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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For wanting to cut my dad out of my life?

20 replies

lolarose896 · 26/09/2018 14:30

So this is a long one..

My grandparents are both in their 90s and are the most amazing people that I will ever know.
My Mum and Dad got divorced 21 years ago when I was 4 as my dad had an affair but my mum has always remained very close with my dad's parents as she has known them since she was 16. They were like second parents to her after her own parents died.
Recently, both my grandmother and grandfather have been having health problems and me and my mum and my step-dad have been helping them out by getting their shopping, taking them to appointments. We visit them at least twice a week and my mum speaks to my nan every day.
My dad now lives in a different country with his new wife and their daughter and barely phones his mum or dad or me but gets so mad about my mum and step dad being in contact with his parents even though my mum has never done anything wrong he hates her.

I have just found out that my dad has literally screamed at his sick mother about being in contact with my mum and her new husband.
He has told her that if she leaves them anything in the will then he will contest it in court.
My nan didn't want me to know about any of this so has kept it from me until yesterday when she told me everything and told me about how upset she is with it all.
I guess what I am asking is am I being unreasonable for being mad at my dad?
I don't know whether to confront him on it as it happened months ago and my nan has begged me not to say anything to him but I am so angry that he has upset her like this that I feel like I can't just sit back and do nothing. Also, I need to defend my amazing mum in all of this..

what should I do?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 26/09/2018 14:37

I would write a letter to that pathetic excuse of a father of yours and tell him exactly what you think of him. Shame the fuck out of him. I would sign off by telling him to never contact you again. Send it certified so you know he receives it and make a copy. I'm sorry he's so awful, but you, your mom and step-dad are wonderful people.

Disquieted1 · 26/09/2018 14:38

What should you do? Nothing.
Some of these things may go back a long way, long before you were born. Get on with your own life and keep out of it.

WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo · 26/09/2018 14:39

YANBU. Your dad is doing nothing to support his parents. If anything he should be grateful to your mum and step dad for helping them out. He doesn't get to dictate who they see, especially when your mum hasn't done anything wrong.

BelindaTheBadger · 26/09/2018 14:42

Ugh classic. Can’t be arsed with his ailing parents until he gets the notion that there might be money to be clawed from their estate and now he’s throwing his weight about making sure he gets as much as possible. I’m so sorry to phrase it this way, but he sounds like a total cunt. I’d cut him out and feel precisely zero guilt.

SummerStrong · 26/09/2018 14:43

I would honour your nan's wishes and not cause a scene for her sake. You can slowly start easing yourself out of your fathers life if you want (it shouldn't be hard as he lives in another country)

cheesefield · 26/09/2018 14:59

Ummm...let him fucking contest it if that's what he wants.

Write to him ask ask him does he think the court will find in favour of an absent son who acts like a cunt to his elderly parents and doesn't lift a finger to support them in their old age - OR your family who have stood by them and continued to care for them despite their son cheating and fucking off from his 4yo, and your step-dad sounds like a hero by helping his wife's ex-husbands parents like this.

Fuck him. Let him try and contest it.

Original poster

lolarose896 · 26/09/2018 16:19

Thanks all, I need to think about it all but sometimes it's nice to get it all out and have some reassurance so thank you

OP posts:

Palace2 · 26/09/2018 18:41

From what I'm led to be believe by my f2f, as long as you explain in your will why you are not leaving anything to x person, the will stands. My df has written his will and is not leaving anything to my sister's, (for very good reason ) he has done it through a solicitor and has been assured it's air tight. Your dgp's can do what they want and he would be wasting his money fighting it. I'm sure your dm isn't in it for what she can get anyway.

Palace2 · 26/09/2018 18:42

*f2f. Not f2f

Palace2 · 26/09/2018 18:43

*df - spell check did it again

MrsMoastyToasty · 26/09/2018 18:45

Suggest to your grandparents that they either leave their money to charity or to you, your siblings and first cousins, thus cutting him and his generation out.

Singlenotsingle · 26/09/2018 18:52

The dgps are entitled to leave their money to whoever they like. If that means your DM, they can do that. The only way your F would be able to challenge it would be if either he could claim to be a dependent, OR if he could prove they didn't have the mental capacity to make the Will.

BelindaTheBadger · 26/09/2018 18:53

It depends where you live. Hi believe in Scotland, children have ‘Legal Rights’ to a portion of moveable estate. Spouses to both moveable and heritable estate, I believe. Don’t know about the rest of uk.

Dollymixture22 · 26/09/2018 19:12

Your poor grandparents. This must be heartbreaking for them. I am so glad they have and your mum and step dad.

Your dad is greedy, selfish and pathetic. You know that and your grandparents know that. It isn’t not undreasinable to decide you don’t a relationship with this man.

But, do you have a relationship with your sister? How old is she and would cutting your dad off also kill any chances of having her in your life? If she is an adult, you could write to her and explain how hurt you are on your grandparents behalf - after all they are her grandparents too. Say you won’t be having a relationship with your dad but that doesn’t extend to her.

AlphaBravo · 26/09/2018 19:56

He can't contest a thing if the will was written and signed in sound mind. They should write him out totally. Unless he's a millionaire he would never be able to afford to contest it anyway.

HildaZelda · 26/09/2018 20:24

What a dick he is. Your stepfather sounds like an amazing man though.

Original poster

lolarose896 · 26/09/2018 20:32

Thanks all, its not the will that I am worried about, its more the fact that he is speaking to my gp this way and speaking about my mum like this. He has even told my gp that he thinks its time that they sign over power of attorney to him.
I told my Nan that that is crazy (there's nothing wrong with either of their mental states and other than a broken hip and gout their health is also fine, thankfully) and that if she ever did need to do that then it would be best to sign it over to me because she knows that I would always act in her best interests but she doesn't want to put that pressure on me so hasn't mentioned it since.

My sister is 11 so she is still very young and cutting him out would cut her out too which I would never want. I have told her a million times that I love her and that I will be there for her whenever she needs me even if she doesn't see me or hear from me for a while but I just don't want things to turn bitter and then damage our sisterly relationship too much.

OP posts:

Original poster

lolarose896 · 26/09/2018 20:51

Thanks HildaZelda my step-dad has been in my life since i was 6 and he is a wonderful man! I am so glad that my mum found someone who makes her so happy. For fathers day last year I got him a card that says 'Dad' instead of 'Step-Dad' and he cried which made me and my mum cry

OP posts:

Almostfifty · 26/09/2018 21:23

I would get power of attorney sorted now. It won't kick in unless one of them becomes incapable, and they can have power of attorney for each other first, with you as the second should it be needed.

As to your Father, ignore him, and tell your DGM to put the phone down if he dares to shout at her again.

HildaZelda · 26/09/2018 21:48

Aw @lolarose896, that's lovely. He's obviously a really good man. Cherish him.

Slightly different scenario, but I know where you're coming from. My own father is an asshole, fell out with all his own family over the will when my grandfather died.

I don't have a stepfather, but my FIL is a complete gentleman and I really love him. One hundred times the man my father will ever be.

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