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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How would this work in your relationship?

48 replies

MissCuriousCat · 29/09/2018 13:07

I am asking it just because I want to know how others support each other emotionally/financially in their relationship?

I have been with my partner for 4years. Living together for about 2. I moved in his house and when that happened we agreed on how much rent I am going to pay him. It's absolutely fine and I would have felt uncomfortable not paying anything at all. We have been sharing the costs of the food bills ... don't go down to every little penny but I think it's fairly balanced between the two of us.
I recently gave up on my old job and decided to change careers. He was very supportive emotionally we talked about it loads . I gave up on my job 3 months ago but hasn't managed to find a new one ... Firstly I was just looking in the industry I wanted to step a foot into but the past months I have been applying for every single job I come across. I don't know why I am not getting a job. Emotionally it's bloody hard but so is financially... I live on my savings and still pay rent buying the food as normal. And I am fine with it! I know my DP works hard and don't expect him to cover my ass just cause I made a decision. But! A friend of mine mentioned how relaxed I look and I must getting lazy etc because he is supporting me financially. I explained to her this is not the case and she turned it around saying it s not nice of him not supporting me especially based on the fact that he earns 65-75k... this made me think... should he support me a bit financially? How would this be like in your relationship?

OP posts:

Cookit · 29/09/2018 14:13

When my DP and I moved in together our income basically became household income. We paid for what we could depending on our finances that month, so whilst he was earning (significantly) less than me I paid for almost everything. Now he out earns me by a lot and he takes on a lot more than me.
Personally I wouldn’t want to live with someone I was in a relationship with as a tenant (or have a tenant). I know not everyone feels like that, but until we felt like money and resources could and should be shared we didn’t live together.

InertPotato · 29/09/2018 14:24

Ah, OP, I thought you were coming on here for an unvarnished account of how this might work in my relationship - I guess I misunderstood. My apologies.

EmperorTomatoRetchup · 29/09/2018 14:26

I don't think there's a 'perfect' financial arrangement, each had the potential to create perceived unfairness and resentment.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 29/09/2018 14:32

I think it depends on how much rent you pay him and how you split other costs. If you pay market rate rent and say every other meal when you go out then maybe he could do a bit more, as he is still gaining financially from you living with him (assuming the rent is more than half the bills).
It's a tricky one as because it's a short term thing and you're trying to get another job then it would be nice for him to help as much as he could. But if for any reason (not suggesting it would!) it became a long term thing then he probably wouldn't want to sub you forever staying at home.

To me a relationship is pooling resources sharing costs fairly (which isn't always equally) and helping each other out when things get hard.

If you are happy with it then I'd just keep going. If you would have done differently if the situations had been reversed then I'd have a word with him

Cookit · 29/09/2018 15:35

To me a relationship is pooling resources sharing costs fairly (which isn't always equally) and helping each other out when things get hard.

Yes me too. But then I suppose this also means you would discuss all big purchases or financial decisions too (e.g. I would not just leave my job unless my DP was in agreement. It would be a joint decision).

artio0 · 29/09/2018 16:27

I have paid rent for one of my exes for a few months when he was out of work after we both moved into a new city (we both wanted the move equally, I just found a job quicker). He did not ask for it but I offered because I could afford it on my salary then and did not want him to use up his savings, plus I already had savings on my own so wasn't in a rush to accumulate more.

Also, when I said to my current partner that I'm thinking of quitting my job for similar reasons you mentioned you quit yours he offered without me asking to cover rent and bills while I'm out of a job so I won't have to use up my savings and he wasn't on a high income himself at the time.

None of those instances had a time-limit on them as both times it was assumed that the receiving part isn't exploiting the other one.

I think personally, in a serious and long-term relationship I'd expect both sides to help each other out where possible, emotionally and financially, when the need for it arises.

But as I'm saying that's just me personally and I couldn't advise for or against anything from the little I know about you and your relationship.

MaisyPops · 29/09/2018 16:35

Personally, I wouldn't be paying towards a mortgage for a property i'm not on the deeds for.
I'd also be annoyed if DH jacked his job in without another to go to because he didn't like it and wanted to retrain.

As PP have said there's no perfect arrangment. The way I see it you're using your savings to pay his mortgage whilst you do whatever you need to in the name of retraining. You're in a financially precarious position as you could find yourself down the line without a home, without a job and no savings having put them all into his mortgage.

As long as you're aware of the risks though, that's your call.

SpottingTheZebras · 29/09/2018 16:43

I know exactly how a thread on MN from the other side would go. I can see it now... My girlfriend quit her job a few months ago and hasn’t got any other work lined up. She has savings, so can afford to pay her outgoings etc, but should I be covering all of her costs indefinitely instead?

happymummy12345 · 29/09/2018 16:51

I was a student when I met my dh. I now stay at home with our son. He works full time to support the family.
So he would not have an issue with that at all.

EmperorTomatoRetchup · 29/09/2018 17:11

Or sporting "my boyfriendmoved into my house 2 years ago, we agreed he'd make a contribution to our living costs. Then, seemingly out of the blue he quit his job and talked about retraining, I've been supportive, but there hasn't been any progress to this end, he has savings and hasn't looked for any temp work to tide him over, as this has tretched on, I've begun to get a sense that he's angling for me to let him off paying his share?

The phrase 'cock' and 'lodger' would feature in the first few posts.

MaisyPops · 29/09/2018 17:17

EmperorTomatoRetchup
You stole my post

Stompythedinosaur · 29/09/2018 17:17

How it would work in my relationship is everything would become family money/property.

I wouldn't want to live a significantly different lifestyle than my partner.

But it is up to you if you are both happy with the situation.

Original poster

MissCuriousCat · 29/09/2018 17:19

@EmperorTomatoRetchup and @SpottingTheZebras
What is your point? I am paying rent to my boyfriend and splitting other costs such as food etc. I made this clear and never mentioned anything to my boyfriend about financially supporting me as I'm a grown woman and can take responsibility for my decisions.

What is you your point? Why do you have to be mean and make up scenarios?! Also I mentioned in previous posts that although it was my decision we talked about me changing careers and he was encouraging me.

Honestly it's so upsetting. What the actual fuck is you twos points? ??!

OP posts:

FujiCorn · 29/09/2018 17:21

I feel for you OP but I just want to warn you, my OH has never worked throughout our whole relationship and literally contributed nothing for the past 2 years. And honestly, I fucking hate him and am working towards kicking him out. He owes me over 30k. I can’t even afford to buy socks and I earn a decent wage. It’s an awful way to live and may make you resent the other person. If it’s only for a few months then he should support you as you have contributed and will contribute again

SpottingTheZebras · 29/09/2018 17:29

@MissCuriousCat well aren’t you delightfully polite! My point, as you posted in AIBU so I’m allowed to have one, was that YANBU and your friend is because you are still paying you way. If you are always so rude and presumptive, I’m not surprised you don’t have a job.

summerdazeahoy · 29/09/2018 18:00

FujiCorn, I'm in a similar boat to you, which seems the opposite of the OP.

The resentment is toxic and I'm at the point where everything he buys for himself (e.g. computer games, music, fags and booze) feels like a slap in the face when the end of the month comes and, yet again, he's telling me he can't afford to pay anything into the joint account.

OP, good luck with the job search. I hope you find something soon and don't need to rely on your savings much longer.

EmperorTomatoRetchup · 29/09/2018 18:12

op that as you state in the penultimate line of the post that you'd begun to think that maybe he should support you financially. Given that you walked out of your job without any other job to go to three months ago, wholly off your own bat, haven't managed to find work of any kind in three months and are now pondering if it is your boyfriend 's role to sub you when you have money in the bank. My point is, that it seems rather off to walk out of a job without even a clear plan for an alternative and then expect someone else to pay for your decisions.

So yes, in my view you are BU.

TrippingTheVelvet · 29/09/2018 18:16

This wouldn't happen in our relationship. I would have blew with resentment by now if she packed in her job almost a year ago and was still sitting on her arse.

I say that as someone who's wife is a ft student after quitting her job. She also does any temp work she manages to fit in and we share everything equally.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 29/09/2018 18:18

You're not married, you don't have a child together, you live in his house. I think you paying him rent is absolutely fine and I wouldn't really expect him to sub you while your are voluntarily unemployed. That said if you are really struggling and he is well paid it might be nice if he picked up more of the slack but this sounds very much like a boyfriend not a husband / serious partner.

BertieBotts · 29/09/2018 18:27

Since you're not married and don't have DC together I think this is a perfectly reasonable set up. It's normal and fine IMO for you to live somewhat separate lives, with separate finances and to be responsible for yourselves and consider things "his" house, money etc. In my relationship it would look very different, but that's because we are married, have DC and see ourselves as more of a unit.

AhYeahOkayThen · 29/09/2018 18:31

Your "friend" is shit stirring. First she says you're getting lazy because he's supporting you, oh wait, he's not, then she says he's a dbag for not supporting you.

IGNORE HER.

HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 29/09/2018 19:36

It seems like you're happy leading two separate lives from within the same house and remaining independent. I would say if you're happy with that that's great. If you did choose to marry and have kids in the future it's often not possible to remain independent (certainly not during maternity leave and often not afterwards).

Personally I would never see my partner be living a lower standard of life than me. If he was unemployed I wouldn't expect him to pay rent in your situation. However that means that since we're both impacted by each other's financial decisions we each have a say in things like quitting a job etc. You may prefer not to support each other financially and to retain independence.

serbska · 29/09/2018 19:58

Why should a healthy adult be supported by another adult?

You gave up your job willingly.

Your finances aren’t combined. Your savings are your and his are his.

I mean, it would be nicer if he said don’t worry about the rent u TIL you have a new job, but he hasn’t. You could raise it with him?

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