's fine by me.

Thanks billy - the child doesn't seem to mind mum there and asking = she's only 7 so probably expects it.

I really don't like parents in the room either - it's generally very distracting for the child - but of course most parents pick up on this and leave.

I don't have a problem with the ipad thing necessarily - I think it was the last straw as I was feeling uncomfortable with everything else to do with the Mum and the lesson.

What is also extremely annoying is they would search the pieces they were working on on youtube and copy - of course a lot of the time these pieces were either played incorrectly or at an unrealistic tempo!

aargh never mind -

@billybagpuss yes I am, hello! 
@hometutor1234 if you would like any more input from other teachers you might find the ABRSM forum helpful (and friendly!)

professor and toes

Yes but you are obviously normal parents! :) :)

thanks andante :)

I've done academic tutoring and that is way beyond anything I've seen or heard of. I've had parents asked to be in the room for the first lesson (I always suggest a trial lesson so the student can decide if we're a good match) but they just quietly read a book. Some students have lessons downstairs in the kitchen where one of the parents might be milling about which is absolutely fine but not interfering in the lesson.

For the sake of the poor girl maybe you should write an email saying that you'd prefer to have the lesson just you and

Yes I suggested seeing the girl in school during the day - but Mum was also unhappy with this as she insisted she needed to be present in the lesson as she felt the daughter would not be able to practise or learn anything without her. (I guess that in itself is a bit worrying - but Mum is also a teacher so I thought she would be a bit more aware of how things work - but there again class room teaching is completely different to instrumental teaching so I guess not)

I teach plenty of children ages 7 (sometimes younger), all have a homework diary and all seem to manage fine! Of course if I feel they are struggling or not understanding something I would flag this up with the parent anyway.

The more I think about it the more weird I find this parent.

Could you tell the mum that you have another pupil immediately after her DD and cannot stay to chat beyond 5 minutes?

We have never had an instrumental teacher come here, but I used to go to people's houses. When my kids were very young (4-6) I used to sit in their lessons with them but once they were going well, I sat in the car outside. With those I have taught, I was always left to it. The last one I taught this way, mum or dad was in the kitchen opposite. Student was 7, so if he did something especially good, we would invite mum and/or dad to hear it. However, his parents are both excellent musicians and music teachers, so they get the need for some space.

As an aside, are you discussing the ABRSM forum on their website, or on here? I have a major issue with a grade 8 piece where the edition specified is abysmal and I need some likeminded people to discuss it with. Sadly, it's not the piano...

Come to think of it I did have an online home schooled student with a very interfering mum (she knew absolutely nothing about the subject and wasn't a teacher). We'd go over a topic in the lesson he'd just about get it and I'd set him a little work to help practise and solidify what he knew. Next week he'd say "mum told me not to bother with that work as I already get that topic she said to read ahead to the next chapter". I confirmed with mum that yes she had instructed him to do that and was adamant it was the right thing to do. It was a nightmare as he never really learned anything. I did send an email saying that he was going to fail because he hadn't practised any of the topics and just didn't have the fluency to do the exam. She persisted that she wanted to "get him through the syllabus". He ended up massively underperforming which knocked his confidence.

Hi Malbec - I'm not on the ABRSM forum, but it sounds like a good place to be - what is the grade 8 piece you are finding abysmal?

Hundreds

Ah yes the interfering mums who know best - yes they do make me laugh. Little johnny comes in and says my mum says I should work on X as I can already play Y. Ahh yes but you can't play it correctly though can you?

Just small things like correct notes, correct rhythm and a sense of pulse go a long way lol

Two things really - first one would be to take her aside before you start and explain that you need to leave at the end of lessons to go to the next pupil. If she needs more of your time at the end than the core lesson time could she let you know how long she wants you to stay because you will be increasing the price.
Second for me is that personally I just couldn't be arsed. I'd maybe tell her that I felt her interruptions were having a negative impact on learning. If she didn't like that or nothing changed I'd just end the agreement.

hometutor, it's the Telemann Sonata in D for double bass. The solo part and piano accompaniment are very different in terms of pitch !), dynamics and ornaments. My student will be playing her part and it bears no resemblance to what I have in front of me. Oh, and the "piano" part is a figured bass with the RH in cue-sized notes so I can barely read it (I am long-sighted and even with glasses I'm struggling). Is there an ABRSM forum on MN?

Rhonda - lol at couldn't be arsed - yes I am now finding myself in the 'can't be arsed camp'

Malbec - wow that is really specialist - double bassists are few and far between let alone one of grade 8! I'm so sorry I am unable to help, I am not aware of an ABRSM forum on MN either?

@Malbecfan I have hopefully sent you a Pm

andante are you a double bass player? You must be like gold dust if you are!