To feel like I'm starting to dislike my child

[namechangeeofshame]

My eldest is 5. Dad was extremely abusive physically and mentally. It was difficult both to leave and to prove this but we split when he was born.
I also have a 2 year old who lives with me and dp who is an absolute delight (for context).

Ds used to be the same. An absolute delight. He was just golden. Such a lovely personality. Until he turned 3 and despite me being able to prove when he was younger only one occasion of domestic violence, because dads solicitor said sorry on his behalf he has never had to face up to anything, so he started overnight contact at 3 and things have gone downhill since then.

I've lost any faith in the system. On two occasions there were ss investigations after ds made disclosures he had witnessed severe domestic violence at his dads. Both cases were dropped with no concerns despite his long term gf he lived with disappearing off the face of the planet the second time. I try my best to coparent. He has eow. I do everything, pay for everything, discipline and he has no input. I have tried everything to stabilise things and nothing works. I tell him when things are working well and when ds is behaving badly. He says ok and smiles (like the narcissistic little prick he is) but no help from him on any level.
Ds likes going there now because there are no rules or consequences and ex isn't willing to put any there, he won't discuss it with anybody, Ds behaviour returning from his house is getting worse and worse and worse.
I raised a boy that was chatty, intelligent, polite and calm. Yes he was only 3 and that makes me sound like a twat but he was. He was adorable, a joy. Had the odd time out for not listening to me when asked to do something over and over again occasionally but no behaviour issues and he was so kind.
Since overnights he hits he kicks, bites, pulls hair, extreme anger and shouting over tiny things he doesn't like. Of course he isn't like this at dads house and fully admits it is because dad would hit him back (he's never been smacked here) but I'm running out of strength and ideas dealing with it all. Nothing works with him.
I do everything for him and he treats me like shit, it goes on and on for hours and it's every single day he's with us over tiny little things. I work full time and I'm upset and exhausted. I feel like it will never get better because dad is happy for him to go there on the weekends and sit in front of an Xbox for hours on end never saying no to him and for him to come back and hate me for having expectations of him.
I love him dearly but I'm starting to really dislike him. I don't know what to try. Nothing works with dad and despite having witnessed dad do the same things, the more I tell him off for hitting me kicking me and pulling my hair, the more he thinks the sun shines out of dads backside.
Any words, literally ANY will be better than nothing as right now everyday is just miserable and I can't understand why. I'm a good mum wanting to coparent although I have to accept I'll probably never have that with a narc, My daughters doing great. I don't want him to turn out like his dad but I feel like I can't stop it

I normally leave these threads as I dont' know what to say. But I will say you sound like a great mum and it looks like he's acting out with you as you are the closest to him.
Have you thought of seeing a child psychologist - with your son and without him for parenting advice?

Have you spoken to school?

Have they noticed his behaviour change the week following access?

Worth a chat

childpsychotherapy.org.uk

We used this website to find a lovely lady for DS to chat to when he was feeling upset about things, and she also saw me on my own

I would stop him going to his dad's. If there is going to be contact it would have to be supervised contact at a contact centre.
What he is experiencing isome abuse.

Wow that sounds really really tough. I'm sorry that I don't have any advice at all but you are not at all unreasonable in finding the situation very difficult.🌻

I do know what you mean, OP. I embarrassed myself and cried on the school run yesterday after it all came to a head with my oldest. She's so much calmer when she hasn't been to his house. When she has, she speaks to me like something on the bottom of her shoe.

In a way, the fact that I was upset at the school in front of her mates and their mums had an impact, because her behaviour wasn't secret anymore.

If he’s 5 and you have a 2 year old as well, could part of the problem also be the big change that happened in his primary residency too? Just as he has to start spending more time away from you overnights with an abusive father, he also became a big brother to a little sister that does not have to leave you ever. I don’t mean to suggest that is the main issue but I would also consider whether that might be affecting his behaviour too as lots of kids would struggle with that. Do he get much one on one time with just you to do fun things? How are you reacting when he acts out? Would a more therapeutic parenting approach work for him? He is a child who has lived through DV and that will have an effect on him that you will need to help him address. Would finding some play therapy or similar be helpful for you both?

If he is witnessing violent with his dad then this is obviously having a severe impact on his behaviour. It sounds as though he is modelling his dad which is common when young children are brought up with violent parents. His Anger and extreme reactions is because at 5 children can't regulate their emotions properly so his temper is resulting in explosive acts of aggression that he has modelled from his father.
I would speak to SS about having him see his dad in a contact centre to ensure it is positive interactions. Ds is only a vulnerable child expressing the anger and insecurity witnessing his abusive father has caused the only way he knows how, through violence. There's still plenty if time to help him learn healthy coping mechanisms to deal with his emotions and to safeguard him from seeing anymore violence and protect him from negative influences. Contact SS and speak to them. Try to be calm and encourage your DS to express his feelings, implement ways for him to safely vent his anger I.e throwing water balloons at an outside wall x

Does your other child have a different dad? I think you 're letting your dislike of his father show through.

Following

Do you have a court order for access?

For those saying contact centre or supervised contact I know that's not an option.
We've been to court so many times. Without absolute proof (which my ds felling two teachers and two social workers apparently is not) we get nowhere.
We've been to court earlier this year. It gets us nowhere. Contact is stopped for three weeks, dad gets angry, things get worse, nothing changes.
It's an absolute detriment to the children involved.
Yes my other child has a different dad. I'd like to think I'm not letting my feelings for the dad show through (I put it all in the post so as not to drip feed and for situational context) but it is hard not to get emotional when I'm being bitten and hit and kicked by a boy who was absolutely delightful and nothing but loving before.
I know ultimately I have to deal with this and I don't know how. A child psychologist sounds sensible. His teacher is supportive.

I am very aware I can not control what dad does or does not do in this situation but I can control my actions. I just don't know what to do to help

I think all you can do at the moment is get him someone to talk to, maybe a play therapist at his age. Just to help with the negativity that comes from him having to visit his father. It's a shame his disclosures weren't taken seriously by the court though and I can see stopping contact would be risky for you if the courts won't support you.

Children go through phases. Hes had massive changes in his life, new dad figure new sibling starting school. Not surprising he's showing upset sometimes. Try doing ticks every time he does comply straight away you may be surprised when looking for the positive. I'm sure there's a parenting programme you can do through schools too. If you enquire about that.

I too would go down the mental health route, getting help for your DS and you. It will give support to you both and also record any concerns so that should you end up in court you have a professional report to hand.

(Out of interest, if you ceased contact, would your Ex take you to court?)

Oh and maybe some parent/therapy support for you as well to support you dealing with the behaviour in the right way

The law is an absolute ass in this case. Document everything and I think, as pp suggested, a child psychologist might be helpful. If you can't afford it, look at children's charities that might help with counselling.

Any chance of moving far away?

Ok your child has suffered trauma prenatally and in his early years, and this trauma is ongoing. It is very likely he has some form of developmental trauma or attachment disorder. Please visit the therapeutic parents page on Facebook for support and consider joining the national association of therapeutic parents. This is where his violence is coming from. He needs a very particular type of parenting. It is so hard that he is being forced to see his abuser every other week, but you can help him heal and be stronger. The NATP also have a legal adviser who may be able to help you.

While your son might appear to like going to his dad's house , it will be confusing and distressing to have been witness to domestic violence between two people he is directed to trust. Children adapt to survive the world as they understand it and it may be that your son is copying modelled behaviour or is just so confused and overwhelmed that he just can't regulate himself. Sometimes it can help if you can work out of he is overwhelmed and beyond communicating or if it is behaviour designed to get something. If it is the former then he needs someone to help him to calm down, if it's the latter it's better to ride it out.
Can you approach ss with a view to doing a welfare assessment for your son? Such a dramatic change in behaviour should concern them. It sounds like you have identified the source of the problem and If your son is exposed to ongoing violence and confusion the situation will not improve. You sound like you are doing everything humanly possible to support your son but I am not surprised that you are exhausted by this. Everyone hates their kids at some point and you are dealing with a particularly difficult set of circumstances and you sound like a lovely mum. I hope things get better.

Just wanted to say thank you for all the kind words. @DaftWeeBun your post was particularly helpful.

All I want is to grow a nice human being, not a bully. I do think it doesn't help that he is an intelligent child, without the maturity to go with it. He argues and questions everything. I feel like I'm fucking his life up by not being able to consistently parent him in any way that is safe both mentally and physically.
I'm going to spend the evening looking into child psychology and looking at my own parenting and trying to figure out where I can minimise the chances of him behaving like this