Aibu to ask if you were a teenage Mum/parent what did you need

[worriedsister2]

Hi
NC for this one, but my littlest sister is fairly sure she’s PG. 2 positive & 2 Negative tests and not had a period since end of May, about a stone weight gain and 2 breast sizes up.
All will be confirmed tomorrow, but it all points that way.
Anyway ahead of that, I want to be able to support her as much as possible and I don’t know how
She’s just turning 18 and due to go to uni next year, she broke up with boy not long ago, wasn’t serious and she is now in a new relationship- she was on the pill

I just wondered what you needed as young mums both in terms of support and things. I would like to support her as she’s my best friend, but I still think she’s so little (and yes I do know she’s an adult etc but there’s almost a decade between us but she’s our extended families youngest and has definitely been babied as it where, where as I was babysitting everyone as soon as I started secondary!)

I love her so much and she’s so scared. For reference she still lives with DPs and I live about 10 minutes drive or 1h walk across the city so can offer practical help if she needs
Also I will obviously ask her, and engage in conversation but just wanted some advice really.
If You got this far Thanks

Apologies for the appalling spelling

You sound fab and her knowing you are there will be so valuable to her. I don’t have direct experience of teenage pregnancy but I guess she’s so vulnerable I would say support her to be strong- so she doesn’t doubt herself, or end up in vulnerable relationships where she feels trapped. Practical help where possible, at the beginning with baby to give her a break etc when needed, especially as she can’t presumably rely on new partner sticking around, and later to help her achieve any life ambitions. It depends on what her long term plans were/are but she can still achieve so much even with baby, just might take longer. Good luck to you both

Thank you so much.
Bless her, she’s a lovely brainy thing, and a straight A student. She’d planned to go to an RG uni to read law, and of course she can still do that. We’ve got a spare room and they’re both or one always welcome here! Both DP and I are NHS (nurse and OT and we work shifts, so one of us can generally be free if she (soon to be they) need anything.
Our parents are lovely too, and will be v supportive. But I’m definitely worried about the vulnerability of her. She’s quite fragile and has been called all sorts of names and has a promiscuous reputation (despite only having had a long term boyfriend, the father and her current partner.) and I worry that with all the time that teens spend on social media her business will become everyone else’s 😞
I know it’s going to be tough for her, and I’ve always been able to fix things for her. I know she’s courageous, resilient, clever and strong though and she will be utterly fantastic ❤️
Thanks again

Blimey. Very sorry to hear she's been called names. Is there a Young PRent support group that her midwife could direct her to?

Yes the name calling was awful for her, and sadly was not only perpetrated by teens but adult women too
Oh good plan doria I directed one of my patients to a local one about six months ago, I’ll check if it’s still going. If so it would work well. I’m sure the gp/mw would refer.

Hi - I'm seventeen and have a beautiful 4 month old son. My situation is a little different as I'm still with the father, we rent a house together. We're all different, my experience so far has been one of happiness and I love being a parent. I think it's just important for her to know she's supported, although I live independently with my own family now; I knew my parents and grandparents/aunts etc. were 100% embracing & the love and support all the way through really helped my confidence. Knowing you have help if you need it is a comfort. No more than you would any new parents, just helping with the basics of being totally run down with a newborn!

Its so lovely that she has you. It sounds like you’re giving her the most important things - love and support - already.

Hi there, I was 19 when I fell pregnant in third year of uni. Now have lovely 6 month old and I am engaged to dad. I can advise from uni standpoint that it is difficult but lots of help available - most universities have childcare grants and a nursery although can be difficult to get a place. If she's in Scotland she is entitled to a bigger student loan by classifying as an independent. She will find it annoying when other students are talking about partying etc but just remind her that it will be worth it in long run. I personally didn't take time off because I felt it would be difficult for me to return later on. A good balance is definitely possible and I can give her advice for being a young student mum and balancing things if you want to put her in touch with me. Most mature student associations will also look after young mum's as even though they're not "mature" (classed as 25 and up at the point of starting) they are independent and have additional pressures.

I was a teenaged mother. All I needed was for my husband to provide finacially because I couldn't (no career at that age). There isn't really any difference between an 18 year old and a 38 year old beyond availability of funds.

I had a dd at 17. Regardless of her circumstances she is having a baby and she needs to be' allowed' to be excited and enjoy her pregnancy without focusing on the negatives.
My dm made me feel like shit and tbh our relationship never ever recovered. We have been nc most of my adult life.
Congratulations on becoming an auntie!!

There isn't really any difference between an 18 year old and a 38 year old beyond availability of funds.
Errr life experience, most 18 year olds barely have a direct debit so taking on the needs and wants of a baby will be far more daunting.
I think most of all listen, don’t sugar coat things and tell her how much you will help, firstly just listen and ask her how she’s feeling and what she wants to do.

I think it’s great you’re there for her and I’m so sorry people have called her names, that’s awful. But how has she only done four tests in four months and it’s only being confirmed now? To be very clear I’m not troll hunting in any way, I’m just wondering if there’s a reason that it hasn’t even been confirmed yet.

@user1473878824
I don’t know, I didn’t want to ask and pry or make her feel that she was in the wrong when she is so scared to be honest. She took one it was negative, so she thought it was just her change of contraception causing the lack of periods again, so left it. Then took 3 recently with the weight gain and things.
The initial negative probably reassured her.
But fwiw when I fell pregnant I took about 9 IC’s a FRER and a CB Digital within 24 hours, so I was wondering myself.

Thanks all for your help
@aprilshowersniwastorm she certainly will be supported to have a lovely pregnancy and we aren’t focusing on the negatives with her at al, I honestly believe she will be incredible

@racecardriver thanks for that, if you’d read my op properly you’d see there isn’t a husband to provide for her, but cheers anyway.
Additionally, I am a totally different person to the one I was in my teens and can only assume I would be a different mother at different ages (however back to the future wasn’t real and I won’t be able to check!)

@onlyfoolsnmothers I think honestly and love are definitely the way to go! Thanks

@merlotmummy14 first of all, fantastic username. Secondly, thank you. We live in England so I’m not sure what her uni situation would be like. But thank you so much for your positive story- all the best with your degree and motherhood.

Grace and auntbeastie thank you both so much!

@worriedsister2 I hope that didn’t seem shitty. Just worried she might be a bit in denile if she is four month’s gone. Do you think she’ll cope with either a negative or positive outcome? Not in a mean way, just it being quite late.

I had dd when I was 18 and my parents were ok once they got over the shock. I think the only thing I wanted was for the bitchy nasty comments and sneering judgment to stop, honestly it was awful and used to have me in tears but my family were supportive and I did marry dds father.
She's almost 20 now and at uni, I've never regretted having her and I'm extremely proud of her.

@user1473878824 I’ve got no idea and I’m terrified for her if I’m honest. I wasn’t showing at 16W but definitely had the bloat and DC was wriggling round like Crazy particularly during Baths and Cyles!
I really hope she gets an outcome she can cope with. She’s such a Lovely girl but she is delicate and emotionally drained at the minute

@worriedsister2 oh love I’m sorry. I hope she’s okay.

@PortiaCastis - thankyou.
I think that’s what will upset her the most, as I mentioned uothread she’s been called names a lot before and it really knocked her confidence and sense of self love it was heartbreaking to see.
Glad all went well for you and your DD

Thank you so much @user1473878824 I hope so too, I would assume she’s far too late for a termination by the time she’s been seen, (not that I would encourage her to do this but all the options are open to her If she wants them?) I’m sure she will be fine though!

@worriedsister2 yes, that was my worry. I really hope you get some good advice from everyone on here. Nest of vipers it may be, but they know their shit.

Hey but now dd is almost 20 I'm almost 38 and living my life with no young children so now I can do things I couldn't when she was small, this is the upside of being a young Mother.

My parents were teenagers. Money/practical gifts were probably what we needed the most as dad was still and apprentice and mum worked p/t because of me. We got a lot of stuff passed to us, 2nd hand telly, 2nd hand bike, clothes for me from cousins, grandma would pay for school trips ( museum type trips that is, we didn't go on any big trips), when I was older I also found out that my grandparents helped with 'santa' presents.
But I'll say this for them, they adored me and my DB, were always there for us, and had TONS of energy! As an older parent I'm a bit jealous of the sheer fun we had together...

Thanks all, I’m hoping to help her out financially if needed, she’s been working for a well known supermarket chain 23hpw for almost 2 years with 40 hours in school holidays averaging her at 30hpw over her time there so she will qualify for the maternity package which is helpful
SIL (dhs sister) has a 18 month old dd and 3 month old ds and has offered anything and everything they’ve outgrown

My sister had a baby in similar circumstances. Are you a parent yourself? I found that my support and advice was more readily asked for (and received) because it was from a fellow mum. Whereas my other sister was trying to help but it felt judgemental to my baby sister and basically ‘wtf does she know!’.

I would encourage her to speak to the uni. She will almost certainly have the option to defer a year but financially she may be better off carrying on. Is her uni close to home? Probably also depends when baby is due. If it’s due after exams then she will have 3/4 months before she needs to be back at lectures again.