To ask for your advice

[DorritoPaws]

Hi all,

Long time lurker, first time poster here. I'm posting on AIBU for traffic but please feel free to redirect me if there's a more suitable home for this thread!

I'm really looking for your advice and wisdom please. I'm not too sure how much info to put here - don't want a behemoth but also don't want to drip feed so please bear with me 😊

I'm currently 31, partner 33 and my body clock has started to tick!

My partner has always wanted children but I was very much on the fence in the past. I've always put finances or my career first but it's getting harder to ignore the emotional urge to start a family.

I've worked really hard at building my career over the past few years and am finally in a place where I'm happy (for the most part!). However I work absolutely ridiculous hours in a very male dominated industry and I just can't see how having a child would work with my current set up.

I would like to keep my career going after having a baby but with my current position it would mean a 10 hour childminder, which we can't afford! I'm pretty much alone in my organisation in terms of my role and structure so there's no chance others could pick up the workload or that I could even reduce my hours.

I feel that I need to make a decision between family and a career and I'm really struggling with it!

Am I being stupid? I do tend to overthink things! How have those of you with stressful jobs (but lowish pay) managed?

I'm really hoping for some sage advice here as I don't anyone I can turn to IRL.

Thanks for reading!

Stressful job is the first thing you need to get rid of. Raising a kid is stressful enough, and if you work through with those 10 hour days you'll never meet the child.

Is your field something you can get another, less shit job in at another company?

Is your career only low paid for the time being or will it always be low paid with long hours?
Personally i would say have a family, you may find you don’t have the same urge to stay in the same field/ company after having a baby.

Start a family. You’ll only regret it if you don’t. Your job will work out... where there’s a will there’s a way

That's what I've been thinking, I'm quite a risk adverse person so been scared to take the leap of I'm honest.

Yeap skills are transferrable but I'm a little worried about starting in a new company and then going on maternity leave within a year or so. Workers aren't as protected as they should be here in the first couple years or employment.

Did you find your career was affected? I'm really not in it for the money so not too bothered about that, although some savings would be nice! It's more about the satisfaction and ridiculous sense of self worth and 'this is who I am'

You're entitled to 52 weeks maternity leave which can be shared with your partner. Your employer will have to find someone to cover for you when you're on maternity leave. Presumably they value your skills. Would it be possible to work part-time when you return until the funded hours kick in at 2 or 3 depending on your income? Can you talk to your employer?

Thanks ladies. That's what I wanted to hear.

Tbh I could probably push for a further 10k on salary but that would bring me to higher management and even longer hours and God middle management is a killer! I'm by no means crying pauper, we could just about afford bills on DPs salary but there wouldn't be much left after, just if we would really struggle to pay full-time plus extra I'm childcare. When I say I prioritised finance, I mean we have a mortgage and a car we own (not much else!) but I consider that doing well with property nowadays!

It slowed my career progress down. DD is 2 now and I start a new full-time job next month having been part-time in my old role since she was born. We're lucky in that my partner is able to work compressed hours and does one day's childcare. GMs have been looking after her the 2 days that I currently work. We're now looking at childminders and nurseries.

You’ve mentioned your hours but not your partner’s. Would he be able to be a SAHP or go PT? Are your jobs the type that you could work different hours to each other to mean less need for childcare and not paying out so much?

Moredoll, that seems reasonable enough if it's just slowed rather than halted? You probably hear it all the time but your DD is so lucky to have her GPs take care of her.

Unfortunately we both live quite away from our parents so they couldn't help out and they're getting on a bit anyway so I wouldn't ask!

I couldn't cut my hours down, I work within the financial sector of sorts and the expectation to be chained to the desk is high. I got tutted at for having the audacity to leave at 7pm on Friday, even though I'm into contracted til 6. It's just one of those jobs, quite sexist and old fashioned to boot. I do enjoy it but my god, the hours and pressure are intense!

@blueparsley great suggestion, I just asked him there and it's been known to cut down to a 4 day week in his place so that's a good start! We're both 9-5 type jobs so no chance of shift work.

By the sounds of it, the most sensible thing for me to do would be to look for another job and wait a couple more years until it's secure and then start TTC, that will feel like a LONG two years!

If I was in your situation I would just go for it, you both want children, you aren’t particularly young, you are stable and committed, you have a property (and room for a child?).

Your job may not be the ideal situation but they are required by law to provide maternity leave. They are required to keep your job for you. They do not have to take you back at reduced hours but most places would consider such an arrangement unless they are happy to let someone with years of experience walk away.

You will always find a childcare arrangement that works for you. It’s difficult to imagine that now before baby is here, when baby is not your absolute priority. I had a baby at what seems to others a crazy time (left banking career to study nursing then fell pregnant 1 year into degree) but actually now looking back it was the best time as it would have been worse for me to be on maternity leave right after graduating as couldn’t get first grad job with my intake. The way I see it if you wait for the perfect time to have a baby it won’t happen, they disrupt everything! But to me they are so worth it.

You're 31! That is so young in any career.

What industry are you in? Say for example if its Financial Services, Tech, Management Consultancy etc. then all of the big companies will have the resources to manage employees going on mat leave.

Do you work for a small company and is that where your anxiety is coming from?

It sounds like you are on a good career path and if so can change to get into a company that supports women who go on maternity leave.

Is that an option for you?

Yes, we're really lucky to have parents who are willing and able to help and DD loves them.
It has just slowed things down rather than halted. I also did a course one evening a week from January to June in a related field which probably helped land me the new job. I'm looking forward to the new job. However if I'm honest I'd have preferred to stay part-time for another year to be with DD until she was in nursery. But I was asked to apply for the full-time role and I feel that it's an opportunity I can't pass up.

When does the new job start?

You know you legally have a right to request to do this job part time (I work in HR)

What would be your ideal hours?

Start a family in your current job - you’ve already got employment rights and job security there. You can then decide if you want to go back after mat leave or find another job with better hours etc while you are off. The thing with moving jobs, waiting your time then ttc is that it may take a while or you may have difficulties conceiving and it’s better to know that kind of thing sooner rather than later.

Honestly I don’t think there’s ever a perfect time, but you sound in a fairly secure position so I’d go for it.

Your career doesn't mean a fucking thing. It's a job, that's all. It can never and will never replace the gift of having a family. Of having a family is something you want, don't waste another day.

I used to work ridiculous hours on a trading floor in the city. High stress, high pay. I couldn’t imagine doing anything else and the thought of stepping off the career progression was terrifying.

However, me and my dh kind of wanted kids.

The thing that changed our minds from kind of into definitely was something my dad said. He said the best thing he ever did in life was to marry my mum and have kids. That we brought him far more happiness and satisfaction than anything he did in his (very successful) business life. He said we wouldn’t regret having kids.

And he was right

You are of an age where you need to start thinking of your fertility. I had my first at 32 and had no problems but at 36 I'm 2.5 years down the line struggling to have my second and my egg reserve/quality is a factor in that. Obviously this doesn't impact everyone but it's something to consider if you are wanting a family

Flyaway 78

It's with a different company. I had applied for a part-time role which I didn't get, but they asked me to apply for this role. I asked about part-time but they said it would be difficult and tbh honest because of the nature of the job I can see that it would be. It's a step up for me so I am pleased to get it.