AIBU feeling crap about situation with in laws

[ILoveHumanity]

I’m stuck in feeling crap that I wish things didn’t turn out so crap with in laws - as when they were on their good behaviour things were smooth sailing and my relationship with DH was more straightforward.

However i don’t feel ready to move on.

Basically they have seriously disrespected me behind my back. I was extremely polite with them and kind and only found out later on that they took me for a ride and that I was being used to settle their internal disputes between each other, to stir trouble for each other. DH didn’t have the courage to put a stop to it because it was a very messy situation where they hurt him whenever he defended me. But we sort of agreed I keep my distance after we reached out for some form of external mediation when things affected our relationship.

I had breakdowns and panick attacks, life was hell... until I decided to keep my distance. I messaged in laws politely before I backed away about why I’m doing so and that I’m hurt and feel like they didn’t value my trust, and their backlash was pretty painful with them declaring they want nothing to do with unborn child and making it a point to exclude me in every family matter.

After the birth of my son, they seem to brush things under the carpet. There is a silent resentment between everyone but they constantly ask the obvious “why aren’t u calling us?” Pretending like nothing happened. Life around them is so awkward. I’m still very polite and let them hang around baby but I don’t put an effort as I used to and they know why but pretend to be oblivious as if it’s a shortcoming of mine.

Anyway I stuck to not putting effort... but I can tell they’re v disappointed. Our family isn’t cohesive. And sil , who was one of the main problem stirrers, seems to constantly want to engage with me in conversations about how she is learning things in life and becoming a better person..

However, I believe this is all because I now have a baby and so have an upper hand. I was vulnerable for a while, my family were going through rough times and they badly exploited that by expecting me to “earn my respect” to compensate for my parents divorce. They sneered at my background and put me down.

It took me a lot of hard work to create distance and build myself back up. Now I’m in a strong position.

I have pitty for them. I also have pitty for my husband who didn’t willingly stand up for me and I took matters in my own hands - after many warnings- and so he lost his chance at talking things out without it turning dramatic

I made the decision and called the shots and everyone had no choice but to go ahead because I’m the mother of their grandchild.

I’m still respectful , never was any different.. but I do not give in to any request of theirs. I go out of my way to be fair but not to be considerate.

I’m a natural people pleaser so this is hard . It lays heavy on my conscience. I often wonder whether there could’ve been another way.

It wasn’t a misunderstanding because healthy communication wasn’t possible at their end. Whenever I approached with a concern I was shot down with threatening jokes about me and my background.

I feel like I rescued my sanity, at the cost of my family and marriage.. I often find it difficult to absorb it all..

AIBU to believe there is no room for reconciliation with someone who only realises their faults when you have the upper hand? And when you are vulnerable they completely prey on you ?

When I say good behaviour .. to my face they were on good behaviour and I was obvious to what was happening behind my back.. that’s why it was smooth sailing..

Relationship with them seemed very unstable... sometimes extremely loving and sometimes animosity like they have nothing better in their life to focus on..

Personally I would be putting all my efforts into my dc and zero to folks who really don't give a fuck about anyone but themselves tbh.

You have a very strong sense of grievance against them and devoted a lot of words to saying that, yet you haven't said what they actually did. How were you "used to settle their internal disputes between each other, to stir trouble for each other"? What was actually said or done to make you say: "expecting me to “earn my respect” to compensate for my parents divorce. They sneered at my background and put me down." You seem very pleased that you have "the upper hand" and won't listen to any of their requests; how are you so sure that you are respectful to them and always have been?

The reason I'm asking these questions is that some people are just toxic, so you should keep a distance from them. Others make mistakes and you should forgive them. Without removing your filter to explain some facts of what happened or isn't possible to understand what actually went on, so it isn't possible to advise you on your situation. Also, from reading this you don't have a healthy view of what respect means in practice, what you describe as your behaviour doesn't align with any definition of respect. It may just be that you need to find a new word to describe how you want to behave towards them, or it may be that you haven't considered it.

What exactly did they do?

I don’t want to specify too much as I know my sil is a lurker of this site :S. But I guess what I’m looking for is someone who has went through a similar thing to listen between the lines and share their experience of how they overcome things.

But what I can reassure you is, the situation had almost led to divorce and after getting a friend of in laws as mediation and my husband was still under the impression that I should be the one to back down as his parents are older and wiser, the mediator managed to convince me and my husband to back the hell away from the toxicity. And to keep contact to a minimal.

I’m happy to reconsider my definition of what respecting them involves. That might help move things into a clearer perspective.

To me respecting them means :

• let them have private chats with husband and private relationship without me sticking my nose in

• never ever spoke to them rudely

• I never spoke of them rudely either in fact I spoke highly of them until I realised I was being smeared and so only informed my family and husband about them and their flaws.. but never in a personal way like they do to me ( my ethnicity, ancestry, my perfectly average bmi body’s potential to become obese, my parents....)... as well as their rude actions and threats.

• I encourage DH to call them but I never call them privately and only speak to them when it’s a family conversation with me and DH.. t

• the only rude thing I do is ignore their whatsapp forwards.. because they have in fact blocked me before and only unblocked me after baby arrived and so am not interested to engage

• I invite them over whenever they like

• I booked a ticket and saved up money to go on holiday with them

• never frown in their face or ever say anything passive aggressive even though I hear them digging into me and saying rude stuff in my face . They know I won’t answer back

• I send them photos of their grandson even though they pretend they don’t care

• another rude thing I do is not congratulate my sil on her achievements as she had been rather mean when my son was born and she doesn’t mention anything to me .., in fact she was the one who replied to my message about being hurt by saying how I should suck it up because I’m n inconvenience in their life

• I put their needs ahead of mine for far too long until I realised their requests are never ending and they were waiting for someone to say NO.. such as expecting me to Foster one of their relatives for 5 years without asking me first... in my home ..

I just don’t put effort... keep my distance . It’s the only way to keep autonomy.. avoid aggression..

My husband doesn’t like what they do but is a yes man. So I can’t rely on him.. and he doesn’t like seeing his mum upset and he has a specific condition which makes it hard for him to read people’s manipulation

Mil idea of respect is that I call her every few days fill her on our life details . I never call anymore.. except when DH is with me. But I do remind him. Because filling her in on things is exactly what gave her ammunition against me ..

My in laws will never be happy unless I go back to behaving like I owe them my life. They genuinely think they saved me and I should be grateful they accepted me into a family and as such should accept anything coming my way “whoever doesn’t accept people at their worst doesn’t deserve them at their best”. Something I subscribed to until I realised they were expecting me to tolerate abuse and bullying so that they can throw bones at me and say to my husband “well as long as you treat her better than her own parents did “. . That’s their definition of reconciliation.

ANyway this isn’t a vent.

This is about me growing as a person. I want to stop feeling the need to make them happy. And stop feeling crap about how they dislike me for not complying.

you have the full right to concentrate on people you love and who reciprocate the love.
Fuck the in laws. They are past. Keep civil but nothing beyond that.

From reading all that, I think your idea of respect is actually still enabling them. I would do alot more backing off. If they want photos - let your DH send them when he thinks about it. let him call when he thinks to do so, dont answer their calls if he is not there to do so just let the voicemail get it etc. I wouldnt be going on holiday with them either.

Sounds like you need to step back a lot more and stop letting this lot call the show. They are not going to change their feelings about you - you can only change how you feel about them.

Yes I do think I’ve been trying and I think I need some inspiration to back off without being scared of more smearing

I think your idea of respect is actually still enabling them

^^i agree.

I invite them over whenever they like
Stop giving them this power/control. It's your dh's job/place to invite AND host them.

I booked a ticket and saved up money to go on holiday with them
Never again....unless for some reason it absolutely cannot be avoided, and even then not unless you arrange to do your own thing and spend as little time as possible with them

never frown in their face or ever say anything passive aggressive even though I hear them digging into me and saying rude stuff in my face . They know I won’t answer back
Assert your boundaries and refuse to tolerate this, either by verbally standing up for yourself irrespective of the fallout or physically removing yourself from their presence.

I send them photos of their grandson even though they pretend they don’t care
Stop giving them ammunition and facilitating a relationship with your dc - that's your dh's job.

I never call anymore.. except when DH is with me. But I do remind him
Stop giving them this attention....and again - it's your dh's job to facilitate his own relationship/contact with his family. It's not your responsibility.

You keep saying that they are rude about and to you; on that matter it would be better for you to be clear with them on each occasion what you find rude e.g. "your text just called me an inconvenience; that is extremely rude". You can do it with a smile, but don't ignore it. The more specific examples they get the better. If it's a quiet dig in a family setting, loudly ask them to repeat what they said.

It is also healthier to deal with them in your mind and in person as individuals; MIL isn't responsible for SIL and vice versa. Who wanted you to foster someone for 5 years? It sounds like you're suggesting you are from a different country to your in-laws, is that right? Do you live in "their" country?

It doesn't sound like your DH wants to back away from his family. Why do the two of you have a difference of opinion there? Does he actually back you up, does he think it doesn't matter or does he think you're exaggerating?