For not giving in to 11mo’s screams

[Cleo2628]

My 11 mo DD has never ever been a good sleeper, but recently has got even worse. She is clearly tired (yawning, rubbing eyes constantly) and we have a bed time routine that I do the same every night. But recently she seems to just not want to sleep and just wants to play. First time I’ll give it half an hour but then she is so clearly exhausted whilst playing, keeps wanting to BF so I think you really need to go to bed. She SCREAMS as soon as I go into the bedroom, I try putting her in her cot, rocking her, feeding her but she just won’t stop screaming. After a 20 minute battle she finally fell asleep with me feeding/rocking her. Now I’m looking at her sleeping and feeling terrible. 😩 I am just so exhausted. I’m on my own doing this and then if she’s up till 10 and I still have to tidy up from dinner etc then I won’t get enough sleep and then won’t have the energy to play with her tomorrow. I just feel like a terrible mum.

Don't feel bad. Babies don't always know what's best for them, that's why they have parents. It's not kind to allow a child to become chronically sleep deprived.

You're not a terrible mum.

My DD was similar at that age. I couldn't do controlled crying as she would really get herself in a state. I would sit next to cot and hold her hand through the cot bars, then gradually move towards the door and sit on the floor just outside...

It's all hard work, especially if you are knackered too. Others will have better advice to give.

you are not a terrible mum. You actually sound like a lovely mum. You’re not leaving her to scream, you’re with her, comforting, cuddling and feeding her. Ensuring she gets some sleep is kinder than letter her play for hours and getting even more tired. Be kind to yourself, you’re going great x

Me putting 13month baby down. She’s hiding under the cot, she also hits the door trying to leave the bedroom and cries...still trying to get her down and it’s 10 here errgh.

My DS was exactly the same, I BF him to sleep, he would cry otherwise, once I stopped BF at 16months we had a bad week of fighting with him but he soon settled and sleeps approx 11hours straight. Hang in there it does get better, you’re not a terrible mum

Does your DD play in her room with you during the day? My DS was a bit older than yours, we ended up using a gentle sleep consultant. The first thing she got us to do was make his bedroom a nice place to be for him, with happy times playing together in there in the day, and this made a difference straight away.

You are a good mum, and you’re doing it all alone.
It’s teally important that:

She doesn’t get overtired
You have time to do chores
You have a bit of peace in the evening

Don’t give yourself a hard time, it’s not like you ignore her to go and follow a life of debauchery, you’re just doing your best.
I don’t know why, but guilt is a massive part of mother hood, .babies are totally dependant, but can’t communicate so it’s a recipe for guilt. .
It does get easier, I promise. One thing that i never really got with my first is that everything is a phase. So it will pass, the good bits, the bad bits, it all passes.

Just sleep train her with controlled crying. It will take 3 nights.

My DD1 was a terrible sleeper because she didn't know what she needed and I didn't either. It's horrible for mums of babies like this. Especially if it's the first time. Going back into her room or trying to co-sleep at that age just sent her the wrong message. She thought, 'mummy is here; time to play' rather than being comforted.

From my experience, I'd say keep on doing your bedtime routine. Maybe add in some soothing chat about how "it's bedtime; it's dark; time to be winding down, going to sleep" Babies of that age can understand the rhythm of speech and often know lots of words. Let her know that you're putting her to bed and then leave her with plenty of time to settle herself. Listening to her cry is not nice but should be only a short while for a few nights.

If you can, try passing her to her dad after you feed her. He may be able to settle her even thought you can't. Don't take that as a thing; just be glad he can help.

Best wishes - these months can be a trial. Loads of people will be on with advice. Just choose what works for you and kick the rest of us to the curb. LOL.

I had nearly 2 years of not being able to leave my child to go to sleep alone, we lived in a one-bedroomed flat so were all in the same room. We then moved to a 2 bedroomed flat and being in her own room with her toys etc. seemed to make all the difference. Almost from day 1 she slept right through the night. It may have been something similar to what sleepingdragon is suggesting, or just the complete change, but it worked for us.

Please please watch some you tube videos of jo frost and her sleep training. You can do this. It will be tough but pays dividends in the end when you can finally walk away and sit down with a coffee

You’re not a bad mum. Babies and sleep is such a weird mix! Mine went through something similar at that age despite me gently sleep training him at around 8 months. Maybe it’s a phase that will pass soon? 🤞🏻If you’re really knackered then I’d say anything goes as long as you’re getting some sleep.

If you feel like something needs to change quickly, maybe try the gradual retreat method where you stay in baby’s room but gradually keep sitting further away from the cot each night. This kind of worked for me, although sometimes I still sit there with my toddler and hold his hand until he falls asleep if he’s stressing out (he’s almost 2). A PP also mentioned that spending time in her room in the daytime might make her room a familiar and fun place to her. I consciously started playing with my son in his room when he had sleeping issues and hated being carried there. We have made him a den there and play there most days and generally have a good time there so he likes his room now - this has made a massive difference in bedtime behaviour as he doesn’t scream when it’s time to go to his room anymore. 🙉

It will get easier. Hang in there!

tarheelbaby since the OP clearly said in her Op that "I’m on my own doing this" I hope she will kick your irrelevant and insensitive advice about "passing her to her Dad" very firmly to the kerb!! Sheesh.

OP you are a good Mum as you are there, cuddling and comforting her. She is tiny and needs you. I loathe sleep "training" - humans are social animals and babies need us, it's normal and natural to be close to your baby and respond to her needs. Separation anxiety peaks at 10-12 months so she's right in the middle of realising you are a separate person and can leave her, which to her is the scariest thing ever. Do whatever suits you and her best and feels right. 20 minutes is actually not that long to settle an under 1 year old. I have heard many many stories of hours and hours! This too shall pass.

They all go through phases of needing to be pinned down to cry before they'll sleep. It sucks.

Try shortening her nap or having it slightly earlier.

Give yourself a break. Seriously, don't berate yourself at all. I am sure you are a wonderful mum.

I found reading Sarah Ockwell Smith's Gentle Sleep book so, so good. No judgements, no 'youshould be doing this'. Just suggestions and mainly confirmation that what you are doing is right.

My LO was terrible with sleep. Would do it unless he was BFing. I got wound up seeing people with their babies in cots and Moses basket and kept thinking I was doing it wrong. Tried sleep training. 6 weeks of hell. And I felt guilty every single second of it. So I went back to BFing.

Then I read that book and felt relief. Relief that what I was doing was ok. It was ok because it was what my LO needed. He needs comfort. It's not really an inconvenience for me so we still do it at 15mo.

You are a good mama and you are doing the best you can, which is all anyone can ever ask for.