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AIBU?

To ask how to handle this with DD's dad?

12 replies

ProbablyDramatic · 28/09/2018 11:10

Prepared to hear IABU, but i think my ex is bejng ridiculous. He's a good dad, has DD every other weekend. Pays a token amount of maintenance (way under what CMS would take) and I pay for clothes, clubs, trips etc). When it's his weekend with her, he's very reluctant to take her to any of her hobbies or clubs as he doesn't want to lose time with her. I've to pay for these in any case, so a lot of wasted money by me. I've told him she has a sports comp on one weekend in Nov - it's his weekend to have DD and he's on about swopping weekends as he doesn't want to lose time with her. AIBU to think he's being ridiculous and that parents should encourage their kids with their hobbies and chosen sports??

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Havaina · 28/09/2018 11:13

YANBU but not sure you can force him to take her.

Why does he pay token maintenance?

Make him pay what he should pay according to CMS.

At the moment you're losing maintenance money and money you've shelled out for dd's activities on his weekends which is madness.

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CripsSandwiches · 28/09/2018 11:15

I think he should certainly be taking DD to regular commitments on the Weekend. Part of being a parent isn't just having fun with your kids but carting them around, waiting for them to finish XY and Z, grabbing a quick snack and then going on to the next thing.

In terms of the weekend camp am I right in thinking he isn't discouraging her from going but wants more time with her to compensate? I can somewhat sympathise with that. Could he have her Friday and Monday too? If not could he take her one day of the previous/next weekend (on the understanding she goes to her sport commitments)?

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CripsSandwiches · 28/09/2018 11:16

It's not entirely relevant but why doesn't he pay the proper amount of maintenance? The CMS amount isn't loads and should be the minimum he pays. Is he just a fun time dad that cab't be bothered with any of the boring stuff (like actually providing essentials for your child)?

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Rednaxela · 28/09/2018 11:19

YABU not to pursue for full maintenance.

Instead of a swap, he can do an extra weekend in addition to the comp weekend.

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IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 28/09/2018 11:27

Yanbu. Agree that you need to get proper child support as well.
Being a parent is about more than cherry picking the nice bits (like spending time with his child). It's also about meeting his child's financial needs and giving up what he might prefer to do in 'his' time, to support hid child's development - so taking her to her sports clubs and hobbies.

I guess you can't make him, but you could waste less of your money if you got proper cs and used it to pay her hobby fees.

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IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 28/09/2018 11:32

CM aside, I do have some sympathy with him in not wanting to lose the whole weekend though, given he only has her eow. I think I would offer to split the next weekend or something, so he did get to see her.

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ProbablyDramatic · 28/09/2018 11:44

It's not even a camp, it's a competition for a few hours in the sports club within walking distance from her dad's house, swopping weekends for this seems like madness! Trying to message back nicely through gritted teeth!

I'm a bit of a peacekeeper, when we split I was a higher earner and didn't really need the extra money. He's living with his girlfriend now though whilst I'm paying a mortgage on my own so may have to revisit that, he's forcing my hand being so ridiculous about clubs!

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ProbablyDramatic · 28/09/2018 11:45

Sorry I said comp, not camp. I've always said whenever he wants to see he through the week he's free to have her. He's never taken up this offer.

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Shoite · 28/09/2018 11:50

My ex is like this. Doesn’t like it if ds is invited to birthday parties on “his day”, won’t take him to sports stuff even if it’s one off.

Doing stuff like this is part and parcel of being a parent ffs. Unfortunately my ex dips in and out of parenting as and when he chooses and is now reaping his rewards- ds reluctant to spend any time at all with him.

My ex thinks the world revolves around him and everyone around him should slot in exactly where he tells them. Even his own child

For what it’s worth I’ve grown some balls and told ds dad exactly what I’ve written above- I’m not allowing ds to miss out on normal childhood stuff because his dad might turn up to take him to Toby carvery for dinner(his usual routine).

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Havaina · 28/09/2018 11:52

That CM money is for your DD, claim it! Save it for DD if you don't need it day to day.

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CrispbuttyNo1 · 28/09/2018 11:52

Tell him again then that he needs to start seeing her in the week for one night. EOW is hardly anything and the older she gets, the busier her social life will be.

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IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 28/09/2018 12:20

Sorry, misunderstood length of time. If it's only a few hours then yes he is definitely being stupid.
In all honesty, it doesn't matter that you don't really need his money to support uour dd - it's about her knowing that her dad is responsible for her too, that he is a parent, not a bit player in her life. And he needs to get the message that supporting his child isn't optional - it isn't something he can just do if he's got spare cash. Paying for his child should be his first priority.

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