Wedding and my DM

[MaMaMaMySharona]

My DP and I got engaged whilst on holiday just over 3 weeks ago. I excitedly rang my DM with the news as soon as I could, and she was so happy for me!

Since I got back and told her some very rough plans (where we’re planning on doing it, what kind of reception we want, what time of year) she has turned sour and is already making the process a nightmare.

I moved away from my home area a while ago and we’ve decided to marry near our new home instead. This is about 200 miles away from my mum and she is visibly annoyed that we’re not following the tradition of being married near where the bride is from. She has told my relatives that it’s to keep my DP’s family happy, as it will be nearer them, but this has nothing to do with it.

We’ve also picked Autumn, and she has made endless comments about how awful it will be to be married in the cold (like I’m doing it outside??) and how my bridesmaids will hate it (???)

She came up to visit me yesterday for the first time since I moved which we’ve been excited about for months, but she has yet to congratulate me and my partner and hasn’t even got us a card We went for dinner last night and she started trying to convince us to move the date again. I’m fed up with it now.

I don’t really know what to do about it - she’s so sensitive in general after having an awful 2 years and I understand that she’s probably been excited for me to get married since I was born, but it’s not HER wedding! We’re not doing anything particularly outrageous - just getting married in a church and then having a nice, homemade reception nearby. I just want her to be happy for me and to celebrate.

Has anyone else experienced a meddling DM? How do I make her back off??

You either have to tell her to back off or you have to give her a specific job (eg the cake) and let that become all consuming in every conversation with her.

I think you need to take into account that she has probably spent a long time imagining your wedding. It is different to what you are doing.

You have only been engaged three weeks. Give her a chance to gently come to terms with your plans.

Presumably we are talking a long time before the actual day.

One thing I would say is make and consolidate your plans before you share them. It's very easy to get carried away and make promises you cant keep that then end up offending people.

You say she's had an awful two years.

That's a long, long time to be worn down by crap. So no, she probably hasn't got the resilience to deal with things perfectly. And she's probably missing you as you mived so far.

I think this is the time for great kindness to her.

I don’t know if my parents got us an engagement card. I don’t remember who did. Let that go.

The rest of it, be firm. Say “mum, we’re happy with our choice of X, that’s not up for debate”. Try to engage her on things that you’re uncertain about/don’t care.

Do mothers still spend their daughters' lives imagining their weddings? I can't say it's something I spend any a lot of time thinking about for my dd.

Go and see her if you can - sit her down with a cup of tea - and very kindly say 'I know how difficult things have been for you and how you probably have your own ideas about our wedding, but you need to understand we will do it the way we want it and while we are happy to listen to ideas, the decision is ours. We would love you to be happy for us and be involved in any way you want, but we won't be giving in to pressure to do things your way.'

Card is unimportant, though. Don't make that into an issue.

If that was my mother I could just turn around and say "Mam stop being such a joy sponge, every plan I mention you have a negative reaction to, I would love to share this whole wedding thing with you but until you accept it's in x on y date and start looking at the positives then honestly I think we'll just stop talking about wedding plans at all"

And don't feed into the she's been thinking about this since you were born drama, I have two girls and honestly I really don't think any body thinks of theirs daughter's wedding until they are adults

Sounds like she's being ridiculous. Is she jealous of your inlaws?

She is probably envisioning you in your wedding gown on a cold, rainy autumn day and thinks any outdoor photos will be spoiled and the bridesmaids will be cold etc....she is probably thinking a summer wedding would be nicer with the warmer weather and nice sunny outdoor photos etc

If you and your partner have your heart set on autumn then of course it should be autumn...

Next time your mum tries to get you to change the date, change tact and ask her WHY?...maybe there is something about autumn that is significant to her that you don't know about

Has DM been agreeable until now? No previous issues where she has had a similar reaction?

My DM ruined every last bit of my engagement/wedding planning. Highlights include telling me that getting married was pointless and she was disappointed I wasn't going to hand make my dress she had been difficult before but the news of engagement took the crazy to the next level.

Because DM has had a shit year she might be sad and emotional about "losing" her baby girl (you!) and need some time to process it. By not getting married near your childhood home you have effectively shown that your new home is where you will stay. DM might have been hoping you would come back to live closer.

I don't know why she thinks she gets a say? I wasn't very happy with my daughter's wedding arrangements, but it wasn't about me so I kept my mouth shut and threw myself into helping making her day exactly what she wanted. I wish mine had had an autumn wedding, it would have saved us 1000's! I agree perhaps give her a job to focus on, maybe ask her to pick a design for the save the day cards?

It's Britain, you can't guarantee sunshine at any point of the year. We've still had snow in May in scotland, and that should be a good time of year to get married. Remind her its yours and your partners wedding, not hers.

Hi all,

Thanks for your replies! Yes, she has had an awful few years which includes the loss of my DF and I think she is struggling quite a bit with the idea that a lot of tradition will be lost because he won’t be there to give me away etc. I can absolutely understand why losing more control and tradition is upsetting for her.

I have just spent 2 hours chatting with her about various aspects and she has said she understands a bit more now, which is good. I think jealousy would have come into it as I know she’s sad I’m geographically closer to my PIL’s than her - although we don’t actually see them very often as they’re still nearly 2 hours away.

Your comments have helped me let things slide a bit more - I think the card thing just stood out to me as usually she gets a card for every occasion (we both do) so not receiving one for such a big event seemed odd. I’m going to let it go though, I’m sure it’s nothing intentional!

She has told my relatives that it’s to keep my DP’s family happy, as it will be nearer them, but this has nothing to do with it. Remember, she has her relatives to deal with. If they're all saying "Oh, I'd have thought she'd be married in your church....." she probably feels "it's to keep DPs family happy" is the easiest way to keep them quiet and avoid any more hinted-at criticism.

From a parent's point of view, all the big steps (university, job, marriage, children) that your children take are enormously important. they're about your children flying the nest and being fully independent adults, your job done. It's not just about being excited for your daughter, it's confirmation that you've raised an adult who is able to have a good relationship with another adult. So the fact you've decided to hold the wedding away from her has more emotional impact than, for example, missing a family party. You're right, it's your choice. And with the increase in the number of places where you can hold a wedding nowadays, it's normal to choose - in her day, it may still have been "church where you/your parents live; or registry office", so "rejecting" being married from her home may feel more significant to her than it does to you. Disappoint her - but be gentle with her when you do it.

Really glad you've been able to talk about it to her.