AIBU (and advice required) - to want to tell EX to f***ing do one!?

[strivingforsuccess]

Stay with me on this one!
On the whole, EX can be a good dad however the majority of the time he's a dictator who can't recall anything he's said and in complete denial and full of contradictions.

Current situ - I work 2 days a week over a 7 day working pattern, no 2 weeks have the same working days. The latest I officially work is 6pm though sometimes it's later, because I'm customer facing.

DC started senior school in September and no longer wants to go to the child minder, understandably. Between us, ex and I said DC would go home after school and be alone (on the days I work) and ex would pick DC up, take to his and I would collect after work.

This week EX says he will be working late (on day I'm working), so I made provisions for a friend to have DC (her DC and mine friends since pre-school) however her DC had a gym session booked so my DC would sit with her whilst hers was exercising (no space for my DC).

EX picks up DC, takes home and then to football training - all as agreed.

Today EX phones and says this arrangement with my job's hours unsettles our child and that I HAVE TO change my job! In the 5 years since we've split, he's periodically asked when I'm going F/T (with the most recent time me pointing out his lack of parental support growing up) and that I didn't want to re-create this with our DC, hence the P/T job role. As usual, he claims no recollection of ever asking me about working F/T. I'm sure he thinks then he'll pay less maintenance as he moans about the amount he pays (which is a lot less than CSA website, but that's another thread all together)!

He then suggests I move into full time work, Monday - Friday and 9-5 (he lives in an ideal world) as he thinks this is better for our DC. I'm sure you're with me when I say this would be offering less support for our DC?! He then says that he can't take our DC to his swimming class at the weekend as "I work most weekends". I tried to point out that if I work 2 days in the week I then don't work weekends (as he clearly failed to see this when he made the statement)!

Anyway, even though we're no longer together he's still trying to control me and says that if he changes his hours of work, so he can be there with our DC after school, he'll then have custody of our DC. This of course then made me somewhat defensive so I gave him both barrels.

So, WAIBU to tell him to do one and is this situation enough grounds for him to fight for custody of our DC?

Thanks mumsnetters!

Yanbu. However now that your son is in secondary school would you think he could be left at home until you returned. I’m sure he could make himself something to eat and watch TV happily enough. These days you would then not need to discuss with ex unless it was a day he was going to see him anyway. You are the resident parent and these should be your decisions

I don't think that it's any grounds at all for custody, I don't think he'd be taken seriously as essentially he'd be saying 'I want my child to live with me as I work full time and my ex won't change her hours from part time to full time' I don't think he'd have a leg to stand on.

Oh my goodness. I don't think he can dictate your working hours at all. Has he fought you for custody before? Would your children express a wish to live with him when asked during proceedings? It sounds like he's just trying to maintain control over you but I'm not sure if he's the type to take this further to do so.

I don't have experience of custody issues but there are lots of knowledgeable MNers on the way I'm sure.

I'd just ignore him if he keeps pushing, 'why on earth do you think I should change my hours when you were the one who's work got in the way with the arrangement? But if you want to change your working hours so you can be more consistent than you should go for it. Or maybe you should apply for flexible working?'

You can't expect an ex to keep changing his plans and days with the children based upon your working hours. It is also rather a pisstake to only be working 2 days a week with a secondary aged child unless you have a partner to be supporting you.
Your current job doesn't seem compatible with how you wish childcare arrangements to be unless your ex is willing to run his life around yours (which he isn't). You either need to make alternative childcare arrangements or look at getting a different job.

Actually exh I have decided what to do - and it's to tell you to fuck off and mind your own business.

@newhousenewstart - my EX declared our DC was responsible enough to have own key and wait at home to be collected by EX, which has worked for the first month

@justanothernameonthepage - I have already approached about flexible working however unable to accommodate

@haireverywhere - he hasn't suggested custody before but this could be just a way to scare me into doing what he wants has previous for this behaviour

@user139328237 - I take your points on board however my EX wasn't a supportive partner so I realised I could do it on my own and be far happier, which was important for our DC, who has since grown into a confident child. With regards my hours, my EX and I had agreed childcare arrangements between us - he's now (as usual) wanting to move the goal posts to accommodate his wants. It was also agreed between us that I would work P/T to ensure our DC doesn't go down the destructive paths my EX took without support from his parents whilst growing up, until he decides I should work F/T every so often!

Thanks everyone for your points of view :)

@aprilshowersnowastorm - and a gold for your comment!

There is no reason you child can be at home a couple of nights a week while you’re working. As long as he doesn’t mind then their shouldn’t be an issue

So this only became a problem when HE had to work late? YANBU. Tell him to do one.

Is your secondary aged child happy with the arrangements to maintain contact and therefore his relationships with both his parents?

The most important thing here is that your son is happy and sees his parents enough.

Someone I know was taken to court by her ex so the ex could have more contact with his secondary aged son and be the primary carer. He lost and the arrangements stayed the same as the boy was happy, and the judge pointed out if the boy was happy as this was what he was use to there was no good reason to change it. Oh and by taking her to court the ex actually made their agreed arrangements have legal standing.

Btw it is contact not custody.

@clutterbugsmum - our DC says he's happy, and in fact relishes the fact he has his own key and freedom!

@quartermileatatime - yes!!

@bluebug45 - my EX and I have had the same agreement in place since we split. He always has our DC stay once a week at the weekend (sometimes twice if he asks) and I've never not granted him access/contact whenever he's asked to see him in addition to our agreement. I have always been flexible to ensure our DC has contact with my EX (conscious my EX didn't have his father in his life growing up) so maybe this is the issue - where he's always been demanding he perhaps feels he can continue to be in areas aside from our DC.

OP sounds like it. If your arrangement over your DC is long establshed and your DC is happy with it as PPs have said tell your ex to f* off, however make sure you point out your DC is happy with current arrangements.