In laws and mc

[goodlordwhathappened]

Not had a great relationship with the in laws. Mostly MIL, don't really want to go into the back story as I'm not sure how relevant it is but think a strained past and then it all came to head with massive wedding issues (inviting people we didn't know were invited, crying to DH saying she didn't want him to marry me, took half the cake without telling us, also took all the bridesmaids flowers etc).
Anyway, last December I found out I was pregnant. We told my parents immediately and decided it would be fair to tell MIL and FIL too. We had been working on being polite etc when in their company and things had improved since the wedding. We asked them not to tell anyone and while I am not 100% sure it MIL told her friends (I have my suspicions) I do know she told SIL. After a scan at 9 weeks we foubd baby had a problem (don't want to say what as quite rare so outing) and we had weekly scans until baby died at 13 weeks pregnant. MIL was actually very respectful of my feelings and really surprised me with how she went on :-) I felt like we had made a lot of progress.

Anyway, last week I found out I was 7 weeks pregnant again, but sadly lost the pregnancy two days later.

Since the first pregnancy MIL and FIL text dh at least every week and myself probably about the same, asking for any news etc. They are clearly hinting at if we have any baby news. They don't know anything about second pregnancy. My mother does as I was with her when I started to lose the second and she took me to the hospital (DH was away).

Aibu to feel incredibly guilty that ILs don't know anything that's going on? In some ways I think I owe them nothing but then I think they were so excited for the first baby that they must be waiting for happy news again. I don't think there is much point in telling them about the second pregnancy now as it is just sad and I don't want to upset them. But I do think dh should just say we are having some problems but will let them know if/when we have something to tell. Would that be okay? DH says they aren't a close family and he thinks we should just leave it as it is. I'm starting to see the texts as a reminder of our failure though. FIL just text me there and I've just started to feel a bit better today then it's like another reminder.

I'm not looking for sympathy here, I am actually quite at peace with the situation weirdly (possibly because I had just found out and it wasn't as traumatic as the first).

If you read all this then tbh you're a saint! Thank you 😁

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'd probably talk to MIL and gently say that you hope you'll have good news for her one day, but the weekly texts make you feel sad that you're disappointing them constantly. That you really appreciate how good she was during your MC and hope that she understands that. But they are welcome to text about anything else and you hope they can wait until you have something to tell them. I wouldn't tell them about the second MC.

I'm sorry for your losses.

I decided it was up to DP whether he wanted to share our losses with his family or not- as I did with some of my family.

A few years on it's easier to mention them in passing, plus they've gleaned it from other conversations that we've experienced losses but I get on very well with MIL and also she's extremely discreet so I know anything I were to tell her would not go past her. Can't say the same for my own mother!

I don't think that you need to be focused on being scrupulously fair in that if your mother knows X then you must also tell MIL. We should confide in people based on what kind of support they are to us. If you feel that she is indiscreet, then it's fine not to tell her but confide in your mum.

Thanks ladies :-) I would love to be able to sit down and talk to MIL on a one to one basis but we sadly do not have that relationship. I have not forgiven her completely for things that she has done in the past (which she has promised my dh she would apologise for but then never has). I know I do need to forgive her eventually but for now we border on polite friendly which is working for us. DH also has a very limited relationship with them, this makes me sad as I am so close to my own family. They send each other a text every now and then but that is literally the extent. I found it odd when we first met as while I talk to my family about everything, and family dinners etc can have a massive range of conversation, the ILS just don't work like that. They often run out of things to talk about. I guess they often don't know what is going on in our lives and we don't know what they are up to. It's just sad in this situation as I know they were very excited for a baby and although I think MIL could become the GP from hell 😛 I do know she will love a baby unconditionally.

I think:

A) It's totally up to you whether you tell them about the second mc or not. The fact that your DM knows shouldn't affect your decision and you shouldn't feel guilty.

B) Your DH should definitely have a quiet word with them to ask them lay off the text messages and that he'll let them know if/when you have news to share. Up to you and him whether you want to let them know that you are having problems or not. It sounds like your DH doesn't want to do it because he feels it will be an awkward conversation, but if his parents are stressing you out then I think he owes it to you to try and sort it.

And sorry for your losses

@AllyMcBeagle as someone with a little beagle menace I love your username!! I think if it continues DH will have to just say we will tell them when we have something to tell them. I feel sad for him that he doesn't have the support from his parents that I have from mine but I guess actually they wouldn't give him that much if they knew anyway. They were good last time because they didn't make it a big thing and were respectful of the fact I needed some space to come to terms with our loss. I should say my parents love DH to bits. To the point they often say if we get divorced they will keep him 🙄🙄