To fire our tutor?

[sawbucks]

Dd1 (10) has a tutor for math. She has been working with dd since she was 7 (2.5 years). The arrangement since day 1 was she tutors DD and we look after her DS before and after school with a little bit of pay (say £20/day minus 2 days for tutoring). The reputation of the tutor (we've discovered over the past couple of years) is that she is "drama". She and her DH aren't on speaking terms (NC) with their families (her-aunts, grandmother as her parents are deceased; him- parents and siblings). Neither of them seem to have many long term friends.

Anyway, over the past few months I have noticed that each interaction w. tutor (we're friends) has been a little bit gossipy. For example, she will talk about mutual friend and her DH and their marriage issues or friends DS and his issues. She will also try and put a wall between me and DD or me and DH. For example, she said DH told her "cleaning is a woman's job" - DH is a SAHD so a lot of her interactions are with him. He may have said this in jest but when she told me it was very "serious". Or she said "DD said she's scared of you because you yell at her". I know for sure DD isn't scared of me and I don't yell!

This week we went for dinner and she told me that she doesn't think X (school mum) likes DH and that she has run into SM at the nail salon and she had asked her how she feels about DH drinking when looking after her son. Now I will say DH will have a cider or two during play dates when tutors DS is here but definitely doesn't get drunk (I often get home around that time). SM and DH often have play dates and will have a cider if it's nice out (which is why it makes no sense that she supposedly asked this). Tutor said she defended DH and that most parents think he's an alcoholic and have asked her how she feels about him looking after her DS Considering DH hasn't been at school drunk I really have no clue what she's on about but that info bugged me.

Tonight DH told me that tutors DH told him (LAST summer) that she has a drinking problem and that she had tutored DD last summer DRUNK 😵 DH said she was swaying and stank of alcohol but he didn't say anything (don't get me started on that) and had talked to her DH the following day and that's when he found out she had a problem. She didn't come back the rest of the summer.

I am pissed off. Partly at DH for not telling me but hugely at tutor for having the audacity to come here drunk and then a year later try and convince me that my DH has a problem the whole school is apparently talking about. I want her out of our lives. I don't want us looking after her DS and I don't want her tutoring my DD. AIBU?

Erm yes I would stop having her as a tutor and get DD a proper, professional tutor who doesn't turn up drunk or spread rumours about your family.

Definitely end that arrangement.

Yes, she needs to go as a tutor. But you also need to make sure your DH isn't drinking alcohol whilst looking after children, and that your DD really isn't scared when you shout.
You don't need to make a drama of it, just explain that you don't need a tutor anymore, and won't be able to do the school run etc for her dc.

Erm, do you really have to ask? Even if its not exactly as you posted the trust is gone. Move on.

You went out for dinner with your daughter’s tutor? There is a mutual blurring of boundaries here - were you already friends? It should sounds like you were happy with more than a professional relationship.

When you talk about the reputation of the tutor and then just dicuss her personal life and not her professional methods and/or results it sounds like you are into gossip yourself.

You don’t employ her so you can’t fire her but by all means if you are unhappy then end the arrangement.

I don't want to make a drama out of it. The problem is that everything is a drama to her so I feel that regardless it will end in drama.
She got a new job over the summer and now gets home later so tutors much later. I plan to use this as the reason things aren't working out. I do want to get rid of her DS though as I want nothing more to do with her. How do I do that?!

Are you willing to sacrifice your DDs Maths scores for your peace of mind.

I would stop the tutoring but I would also talk to your DH about drinking alone (you said you often get home around that time) when he’s hosting play dates.

@cdtaylornats she has a learning disability in math. It's not about scores. It's about skill building. In absolutely willing to find someone else though.

@PotteringAlong He's not drinking alone. It's with the other SAHD (mostly) or school mum. I will say it's about a 3 times a year occurrence though and involves a max of 2 ciders. If tutor has an issue then I'm open to hearing. But don't tar him with the alcoholic brush and bring other people into it.

I actually wouldn’t worry about it. If she is an alcoholic this behaviour is related to that- there is nothing you can do to make it rational.

OP has already said her DH drinks alcohol whilst in charge of the children- what’s wrong with that? It was a cider in the garden on a hot day, no different to thousands of parents.

Are you going to get rid?

This is disgraceful behaviour. I was annoyed enough when DS tutor used our wi fi password and had Facebook alerts coming in on her iPad while showing DS stuff but your tutor is a disgrace. Drunk while tutoring and therefore in the care of your dd .

Just say you’re really pleased with DS’s progress, and the lateness of the sessions is making him a little tired so you’re ending the arrangement.

Easy.

If she gets home later to collect her ds, that's your excuse for ending the arrangement. It's too much everyday.

I’m a tutor. YADNBU. Get rid!

It is ALL sorts of unprofessional. Get onto TutorHunt and get your DD properly tutored without the mess. And you don't need to be babysitting the tutor's kid. We did that years ago. A friend was our child's tutor and we babysat her kids while she worked with our DS. He couldn't stand her! It was a ridiculous scenario. We ditched her and got an amazing tutor on Tutor Hunt for half the cost we'd been paying our 'friend' AND I didn't have her two kids to look after anymore. Looking back, I can't believe we even got involved in such a scenario. It was stressful... and we didn't even have to horrible gossipy alcoholic angle you've had to deal with. Sounds terrible, OP.
Whether she's an alcoholic or not, there's just too much mess in this situation to continue in a professional capacity.
And please, please don't take this as a judgement from me, but your DH should wait to drink his cider until any tutor or school parent is no longer around. It's sad but true. People judge and harshly. Your DH is not in the wrong. But if he can just hold off an that cider until after a tutor has left, it's better. People enjoy giving legs to utter nonsense and off it rides into the realm of gossip. It's not worth it. I've been that parent whose had one glass of wine in the presence of kids and was labelled an alcoholic (I drink one glass of beer or wine about every two months!). Who labelled me? The alcoholic parent. So... just be aware. Gossips are terrible. Gossips with a drinking problem? You're just begging for trouble. Get her out of your home. Tutor Hunt, OP. It's brilliant! I've been using that site for years. Good luck!

Of course you have to get rid of her. There will be drama, some people just are drama and she sounds like one of them. I know someone like that, and I somehow ended up in a situation where I was looking after her kid quite a lot. The mother brings chaos to everyone around her, and in the end I just cut it off abruptly, there was no opportunity to distance oneself etc. I’m still hearing things she says about me (all about how bad I am) from other sources. I just think a) anyone who will believe her/turn against me when they know me well already isn’t worth my friendship and b) I just say to them have a look at who is always in the middle of all the drama and always having a crisis, it’s not me, is it? And leave it at that.

TBH I would knock the whole arrangement on the head, not just the tutoring. Why do you want someone like that in your life?

With regard so what she says your DH said etc etc, you simply can’t believe anything she said. There may be truth in it but she will have put a negative and scandalous spin on it.