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AIBU?

To ask if a drug addict can ever be got through to

13 replies

ffsfamilyishard · 26/09/2018 23:01

We had a difficult childhood, there's definitely things that have led to it getting here.

I'm scared my sibling will be dead soon. They're homeless, a drug addict and actually a pretty horrible person now to other people. They don't seem to think they have any problems though 🤷‍♀️

Is there anything that can be done before it is too late?

They're NC with many in the family but they don't seem to keep ANY relationships at all for long - acquaintances, friends, anyone gets discarded

Any offers of help are rejected

Everyone is verbally attacked and even in some cases falsely accused

Can I do anything at all to save them before it's too late or do I just have to wait now for the dreaded call to say they've gone?

Has anyone successfully managed an intervention for a family member who doesn't even want to talk to them?

I've NC as any family would recognise my post!

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Camelsinthegobi · 26/09/2018 23:05

I don’t think you can do anything, I’m afraid. Addicts can change but they have to work it out for themselves. No enabling, no supplying money or drugs is the best you can do. I’m so sorry, it’s very sad.

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Sparklesocks · 26/09/2018 23:08

I’m sorry you’re having to go through this OP, the ripple effects of addiction spread far and wide and it can tear families apart.

I have a cousin who managed to come through the other side, but it was only when he wanted to get help rather than getting help to keep his parents happy. Even now he’s been clean 15 years but it’s a constant battle, he still goes to meetings on occasion and if he has a bad patch his first instinct is to turn back to the drugs which he has to push through.

I know a mental health social worker who works with addicts and although some people do make progress, she finds a lot of people get clean and leave the service only to come back to if 10 years on.

Honestly it’s heartbreaking but there’s nothing you can do unless they decide to do something. I know it’s very hard.

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ffsfamilyishard · 26/09/2018 23:09

I'm not sure they even think there's anything that needs to change.

The fact they no longer have a bed at night seems to be looked on as a life choice rather than consequence of their life spiralling out of control

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BarbarianMum · 26/09/2018 23:19

Flowers Horrible isnt it. My brother is 1 step away from homelessness and I cant see any way of preventing it because he cant/won't seek help from anybody, just wants money,money, money to feed his addiction. He's also a total shit to everyone too - the person who was my brother just isnt there anymore, just left with a drug-craving shell.

With some addicts something just clicks oneday and they do reach out for help. Others just spiral downwards. I thought for the longest time that if I just found the right combination of words , the right "angle" to take, that I could change the choices he made. But I no longer believe that there's anything I could say, or do, to make a difference.

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MarcieBluebell · 26/09/2018 23:24

If they don't want help I think you've answered your own question. All you can do is say you will always love them and that you understand they are going through an awful addiction.

The trouble is even if they want help the chances of getting into rehab is very very slim. It's such a difficult one.

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Aquamarine1029 · 26/09/2018 23:26

There is absolutely nothing you can do. Until they admit to themselves that they are an addict and decide to get sober on their own, nothing can be done.

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ffsfamilyishard · 26/09/2018 23:38

Flowersto @Sparklesocks and @BarbarianMum and anyone else who's been/going through this

My sibling appears quite happy with their life despite having no home, or relationships, or continually hurting other people

Meanwhile everyone is grieving for them already with no idea when that call is going to come. I'm so angry with them and then scared to be angry in case I never get another chance to say I love them. I'm completely ashamed of things they've done to people and I also feel bloody responsible that they have become this person despite not really being able to pinpoint exactly why it's my fault in any way at all.

I don't think I even cross their mind very often or many others in the family and yet they're on our minds fucking constantly

Sorry just letting off steam now. I think I knew you'd all say no nothing you can do but I still hoped there was an answer hence posting

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hungryhippo90 · 26/09/2018 23:42

There is absolutely nothing you or anyone else can do, nothing.
The only person who can change your relative is themselves, and it can’t be for anyone but them.

Sobriety is a selfish sort of ambition because nothing or anyone can make you do it, I’ve had many a conversation with people who have had addictions, my father is an alcoholic, he hasn’t been active in his addiction for 15 years now, and I am so proud of him, he works in addiction services and I’ve met some of the people he’s worked with as they became friends of his who then told me of their own personal struggles.... sorry I’m going off on a tangent!

But the one thing they all have in common is that they all had families that wanted them to be sober for them, most had children too, and they couldn’t do it for them, it took for my dad to be told he had months left to live if he didn’t stop drinking to actually manage to see himself as having an issue.

In the meantime, please give them information for services that’s they may require, then safeguard yourself from allowing their behaviour to create havoc in your life. They cannot drag you down with them.

At the moment this is their choice.

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Sunflowersforever · 26/09/2018 23:52

Best thing I can advise is attending a programme where they have to be honest with other addicts. Like a AA or CA. Worked well for a friend as you can't fool a fellow addict.

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flipperfintail · 28/11/2018 14:57

I know this is a relatively old post but came across it after searching for this subject. Just wondering how you're doing. I now find myself in an impossible situation with my sister who is addicted to crack. After 15 years of trying to help her (enabling but unable to give up on her), we have finally had to ask her to leave. We as a family are terrified for her but her addiction is totally destroying her and our input has not helped her as she doesn't want to stop. She is 46 years old, wasted her whole adult life, lost everything and now us. How do you cope with the fear of what will happen? We are totally devastated.

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thinkIwillexplode · 28/11/2018 17:14

I was the OP (I've nc'd since) actually I have no idea how we coped, I was living with the expectation of a call

I haven't had the call and I did get an email apologising from them weeks after they cut me out too after a long email I poured my heart out and said everything I wanted to say before the call came that they'd gone.

Nothing since. So they've acknowledged and apologised, promised to get support and then drifted again. I hope they're ok. I don't know

I've said everything I needed to say though and for a brief time that seemed like it had headed in a positive direction after the initial fallout

It's honestly like living as though they're gone and knowing they might return. Buying Xmas presents is driving it home a) will we see them to give b) what can we give they will want and not sell immediately

Sorry 💐 it's an awful place to be as a family member. Addiction is a horrific illness

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flipperfintail · 28/11/2018 18:47

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. I'm so sad that you are still in this hell, but not really surprised. I know my parents are thinking this will give my sister the kick up the backside to actually seek help herself. Maybe it will but I doubt it. She has recently done 6 months in a rehab centre, come out and gone straight back on it. Her dealers have smashed up my parents house and cars in the middle of the night terrifying them but she still goes to them for her drugs. Lots of love and luck to you. As stated previously we cannot let them drag us down with themFlowers

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thisisthend · 28/11/2018 18:48

Social Services.

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