Student DC's room

[loverofcornwall]

How would you feel about someone in a position of trust visiting your adult DC's room at university?

Don't think of a hall room as like going into their bedroom at home, think of it as a little flat - it's their home.

So rephrase, a person in a position of trust visiting your adult DC at their home. If their home was a flat with a separate living room, would it feel wrong to you?

i know you don't want to be outed but this is where advice would be dangerous for others to give because we need context and more info on who the backstory behind this otherwise we could give out al kind of silly and possibly wrong advice.

We as far as I can see the OP hasn't said it's her daughter.

It sounds fine. Most students live in halls so their bedroom is like bedroom and living room in one.

@HollowTalk how do you know it's a daughter?

Sorry, I assumed the OP was talking about her daughter.

Adult DC = up to Adult DC to decide who visits/is allowed into their room.

Unless the 'Adult' DC is vunerable? But then again why would a vunerable adult be alone at university? OP there is something you aren't telling us. Drip feeding is not helpful and won't get you the answer you are looking for. Please be more specific.
'

Don't see the issue unless there is some drip feed that means that your DC is very vulnerable and unable to make their own decisions

As a PP said, a study bedroom is basically your living room as well as your bedroom. The same rules do not quite apply as to normal bedrooms.

I agree with snowflake, visiting a students room is like visiting their home/sitting room etc not like some one coming to you bedroom.

So, as long as there isn't anything else that is alarming you, it is a perfectly normal thing to do.

Having said that, if a male lecturer had a need to call on on a female student, I would expect that they would not be going in, sitting down, shutting door and having a coffee, as it is at the end of the day also their bedroom. I would expect them to demonstrate boundaries (eg knock at the door, hover while delivering message/checking all was OK, and asking them to come to the office/tutor room if more was needed.)

I’m a lecturer and would never engage with a student outside work unless it was a quick chat if I ran into them in the supermarket, they were a waiter/ess in a restaurant I was in, or similar. I have former students I meet up with socially, but wouldn’t even go to a class lunch or drinks until the very end of the course when they’re about to leave and graduate.

I think it would depend how your adult child feels. I think saying no to a visit and meeting in a pub or coffee shop if fine is that is what your child wants to do. Or having a trusted adult to visit is fine too.

I'd encourage your child to decide but if in doubt, I'd say meet elsewhere. A student digs is not really a show home.

it's someone the student has confided in and built a bit of a relationship with

Surely this bit is the problem, if you think this person is somehow not to be trusted? Simply being in a student room in halls isn't the part that would worry me.

What concerns do you have about this person's motives / integrity?

Agree with most people - we are all just speculating.
Would have been better to name change (if worried about outing) and then giving the situation.

We really, really can't help / advise / offer opinions when you are being so vague.

My daughter had a cleaners barge in every day with their hoovers which I thought was great as it got them up and meant they could check for dead bodies. My sons at the same university now 13 years later - the university does not go over your threshold which I think is a great pity.

There is nowhere near enough information here for meaningful advice.

Could be good could be bad but clearly you're worried OP.

HollowTalk
Most of the societies I was aware of during uni had outreach officers, welfare, presidents, vice presidents, socials officers. The reality was that people were friends with the people who held those voluntary roles. Sure they were student ran orangisations, but they were volunteers who filled those roles. Many of the 3rd year and masters students started off in the clubs/societies in 1st year, went up through and then stood for positions in 3rd or 4th year. It would be a bit weird to say 'it's fine for you to be friends with 1st years when you're in 3rd year, but now you're in 4th year and have taken a voluntary position you can't be friends with the 2nd years'.

If you were worried then you could argue that the president of the ultimate frisbee team is a position of trust, or the welfare officer for the cheer troupe, but that's often different from a paid coach.

That's my point without information it's I possible to say whether the situation the OP describes is reasonable or not.

So, your DC had a friend over?

I'd have found it weird if my parents had tried to get involved in who came to my room when I was at uni...

It's very difficult to give any kind of opinion without knowing even vaguely who this person is. I was certainly visited by sabbatical officers (generally graduates but probably aged 21/22) in my first year. A member of staff would be a bit more unusual

On the basis of the information you’ve provided I wouldn’t be concerned, but if you have reason to think that your daughter is vulnerable or the adult likely to take advantage, I could see why you would be worried.

Not really anything to do with you unless they have SN or are vulnerable in some way. Stop being so over invested in their life.

It seems unusual if the visitor has an official teaching or support capacity unless it was a welfare visit. A fellow student mentor would be acceptable. Ds only had Accommodations checks and maintenance visiting while he was resident although another student had security, ambulance etc involved when he was deemed at risk of mh issues. Hard to comment on your dc without knowing more regarding the situation.

I think it is very much up to her. My room at uni was a very sociable space and I had all sorts of people round all the time...

When my eldest was going off to uni and I suggested he took more than one mug, he was horrified at the suggstion that his room would be anything oer than his private sanctuary, as is his room at home. I am not aware that he has ever invited anyone into his uni room over three years. (He has always had access to large kitchens with dining tables/space to be sociable.)

I have some issues with boundaries and trust so I just wanted to see what the general consensus was.

But without knowing who it is, how can anyone usefully comment?