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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu to give up trying to breastfeed?

66 replies

funinthesun18 · 30/09/2018 07:10

Baby is 3 days old and I’ve been trying to breastfeed her. It’s not gone very well as I think I’ve been getting the technique wrong Sad I’m bleeding a bit and I’m SO sore.
I formula fed my other babies and they were all happy healthy babies, but this time I really wanted to give breastfeeding a go as this is my last one and I wanted to really enjoy that closeness to her.
I’ve been considering putting her on formula because the pain is too much. But my milk has come in now and I feel so guilty and upset. It’s a bit of a now or never thing now because if I stop then the milk will go and won’t come back.
I just don’t know what to do 😢

OP posts:
Jimdandy · 30/09/2018 07:42

If it’s making you miserable and bleeding, I’d switch to formula without a second thought.

I personally find it a bit insulting when people/campaigns etc insinuate your bond isn’t as string if you don’t breastfeed!

Yellowsunredroses · 30/09/2018 07:44

Actually most people find not bf contributes to pnd because they wanted to do it and couldn’t/didn’t not bf like a pp said - bf doesn’t cause pnd!!

GuntyMcGee · 30/09/2018 07:45

Firstly get hold of your community midwife (phone number should be given to you on notes or some discharge paperwork). Get someone to come out to you today and get some feeding support.

Some pain can be expected while your nipples adjust to the very forceful suck of a newborn, but cracks and blisters can be a sign that the latch isn't quite right, which can be caused by a number of things.

As others have suggested, Lansinoh nipple cream will help aid the healing and will work quite quickly, but the underlying cause of the pain needs to be addressed too.

Please reach out and get support from your midwife or breastfeeding support team if you have them in your area and get someone out today. It may be a very simple tweak which may make a big difference.

In the meantime while waiting for help, try hand expressing milk onto a clean spoon and allow baby to lap the milk off the spoon. This will be ok for today, will make sure baby is being fed and will give your nipples some relief. There are lots of hand expressing and spoon feeding videos on YouTube if you're not sure how to. Plus have a look at the la leche league website for hints and tips too.

If you BFing isn't for you, then try not to feel guilty, but my advice is don't give up on a bad day - there are lots of things to try before giving up if breastfeeding is really what you want to do. And lots of things to try before moving towards nipple shields.

Small steps OP.

But do reach out for some face to face support today x

IdaBWells · 30/09/2018 07:52

BFing also causes hormones oxytocin and prolactin to be released which as well as helping to produce milk oxytocin is called the “feel good” hormone as it relaxes you and helps you feel good, encouraging bonding (not to say all parents of course bond with their children this is just part of our body’s natural response).

BunsOfAnarchy · 30/09/2018 07:57

First of all congratulations OP!

You are doing incredibly well. If you want to try a couple things before you do decide to give up, i have a few pointers;

  1. Nipple cream. I used the samples from my bounty/mum to be bags until husband could nip out to get me some.
  2. If your milk is in good supply use even a cheap manual pump (i used a lansinoh one, real good). Or the hakaa which works wonders at collecting let down. If u wanna use a bottle look up pace feeding, so baby will drink at the sameish rate as your own flow.
  3. Have a look where your nearest infant feeding team are or breastfeeding team and ask if baby can be properly checked for tongue tie. Not visually, consultant needs to actually put their finger in to check.

My DD was FF for the first week due to so many BFing issues especially nipple pain. She managed to start breastfeeding aftee day 9 but couldn't maintain her latch. I carried on BFing though as my milk was almost in oversupply.... I soldiered on until her weight gain was poor and at 9weeks she was diagnosed with a very severe tongue tie. 11 weeks had it cut and it wasnt till 14w that she actually could suckle properly...
We're nearly 6 months and she is still EBF.

I know i should have or could have given up. I only carried on because its what i really wanted to do.

Its about how you feel about it. Defo rule out TT though. My infant feeding team told me had it been checked at the hospital and cut then, i wouldnt have suffered so much!

You got this mama x

8DaysAWeek · 30/09/2018 07:59

Some fab advice already I won't repeat.

I have been there and the pain is indescribable. I remember crying in the first week every time DS woke or wanted fed because I was anticipating the pain.

Then I googled feeding techniques and found the "flipple" technique which changed everything and corrected DSs latch. Took a couple of weeks and a LOT of nipple cream to heal but it was night and day for us!

FusionChefGeoff · 30/09/2018 08:00

Hope the link works, when I had sore bleeding nipples it was because I wasn't getting nearly enough nipple in - or anywhere near 'deep' enough.

This is a great demo of what you are aiming for.

mummabubs · 30/09/2018 08:02

Really sorry to hear you're struggling OP. Despite input from support groups, LLL, NHS and a cranial osteopath my son wouldn't/couldn't latch so after 8 weeks I switched to exclusively expressing breastmilk- he's now 11 months old and we're nearly at the stage where I'm going to stop. It definitely isn't a choice that suits everyone (and has been bloody hard at times if I'm honest!) but it doesn't seem to be an option that gets much discussion- it's like either you feed from the breast or you give a bottle when there is another option if you want to give your child breastmilk but can't feed from you.

I'd say go with what will be best for you and your baby. Although I still believe that breastmilk is best I certainly would never judge anyone else for not going down the expressing route and using formula instead. Just wanted you to know their is another option 😊 Best of luck with whatever you decide to do and congratulations for your little one xx

mummabubs · 30/09/2018 08:03

*and meant to add those first 8 weeks were excruciating to the point I was dreading every feed. :/ Definitely get some Lanishoh and I've heard rumours that cabbage leaves in the bra are supposed to help was never gave that one a go myself! 😂

Oysterbabe · 30/09/2018 08:07

I saw a post from a lactation consultant on FB, I'll post it below. Some of the language is a bit cringe but it says what I wanted to say. If you want to breastfeed then being advised to just quit doesn't help.

There's a post flying around facebook at the moment saying that it doesn't matter how you feed your baby because they will still end up eating junk food. I. Am. Tired. Of. This. A week doesn't go by where I don't find myself sitting with a Mum who is crying deeply about how difficult breastfeeding is, and she really, REALLY wants to make it work, but the people around her keep saying "It's ok, just stop - it doesn't matter anyway." So many tears, every week. So much hurt, conflict, and pain. Women gritting their teeth as they deal with a painful latch they've been told is "fine", women weeping their way through stories of slow weight gain that formula has been prescribed to fix instead of decent breastfeeding support. Women told that frequent feeding isn't normal, that waking through the night isn't ok... and that formula is the fix. "Just stop - because it doesn't matter anyway." Let me say this really clearly. IT MATTERS.

It matters because of this pain. It matters because women are tearing themselves apart over this. They aren't being silly, or overreacting, they aren't being pressured, or sold lies about breastfeeding. They are upset, hurting, and feeling like they are falling apart because breastfeeding is important to them. Nothing else matters. Here's how it should go: "It's important to you? Great, lets find a way to make it work." I can't think of any other situation where the answer would be "Oh don't bother, it doesn't matter." In every other area of our lives we look for, and expect to find support for our choices, whether thats weight loss, getting fit, a promotion at work... but when its how we feed our babies?? Our innate desire and drive to breastfeed isn't important? Oh hell no. It is SO IMPORTANT. That's why we cry so much when it's difficult and we find ourselves against a wall of helpful people telling us to stop. Women (most women who start breastfeeding, not all) don't want to stop. They want support. It matters. Ok? If you want to breastfeed, you will never, ever hear me say "it doesn't matter, just stop." you might hear me say "How can I best support you?" or "what do YOU want to do?" or maybe even "How are you feeling about the formula top ups?" but I will never be so dismissive as to tell you this thing that is ripping your heart out doesn't matter. Because I see you. I see your struggle and conflict. And I know that it really does matter - that's why it's so filled with difficult feelings, and I've got you, Mama.

MicroManaged · 30/09/2018 08:10

Lots of good advice on here. Day 3 is the WORST IME...it will get better op Flowers

iamthefox · 30/09/2018 08:15

I’ve fed three and all had a decent latch, but even so I would get cracked bleeding nipples in the first few days if I didn’t use preventative measures.

By my third I had discovered hydrogel breast discs - amazing things, very healing and cooling - so hardly had any damage. I can’t remember how much they are but one box should see you through the worst days.

It should get a bit easier every day until it’s not painful at all. If that doesn’t happen then there may be a latch or technique issue / tongue tie.

Good luck, and please don’t worry if you need to move on to formula.

converseandjeans · 30/09/2018 08:19

YANBU to bottle feed. Don't feel bad!

Maybugger · 30/09/2018 08:26

Firstly many congratulations OP 💐
BF is great when it goes well - I BF dc1 for 9 months, dc2 for 3 weeks before changing to formula.
As a former midwife I firmly believe that there's no 'second best' in using formula, it's far better to have a happy baby and a relaxed Mum than carrying on struggling.

Yellowsunredroses · 30/09/2018 10:03

May - I think your advice is a bit dangerous/wrong. The best thing for the op given she is struggling - would be to fix the feeding problems so she isn’t struggling! Not just give up as that can cause mental health issues too and formula isn’t always easier!
Op give it a reasonable go - get help, persevere to the point you are happy you’ve tried hard enough - and then if still not working switch to ff with no guilt as you’ll be safe in the knowledge you did speak to midwives, lactation consultants, you tube etc, try nipple shields etc
Just switching now imo you might regret it.

runningscare · 30/09/2018 10:13

Don't give up just yet ... ask your midwife or your community team for a referral to the breastfeeding consultant at the hospital ... it could be something as simple as the baby isn't attaching correctly. I went to see the breastfeeding consultant and just overnight boom ... Everything has fallen into place.

Good luck x

IdentifyasTired · 30/09/2018 10:22

Oh God, I've been there. 3 days is so very early. The first few weeks it is normal for it to be painful. However, I know that is little consolation. Talk to your HV, GP, midwife or anyone you trust. Get checked for latch, tongue tie and positioning. Also for thrush. You can do this. You ARE doing this. It might be that you just need more time for your body to adjust. You're doing something you've never done before. It takes time and patience.

That said, fed is best! If you decide to ff, there is no shame in that. You don't deserve to feel guilty. Take each day as it comes for now. And remember that every breastfeed you do is a step closer to your goal of an established, happy breastfeeding relationship. Good luck and be kind to yourself. Cake

lovemylot1 · 30/09/2018 10:26

Hi op, well done so far, I’m on day 12 with my third baby. Day 3 was totally miserable, painful, hard slog. I took ibuprofen and paracetamol on a schedule, aired my boobs for as much time as possible to heal cracks and used Lansinoh. Baby got better at latch, as she got more practice and a bit bigger.

I’d say pain from nipples really got better using that strategy and have been totally pain free and not using the cream or painkillers now since about day 8.
I would say that it’s really important to keep on feeding on demand, ie when it’s really painful it can be difficult to motivate to feed often which will just lead to more misery with engorgement or mastitis etc
I am experienced at bf and was a bf counsellor though so also knew how to sort out good latch so it was just a case of healing the nipple damage from first few days. So you may want to find a breastfeeding group to go to for some real life support.

All the best! It’s really a breeze here on day 12 but day 3 was seriously hard so I totally empathise!

Gottagetmoving · 30/09/2018 10:30

www.mirror.co.uk/tv/tv-news/jessica-cunningham-new-mothers-praised-13232091

Jessica Cunnigham gives good advice. There isn't enough support for new mums now that they don't stay in hospital for as long after a birth than they used to.

HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 30/09/2018 10:32

I found the first week or two really hard. For me it was worth it in the end. I absolutely loved breastfeeding and so did my baby. I had good support from a midwife who came to visit daily (until I felt I no longer needed her) as I was abroad. I found the babies both just got better on their own but it was just reassuring to have someone watching and telling me it was going well.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/09/2018 10:45

In your situation I would persevere a bit longer. It is hellish to start and magic if you can crack it.

LaurieMarlow · 30/09/2018 10:48

Bf is so hard at the start, but so worth perservering with.

Lansinoh, multi-mam compresses, paracetamol, nipple shields if you need them will all help through the first few weeks.

By 4-6 weeks it's a breeze and such a lovely experience for both of you. That oxytocin rush is amazing.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 30/09/2018 11:05

You really need some breastfeeding support. Not from the Internet or from midwives but from a proper lactation consultant. Are there any breastfeeding groups in your area you could go to? In my area they are called breastfeeding cafés, there is a different one on every day and they saved me twice. They really really helped with positioning (Google the flipple - instantly took the pain away for me) and also diagnosed tongue tie which was causing a lot of the pain for us, and helped me find someone to get it cut really quickly. I'd go and see someone urgently before you make any final decision. I feel for you it really is miserable when you dread every feed. We got past that stage with help but it was a lot of effort so not for everyone. But it might be a quick fix with help with position etc - you won't know unless you see an expert.

MereDintofPandiculation · 30/09/2018 11:49

Assuming you're in the UK we have access to good quality formula and the ability to sterilise. Don't keep struggling on your own, try to get help. If it comes to the stage when it's interfering with your bonding (eg you're dreading the baby waking up), then switch to formula.

ApplestheHare · 30/09/2018 11:57

funinthesun18 YANBU to stop bf at all.

I could have written your message a few years back and loads of people gave (very good) advice about how to carry on, so I felt pressured to do so. I wish I'd stopped bf so much sooner. My MH and bond with dd, plus dd's reflux, all improved after we switched to formula.

The key is doing what's right for YOU. Good luck whatever you choose Flowers