To think that a long distance relationship can't really work?

[6079SmithW]

My boyfriend has a new job. He works away for six/seven weeks and then comes home for two/three weeks.

I'm really struggling.

We speak every night but generally by the time I get to speak to him he is tired (because of the time difference it's nearly his bedtime). We have about 10-15 minutes where he sums up his day, asks about me and my children and then that's it. After looking forward to speaking to him all day I come away feeling really deflated. I feel like I'm not really in a relationship at all, just in some kind of limbo, and I hate it.

I don't feel like I can say all this to him because he doesn't really want to be there either but he has to make a living. The company he works for restructured and he had to go or lose his job. I know he's looking for another job but if nothing turns up he'll be doing this role for at least the next 18 months!

I feel guilty because he's the one who is actually having to be there away from everything and everyone (including his own kids from previous relationship) so I don't want to make it worse for him by telling him, but I'm not sure I can last if this continues?

AIBU to think that long distance relationships can't work or will someone PLEASE tell me how to make it better?

I came on here to say of course it can work... but my long distance relationship didn’t involve time zones!! Just 3 hrs on the M6 once a fortnight. Even so, long distance relationships are hard and not for the faint hearted! Perhaps there’s people around in here who have partners in the forces - I think their experiences will be closer to yours.

I married my long distance partner and we’ve been together just over 15 years now, so it can definitely work!

I can only go by my own experience, but I spent 18 months away from my DH due to jobs in different countries! We saw each other every two months, it was years ago before email/mobile phones so we wrote loads of letters.... but we have been together 25 years now, once we were back in the same place we got married and here we are today! So it can work in the long run.

I've been with my DH for 34 years and he's worked away for quite a long part of it over the years.

We were apart after the first couple of years of going out, and that lasted for two years, I moved to be with him after that.

We're still very happy.

MY DW and I lived in two countries for about 18 months when we first met. I'd ring her morning her time as her 'wake up' call every morning, we emailed and wrote a lot. saw each other every 4-6 weeks for a few days/week at a time. Been together 18 years. It works if you're both committed, have your own lives to get on with in the meantime, and have a plan - it won't be forever.

It can work, but it’s hard.

For about 2 years we saw each other every 3 or 4 months, for a month (two in summer). This was well before FaceTime and messaging over data services so speaking on the phone and texting was v expensive. Mainly emailed.

In someways it worked - I could focus entirely on my life (we didn’t have children.together). So when he was away I did my own thing, I didn’t have to consider anyone else, and had my own life with work and friends.

When he was here we went from hardly speaking to spending all our time together and it was quite intense.

We did it. We got through it. I probably wouldn’t do it again unless I absolutly HAD to.

I was only early twenties so a while ago.

I've been with my partner for 6 years, obviously the plan is to live together eventually but we make it work and are very happy. Mind you I do value time alone so it might not suit someone who likes to be with someone all the time.

It's really nice to hear positive outcomes. I really needed the encouragement tonight so thank you all

If you don't mind me asking - did any of you feel like your relationship was on hold in the periods you weren't together? Or that it stunted the relationship's development?

I think my main problem is I find it so hard to feel connected to him while he isn't here. I love him and I miss him so much.

It definitely can work me and DH have been going out since I was 17 and he was 18.

It was definitely hard it always will be, I was studying at home at college he was up country and a 14 hour coach ride away as I couldn't drive.

You just have to try your best to stay connected. At night I was always sleepy and we didn't get to say much so we reserved a time in the day, and day off that we could have a proper chinwag.

I saw him every 3-6 weeks whenever I got time off and the longest haul was 8 weeks before Christmas.

Definitely keep your communication up. Ring, video call, keep stuff.
I had a fluffy teddy bear he brought me who went to college everyday along with me. A hoodie of his, and a pillow that still had his scent on. Sure I sounded like a dog but it definitely helped.
You just gotta focus on the time where you can both be together. And how much love you have for them :)

IME you need a long term plan so you know it's not forever and you need a fairly solid IRL baseline first.

DH and I did a year apart and it was totally make or break, it was so hard. But it was worth it. We talked a lot on messenger.

@6079SmithW

Definitely don't feel that our relationship is on hold it's a very real thing, we are absolutely a partnership. Mind you we are both 51 and got together 6 years ago after I'd been out of my frankly awful marriage for a couple of years. So I'd had my son, we didn't want kids, I have a career I love and friends and my whole life in this area.

I think it would be different if I was much younger and wanted to marry and/or start a family. Good luck btw, I'm sure you can make this work until you can be together all the time.

I dated someone 2500 miles away. Another continent.

It lasted a year.

My DH lived in a different time zone for a year many years ago, after we'd been together 2 years. It almost split us up. I completely understand it's so hard!

Early on in our relationship (about a year), I was in southern Europe, BF in northern, we saw each other for the grand total of 17 days! It was shit. Pre-mobile phones, very early internet days (including spending about £5 in an internet caff for 30 minutes writing frantically in case the dial-up line crashed. Oh those were the days!). I didn't feel like i was living in limbo as i was young and well-off, spent my free time reading on the beach, studying the language, hanging out with mates. But it was sad passing places that held memories for us etc.

We both moved to a new EU city midway between where we both were, and have been together ever since. 20 years next month, married 10, one child and one dog.

We have had our ups and downs of course, but still going strong. We haven't spent more than a week apart since, i'd hate that.

Give it time and plenty of patience, but also don't self-flagelate if you're not feeling the love anymore and want to move on.

I would recommend, even in these days of whastapp and favetime etc, to write letters to each other - or very silly cheesey postcards. Coming home to something through your letterbox is a wonderful thing. not a euphemism