How I feel about this male colleague?

[CryingOverSpiltMilk]

IABU but don't know what to do about how I feel.

I was pumping at work when I returned from mat leave and my manager said I had to use the prayer room. It didn't have a lockable door only a sign to say it was in use, I'd have to put a chair against the door but in the time I was in there during my break I'd be interrupted by people trying to barge in, maybe 3 times on average. I get why people would try it, it's the prayer room (mainly because no one used the sign and assumed it was wrong but I never understood this as the lights are also activated by sensors and the light would be on) but whenever I raised this point I was always told people had to wait. One day I was in there and the reception staff knew I'd go in, admittedly I forgot to change the sign but the male colleague (from another department) and a male reception worker who knew I sometimes go in there were fussing at the door. I nearly snapped at the point, finished and opened the door, they explained my mistake. After, I went to discuss it with the receptionist and he looked worried and apologised for looking through the window (although it has blinds they are broken so if you look at the right angle you can see in) and said he meant nothing untoward in peering in. I don't know if they saw anything but at the time I thought nothing of it as male doctors have seen an eyeful plenty of times.

That was one of the last times I pumped at work, the very last was a time I explained to another male colleague he couldn't share the room as I was using it. He then said "well it's not for that." I understand why these people were frustrated, I was also frustrated for the same reasons. It caused me so much stress I'd rather try and go without pumping now. However, I keep seeing the other male colleague who peered through the window around the building. There must be at least 400 people in the building but I seem to see him everywhere at the moment and it's got to the point I will avoid the lift if it's just the both of us, cross the road if he's around. I just feel so uncomfortable around this colleague and cannot put my finger on why apart from the fact that maybe I do feel a little violated. He tries to be nice and talk to me but I just try to avoid it at all costs or mumble a single word response without looking him in the eye.

How can I get over this?

My understanding is that your workplace is supposed to provide a suitable area for expressing - it doesn't sound as though this area is suitable. Speak to your manager/HR to see if they can find another area where you'll have privacy.

Oh, apologies, I have just seen that you're no longer doing this.

Do you think this colleague is deliberately following you, or are you just noticing him more because of the incident?

Are you cross with him? He didn’t do anything wrong unless I’ve missed something? I get that you were embarrassed but you are going to have to get past this.
You should have been given somewhere more appropriate to pump, the prayer room was absolutely not appropriate!

@ScreamingValenta No I don't think he's following me and it may be I'm just noticing him more because my only interaction with him before has only really been bumping into him to pump

He's not at fault at all which is what is annoying me about how I feel. Perhaps it is partly just misdirected over works 'suitable' location to pump and I need to discuss a change with my employer.

@DuchessThingy he definitely could have, as I checked myself.

Sounds like you think your need to express is more important than his need to pray and you're angry with him for trying to use a prayer room when he didn't know you were in there using is to express. YABU.

Dreadful of your employer to make you use the prayer room.

It’s not your fault, but if I was a Muslim and the room was occupied at prayer time, I’d be complaining to my employer.

Sorry - no answer to your actual question.

Your employer is definitely the issue here. You should not have been put in the position of having to tell him he couldn’t use the prayer room and he shouldn’t have had to ask. Neither of you are to blame.

@Haahhpy not at all! I brought this up with multiple people as I felt it was the other way round and was always told others would just have to wait for me, I thought it was very wrong. A prayer room is for alll faiths so I don't know that he is Muslim but in any case, I wondered whether certain faiths would also find it wrong that I was pumping in there.

You don't know him, and have inky seen him near the Parayer Room or trying to enter it. So you havevno rrason t think he hivgn other than a regular Prayer Room user (you don't know the regulars)

It sounds as if no-one has informed the regular users that their facility is being removed from their use at times, management perhaps need to do this. If there are complaints from users, they should be addressed to management.

If there is individual harassment after proper information has been given, then that needs to be reported according to your workplace's disciplinary policy.

Muslims have to pray at specific times, could you Google it? I think it varies a bit each day, linked to sunrise and sunset if I understand correctly, am not a Muslim so if anyone is or knows more feel free to correct me. I just think if you can avoid those times it might be a practical solution. You shouldn't have to of course, agree with pp that using the prayer room is a bit crap really, and your employer should find a better place but if you can make it more bearable until they do... Totally understand you feeling uncomfortable with the colleague too.

You can't help how you feel so you're not unreasonable in that. I would be embarrassed too.

Your employer shouldn't have put you in this position. I would raise this, professionally, as an issue that needs addressing. Even if you plan to avoid expressing at work from now on there may be another colleague in the near future that needs to do so.

I would explain the situation as you have here and ask for an alternative place for mums to express; one that has a lockable door, a 'do not disturb' sign and isn't the prayer room!

Even if it’s for all faiths, Muslims have set times that they need to pray. Were you told by your employer what times you should avoid pumping there? I think your employer needs a rethink.

A person's right to pray doesn't take precedence over a mum's need to express milk so don't feel guilty about that. I would say they are of equal importance.

You shouldn’t have been given the prayer room! Definitely you’re employee in the wrong here. I can understand why your colleagues were frustrated but it’s not your fault.

You seem to be building this up into something massive in your head when initially it was - yes, an awkward and uncomfortable encounter but nothing sinister at all.

Even the way you narrate it, retrospectively, seems to insinuate that you think they were doing something wrong (“peered” makes the men sound like peeping toms). But the issue is with work not providing a suitable place to express, not with these men wanting to use the prayer room for the purpose it has been created for.

I feel for you over the expressing, and might have been more assertive to begin with about the need for a lockable office to express in, but the way in which you are creating a huge drama in your head about this poor bloke is something of an overreaction. He probably feels just as embarrassed, is trying to be nice to help you both move past the embarrassment, and you’re treating him like some stalker.

@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross What adjective should I have used to make you happier? I know why he was looking in ffs, not to peep but to ascertain whether it was in use. He's not sexually harassing me and I don't think he's sinister. I get that he's trying to be friendly but I do wish he wouldn't try. There's no need to, we don't have to interact. I no longer go there and just want him to drop it I guess.

I do want to raise it with my employer but like working here, I don't know the nicest way I could do it? Perhaps in the form of feedback for returning mothers?

He is just being friendly, you say he's not harassing you or is sinister so just smile, ignore him and treat him the same as everyone else. You need to speak to your manager and h.r. soon about your privacy in expressing, a prayer room is for prayer and quiet reflection, you all have equal rights. You need to be given an alternative.