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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think all grandchildren should be treated the same?

23 replies

fermerswife · 26/09/2018 19:02

I'm sparing an great details as they would be outing but I am just so so fed up of my children being treated differently by my in-laws. I understand that grandparents especially grannies are closer to their daughters children but I am just finding all the bragging and boasting about what the golden children can do (e.g. schools, sports etc) so upsetting. They look after them some days after school (their choice) and when I go to pick them up they literally never have anything good to say about them, always grumpy, badly behaved, useless at reading/homework/ whatever else has gone on. I know this is just not true and I am finding it so upsetting to the point I literally want to shout at them.

Any advice how to cope with this? Or just comfort others have experiences this? They are not the sort of people you could talk to reasonably without it blowing out of all proportion? Husband just says oh that's just them forget about it keep peace etc.

OP posts:

MrsStrowman · 26/09/2018 19:12

Maybe they say the same about your DCs to other people? GPs generally gush about their amazing GCs

Bluebolt · 26/09/2018 19:18

I do think it hard to treat equal when contact can be so different. My MIL is very equal in gifts but I know she will talk about her youngest GC the most because she sees her the most.

Hecticlifeanddrowning8 · 26/09/2018 19:24

I have a similar dynamic with my Dcs Gps, it's sad for the children involved. I'm my experience nothing with ever change. You may just need to remove your children from the situation before they start to notice.

InfiniteSheldon · 26/09/2018 19:25

I find it very offensive that anyone would say I would love my daughters children more than I love my son's children.

FlibbertyGiblets · 26/09/2018 19:34

I would find alternative after school care. Your children don't need to hear it.

Fatted · 26/09/2018 19:37

Send your children elsewhere after school. Then when they ask why you can tell them that your DC didn't want to be surrounded by people being so negative about them all of the time.

Original poster

fermerswife · 26/09/2018 19:42

Infinitesheldon I didn't say you love your daughters children more I said that I understand from what I hear on here and from friends that often (not always) grandparents are closer to their daughters children because often (not always) daughter's see their own mothers and talk to them more than their mother in laws.

Mine probably see their grandparents more than the golden children but equally I am a more independent person than my sister in law so I involve them less than she does in parenting decisions. They see mine more but have less say if that makes sense?

I would love to get alternative childcare but I just simply can't afford it - my income is our only secure income (hubby works in family business which is going through a tough spell) and 50% of my income is already spent on nursery fees for youngest.

It's just so hurtful and upsetting.

OP posts:

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 26/09/2018 19:42

When sil had her dc mine became invisible. I quietly retreated taking my dc with me. They didn't need to be a party to the obvious favouritism.

user1487194234 · 26/09/2018 20:47

I would definitely limit my DC's exposure to this
IME if this type of favourism exists it is impossible to change it,in fact the older the children get the worse it gets

user1487194234 · 26/09/2018 21:04

I would definitely limit my DC's exposure to this
IME if this type of favourism exists it is impossible to change it,in fact the older the children get the worse it gets

Alwaysadramaaa · 26/09/2018 21:07

My mil favours between her grandchildren & it drives me insane. She has all boys so the mother/daughter theory is out in this situation. We all live within close proximity to her so it’s not that she sees some more than other. & she has all grandsons too so has no granddaughters to favour. One year ds1 got £20 in his birthday card in sept. Dn got a tablet for £90 in the nov. Both turned to same age.

Anotherblacksheep · 26/09/2018 23:23

My mil said, from the second we announced pregnancy, that she would always favour my sil daughter (her only grandchild at the time)
12 years on, I have 3 dcs. Sil has 3 dcs. My dcs get 2 hours per week with mil unless she has commitments with sil kids, in which case my dcs get dumped.
My dcs are old enough to realise and I never hide the reasons for her cancelling. I just make sure my dcs know they are not second best in my eyes and mil is the one missing out

MrsFamily · 26/09/2018 23:51

April, exactly the same happened to me and I did the same. GPs don't live nearby and I only visit now if DH can come having previously been happy to go just me and DC.

OP, you have my sympathy. I just keep quiet and we carry on with our own lives. I suspect my oldest isn't too far off noticing now.

Wearywithteens · 27/09/2018 00:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Tomatoesrock · 27/09/2018 00:30

I have had issues with it, until me and SIL got together one night and she opened up to me, she felt her mam was always gushing to her about our DC, comparing them to her DC. I said well she is the same to us about yours.

In my immediate family it is similar, We DD's and our DC's are closer to our parents than my DBros DC. They all get the same presents for birthday and Christmas but we would visit regularly, SIL visits every couple of months, her own DM covers childcare for her so they are much closer to their DMs parents.

Nonetheless it is still hurtful to DBros DC. We all make a big effort to regularly text our DBros Daughters and invite them if we are planning a day out.

Personally if it was blatant I would call them out of their behaviour.

abacucat · 27/09/2018 01:27

My FIL gushes to us about other GC. When we talk to SIL and BIL they complain he never says anything nice to them about the GC. We have told FIL to tell them all the nice things about the GC he says to us, he always says he will, but doesn't. No idea why he does this.

Sparklyfee · 27/09/2018 12:39

It sounds a bit like they are having to provide childcare for you though. And it's different having to follow routines and discipline children rather than just being GPs to them and having the fun bits.

Maybe they are tired of the childcare

Sparklyfee · 27/09/2018 12:40

And I think YABU to want to shout at them when they are doing you a huge favour and then in the next sentence to say you'd want to talk to them reasonably.

RedSkyLastNight · 27/09/2018 12:46

I expected this to a thread talking about how much GPs do for one set of GC and not for another.

But ... they provide free childcare for you, and this seems to boil dwon to that they are sometimes tired and grumpy after a day of looking after your children? Maybe find alternative childcare and let the GPs see their GC in a less stressful way?

Gottagetmoving · 27/09/2018 12:55

I see my son's children more than I do my daughter's children. Neither live too far away but my son lives within walking distance and they have needed me to look after their boys because of their work.
I love all my grandchildren but have to admit I am closer to my son's youngest because I've spent so much more time with him since he was born.

I think circumstances play a big part and often, a grandparent does get more access to a daughter's children so that's why it's usually those children that appear to be the favoured ones.
It's the opposite in my case

Johndoe10 · 27/09/2018 13:00

My grandparents were like this with me

They had three sons and I spent most weekends there so I think I was the daughter they never had. It caused a lot of resentment with my aunts.

I remember over hearing one of them say ‘if you haven’t got blonde hair and blue eyes in this family - you don’t anything’ 😬

Bluelady · 27/09/2018 13:13

My cousin does this and it's horrible. I totally don't get it especially as the least favoured granddaughter is an absolute delight and the other one is a spoilt brat.

Upslidedown · 27/09/2018 17:22

My MIL favours my DSSs over DS. It's really horrible. We treat the boys equally and my DSSs mum is lovely to my son (who adores her) so it's not like there's animosity. The stepkids are old enough to notice and find it weird as they are such a trio.

She sees less of them all as a result as why would I subject my child to that?

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