Unsupportive DH on BF. AIBU to suggest doing your research or shut up?

[longlivethechip]

I have just had a little cry to myself.

Talking about me attending a wedding in Ireland, that DH can't book flights for with us because he can't get the time away from work.

I'm BF my 10 month old. He says well why don't you leave DS here and I'll look after him Yeah, not going to happen. Even if he wasn't BF, how am I suppose to leave him if you're working?

Anyway, I said but he's breastfeeding. He says well that's no excuse, he doesn't need breastmilk anymore.

I said yes he does. He said really? Why then I said for all the nutritional benefits. For the closeness. Etc etc. He says "Well really? How comes all the other babies that aren't breastfed are fine? How comes they're okay then?" I said I don't know at this point all valid arguments for BF have gone out of my head, my words are a mush and I'm just getting upset.

He carries on to say he doesn't need breastmilk anymore. I said yes he does, he would need formula until he's 1 if not breastfed. After that he needs milk up to age 2, I think is recommended. He persists to tell me well that's great then, he can have soya milk when he's 1 (DS has a cow's milk allergy)

AIBU to say do your fucking research before upsetting your wife?

I wouldn't mind, but he's like a shot to pass him over if DS is upset he's instantly calmed by breast-feeding. I often hear "Oh just pop him on the boob" of DS is whinging. DH is happy enough for him to be breastfed then. Yet he wants to start this shitty argument and go on to say he doesn't need it, and keeps on saying it. But ironically, never says so when DS is being difficult and boob calms him down.

Do you know what's worse? He's a preachy vegetarian that avoids dairy and is rude enough to remind family they're killing themselves slowly. Doesn't strictly follow a vegan diet but is preachy it's the best diet and shouts down any argument to say otherwise.

Yet ironically won't look into the benefits of fucking breastmilk, which ironically again, proper vegans bloody promote and suggest

Sorry, but I had to rant. I'm fucking fed up.

It’s a week, not a weekend. And nobody is saying the world will stop, but op doesn’t want to stop. Dh should be a lot more supportive of that.

MrsS I didn't say formula is worse, that's not a great way of putting it. But formula is nutritionally inferior. Amazing stuff, but it doesn't compare nutritionally to breast milk, sorry.

I think it's great though and if I struggled to BF DS, I would've definitely gone for it! A mother's sanity is worth more, in my opinion, than the addition benefits breastmilk brings

To be fair it sounds like your DH just wanted to start an argument. Is he really angry that you are going to the wedding without him?

Do you think he feels left out?

At the end of the day he's offering to take care of his son alone while you have a break. Maybe he would like to spend some time alone with him to bond with him. He's not getting the breastfeeding thing but I think try to go back to the original sentiment which is genuine.

Can you express and freeze the milk or is that totally unrealistic? Even if you only went for a couple of days?

But he isn't offering to look after the baby if he can't go because he's working. What is his plan OP?

Actually, you sound both inflexible and rather morally superior on the BF issue. (It's ironic that you moan about your DH being a 'preachy vegetarian' when your posts are doing much the same for BF.) Your DH is being insensitive to try to make you stop BFing when you don't want to, but he's not wrong that your baby would be fine if you had to stop for medical reasons. Formula-fed babies do fine. It's a pretty bloody good other option to have.

A week for a wedding that's as close as Ireland seems a bit much, and I wouldn't want to take that much annual leave even if I could. Can you go for less time, and then your DH can go with you? Or go alone for the longer period and bring your baby?

Aside from the bf part can people stop saying oh formula isn't the end of the world, without reading the OP.

The baby has a cows milk allergy it's really not as simple as just give him formula.
You can't just nip to boots and buy hydrolysed formula. There is a soya based but I don't think it's recommended and may cause more problems just switching like that.

You would have to trial different kinds of prescribed formulas to find the right one but I think this is just one of a few issues in this scenario.

Well done for breastfeeding, and yes your husband is being unsupportive.

When I had my daughter (she’s 3 months old) I struggled with BF to start with and DH kept saying to put her on formula. He couldn’t understand why I wanted to persevere. It was quite upsetting. Luckily he understands now, I would have a chat with your husband and explain why it’s important to you. Hopefully he will apologise!

So he wants you to stop breastfeeding but also wants you to breastfeed so that he doesn't have to find another way of calming his child? He can't have it both ways.
If he is working while you are are this wedding who will look after the baby?
Just tell him breastfeeding is your choice and you don't want to discuss it again.

Well done for continuing to breastfeed with an unsupportive husband! I’d take the baby with you on the trip, at least if you have family or friends who’ll also be at the wedding / around generally to help you out a bit. It’s compartively easy to fly with a breastfed baby, as another PP said, because the sucking during take off and landing helps their ears pop. And I’ve found people are really helpful in the airports, on the planes (took DS1 home to Australia to visit my parents when he was 8 months - my husband could only join us two weeks later due to work).

And next time your DS is fussy and you DH wants to hand him over to you to calm him down with a breastfeed, hand him a bottle of expresses milk and tell him to sort it out!

And last point - regularly wanting to kill your husband is a normal feature of most relationships when you have a small baby. These moments become less and less as your child gets older!

And yes, Ireland has one of the lowest breastfeeding rates in the world -- there was a Lancet study a few years ago that ranked it at the bottom of 27 high-income countries. But it's very unevenly spread over urban and rural areas (way higher rates in towns and cities), and even within a smallish city like Dublin, the rate is about twice as high in the most prosperous areas as in the most deprived.

www.irishtimes.com/news/health/breastfeeding-rates-vary-hugely-between-urban-and-rural-areas-1.3169155

The hsitorian Caitriona Clear has done really interesting research on why Irish breastfeeding rates dipped so much in the mid 20thc.

www.irishtimes.com/opinion/letters/breastfeeding-and-changing-attitudes-1.2330991

He sounds like an ass and a hypocrite but...

"He says "Well really? How comes all the other babies that aren't breastfed are fine? How comes they're okay then?" I said I don't know"

Really? How can you not know? My daughter's lactose intolerant so she's formula fed now, and somehow she's fine. In fact she's actually better because now she doesn't vomit up all her feeds.

It's not really the end of the world to miss a wedding.

I would turn around and leave him to deal with the baby for the week maybe he will get down his high horse and start appreciating what you do for him.

The crux of the matter is that the OP wants to breast feed, not formula feed and so her husband has no right trying to force her to do something she doesn’t want to.

CMPI babies can’t just be “given formula” it really isn’t that simple. Does your DH even understand that OP?

But even if it were simple, the OP wants her baby to have breast milk, not formula and that should be the end of it - her husband has no place telling her to stop.

Of course formula fed babies are fine, but OP wants to breast feed hers and her DH should support that.

The breastfeeding issue aside, if he hasn't thought about how he would care for a 10 month old (who I assume doesn't currently go to a nursery or other childcare setting) for a week while he is at work, then the whole breastfeeding argument is pointless anyway (other than it shows him up as being an unsupportive prat). He can't have the kid for a week if he is at work and doesn't have childcare.

I doubt any mum, breast feeding or not, would want to go away and leave her baby behind, for any reason at all

Really? I'm writing this from my American hotel room on a lovely holiday while my 10 month old and her sister are at home with my DM. I miss them of course but I'm loving the break!

Your DH is being an idiot OP. He should be proud that you've given his child the very best start nutritionally. He should be supporting you to continue as long you want. Sounds like he just wanted an argument, maybe to deflect from the topic at hand? The wedding? I would definitely expect an apology.