AIBU to not want

[ILoveHumanity]

Hi all,

This is a first world problem. But I need some insight.

I feel like I wonder whether I have something wrong with me.

I’m a loyal person and when I’m friends with someone I go all the way. I help out , selflessly, look out for them and listen to them. I wouldn’t say I try to get in touch frequently as I’m busy but when in need I go out of my way to help out.

The problem is, I do this with almost everyone I care about and I care about a lot of people. But I don’t feel I have that sort of friendship back.

Therefore, a lot of my friends have told me outright that I’m their “best friend”. But this makes me cringe because I don’t feel the same way. I care for them but I don’t see them as someone who has my back and that I would go out of my way to spend time with them.

I feel mean because literally almost 7 friends who don’t know each other told me how I’m their best friend and everytime it shocks me and I feel like theyre disappointed that I don’t reciprocate the gesture. I just feel I’m too busy with my life to make best friends...

I’m sure there must be something wrong with me .. I feel bad and like I’m losing friends because of all the times I have to disappoint people..

I just feel like I treat my friends as siblings but I can’t really choose.. each one adds something to my life but non of them knows me inside out ... only knows a side of me

AIBU to lead that sort of friendships ?

I'm sorry is your issue having too many friends or your friends not treating you how you want them to? I'm confused.

I'm confused, too.

On the one hand you go above and beyond for people, and they say you're their best friend.

And on the other, you disappoint people and lose friends.

Not sure what to advise. Nor why you have people feeling the need to say you're their best friend. Out of curiosity, are you all 8?

are you an Aquarius?

You're over thinking this. Just go with the flow.

I don't really understand the issue.

As pp said is it about having too many friends or those friends not treating you well?

Sorry the title was meant to say - I don’t want a best friend. They’re all equal to me

Ok sorry to be so vague,

Basically I’m not 8 I promise. It does seem to be like a children’s thing.

But I have about 7 different friends asking me on seperate occasions - indirectly- if they’re my best friend. And I don’t feel like I should have one best friend and don’t understand the concept so I tell them they’re all like my sisters..

They end up taking it personal. To me I like a lot of friends the same way.

I don’t like to commit to one BFF. But it seems to matter to others more than me

Best friends once you’re out of primary school??

I agree that you all sound about 8.

To be fair some people do keep a BF after primary school into adulthood. And it’s rather sweet that they can have each other’s backs and understand each other and so on. But that’s not something I’m looking for with my friendships .

One of my old friends sent me a poem yesterday about how I’m her best friend .. and I freaked out because if I disappoint her I might lose her. So hence why I posted this..

There is nothing wrong with you for not wanting to have a best friend. You can have several good friends.

It is odd that so many have asked if they are your best friend- are you all quite young still?

They will grow up and get over it.

Some people do stay best friends throughout life though, but I expect they don't have to ask each other if they are best friends explicitly.

You probably wouldn't want to be a best friend if that involves not being good friends with other people. Most adults don't expect exclusive relationships except with partners.

Is it possible that they are using the term lightly? Such as saying, 'thank you, you are my best friend' after you had done something for them? Were they actually expecting you to reciprocate?

Woolly, yes I feel the issue is that those friends are looking for something exclusive. Specifically mentioning how they don’t confide in anyone but me and don’t reallt care to keep friendships but that I’m different to them and special.

They expect me to reciprocate.

I value them dearly but I would never exclusively commit myself to one friend and forget the rest

We r late 20s 30s but those friendships are from childhood / teen years

Just say they're all best friends. My ddil has about ten "best" friends.

Unless you're 7 I don't think it matters who your "best friend" is so I'd probably just not worry about that at all. People often use the term to describe a friend who is important to them. I don't think they've literally gone through and rated all their friends and you came out on top.

If you're consistently losing friends then perhaps you need to think about what you're doing so that this always happens.

Your post is very confusing as on the one hand you say:

I’m a loyal person and when I’m friends with someone I go all the way. I help out , selflessly, look out for them and listen to them.

Then in your later post you say:

it’s rather sweet that they can have each other’s backs and understand each other and so on. But that’s not something I’m looking for with my friendships .

Perhaps your issue is that you give the impression you're going to go out of your way for your friends with big promises but aren't actually prepared to follow through consistently.

Why are you so scared of that label, “best friend”? You can have as many as you like! They can all be your best friends, can’t they?

It’s sounds like they’ve applied for a job, didn’t meet all your strict criteria and are being dismissed.

It doesn’t mean you’re legally bound to one person, it’s friendship! I think you may have some issues around commitment.

Ah, sounds like there is a semantic difference here.

Some of us use 'best' in a literal sense and would take this to mean an exclusive relationship.

Others use best to mean 'close, intimate, good' friend but it is not exclusive.

I think your friends are just saying that you are an intimate friend. So, you shouldn't worry. They would be very happy if you thanked them and said that their poem was very precious to you.

I (like you) can take things maybe too literally and wouldn't use terms like 'best' because it sounds as if I am judging friends against each other.

She sent you a poem about how you were her best friend? Does anyone else find that a bit weird?

Nice I guess but I'd find it odd if my mates started doing that, it's very intense.

Woolly.. yeh makes sense , but I feel from the context of how she describes friendship that she thinks I will only confide in her and so on .. which isn’t true for me. I have a bunch of close friends whome I value in different ways .

Lordofthefleas.. yeh I do find it pretty intense . I see her as a sister but that poem made it seem like I’m more than that to her.

I don’t have ever sister so not sure if that’s why I freek out

if pushed, respond ‘I don’t really do the best friend thing, but you are definitely one of my closest friends.’

If they get stroppy then leave them to it. Coming up to 30 is too old for best friends.