To find out if I'm depressed? Or just carry on?

[idlikeasnooze]

This morning I booked a Dr's Appointment for Friday. It was a hard decision and my heart was racing. It's a long time coming.

I was informed the Dr I wanted to see has now retired (a kind older man) and I've got a woman about the same age as me who seems nice enough.

I'm still not sure I can do this though. I felt more comfortable going to him … but I don't want to spill my fears out to a Dr I don't really know.

But I think I need help of some kind.

For years I've just told everyone I 'live off adrenaline' and enjoy it.

I don't anymore.

My health visitor told me I had PTSD years ago following a traumatic birth but I dismissed it as something only soldiers get and carried on. Looking back I had very dark thoughts and didn't enjoy the baby years one bit. I'm sure I had PND and wish I'd sought help then so I could have enjoyed my baby.

I did a pretty good job of faking being happy but I never slept at night and had awful thoughts and felt anger and frustration and drank too much coffee in the day and had wine most nights.

I still don't think anyone believes me now when I mention how awful I felt as I was pretty good at acting in control and happy.

I improved after my 2nd child and enjoyed the baby years a bit more.

Then I lost my Dad suddenly 3.5 years ago and I don't think I've ever grieved properly as I had two very young children at the time and I'm constantly worried about how my mum is coping (not very well if I'm honest) I think I needed help then (I dropped to about 7 1/2 stone) but didn't dare ask for it as I wasn't the first person in the world to lose a parent … although I don't have any other friends who have lost a parent at my age so I can't discuss that with anyone either.

Plus a few other stressful things have happened that I've battled on through - on the whole smiling (mainly a fake grimace!)

If you met me I'd say the view was, she's nice, she's kind, she's thoughtful, she's fun, she's got a nice house, nice life, nice kids, nice husband, nice nice nice … but I'm sad. Really sad.

I've finally got my kids to school (after having to go to appeal, losing the appeal and having to move my eldest so they can be in the same school!) so really I should be enjoying the relief I've got to this stage in one piece! Enjoy a little bit of me time when I'm not working … but I feel like I've been running in a hamster ball for the last how many years and instead of taking a breath of fresh air and enjoying less constant mayhem … I feel the years of stuff I've pushed to the back of my mind are just coming out and squashing me.

I'm angry at everything at the moment, I hate the way I feel, I hate the way I look, I'm sick of nagging my kids when they're just being kids, I hate the pressure I put on myself to be perfect, to help others above and beyond, to not have the ability to say no, to not be more assertive but most importantly not having the ability to embrace everything GOOD in my life and enjoy it! There is so much to be enjoyed! I love my kids, my husband, my family, but I just can't shake this sh*tty feeling of utter sadness.

Am I actually depressed? Or do I need a kick up the ar5e?

Is today just a really rubbish day? I just seem to be feeling like I'm going to pop and up until now I've been able to make sure I don't … but I'm just scared I'll pop at someone I love and then I'll be mortified.

This morning I just wanted to cry. But I didn't as I had to get my kids to school and I don't want them to see me break down. If I can control that … maybe it's not depression?

I can't talk to my friends as they all have their own issues, I can't talk to my mum as I'll just worry her and I can't talk to my husband as he's got stresses at work. I have mentioned to him I feel sad and he said to see a Dr … but I think that's because he doesn't really know what to say.

I've not put this on any other thread as I don't want hugs and sympathy. I want to know if I can get over this myself with a few strong words and a kick up the bum, or if a little bit of help will make me finally embrace all that is so good with a real smile?

I've always believed people make their own happiness and a pill isn't the answer … but I'm just not so sure anymore.

You MUST go see the doctor. Telling yourself you simply need a kick up the arse is the depression telling you you are not worthy of help.
Do you live in an area with good mental health provision?

Please go to the doctor. You don’t deserve to feel like this. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety. I know how it feels to be depressed but also what it feels like when you are well. It is so much better.

I’ve taken antidepressants on and off for years. They don’t block things out they just make me be me. The answer doesn’t need to be drugs though if you don’t want that. Therapy is also amazing.

Good luck op. Please go.

I'm not sure Selina? I was advised by another Dr to go to CBT shortly after I lost my Dad but I didn't want to go. Stupid really.

I just know I'll start with the line "I don't really know why I'm here …" then crack some pathetic joke about how I'm fine ... and then end up a snotty mess.

I've always joked my demons are best left untouched … and it'd be like opening a can of worms.

I just keep wanting to keep the lid on that can a bit longer.

You need to go. Get some treatment then you can start enjoying life again.

Thanks LaurG - that's exactly what I want to be. Me :o)

You are depressed OP. One of its paradoxes is the worse you feel the less you want to tell a dr. Please keep your appointment. Tell the gp how difficult it has been for you to even get there. She will have heard it before so dont be concerned about sounding foolish. You do need medical help. Please allow yourself to accept it. Good luck.

Thank you all - I think your messages are the kick up the ar5e I need to keep my appointment x x x

I agree with the others. You should go to the GP. if you're worried about an opening line, how about "I want to talk about my mental health". If you'd hurt your foot you wouldn't just say that you didn't know why you were there, you'd say "I've hurt my foot". The GP can help diagnose whether or not you have depression, or another mental health issue, and what they and you can do.

Yes, you need to go to the GP. The way you feel is not Ok, and most importantly, you deserve better.

You've lived under stress for years and that actually affects the chemical balance of your brain. It saps the levels of the neurotransmitters you need to feel balanced and happy. There is no shame in taking what modern medicine has to offer to help your brain get back in balance, any more than there's shame in diabetics taking insulin because they can't make enough of their own.

It's not at all surprising this is happening now - when you were in crisis mode your brain and body just focused on hanging in there, but now that you have a bit of breathing space they are begging you for some help and support to get back in balance.

You don't have to take medication if you really, really don't want to. But it might really help you. And you can try it, find it's not for you, and stop. But you absolutely do need to tell someone how much you're struggling and stop painting a face on.

The kick up the arse is that you need to stop making excuses not to get help.
Pills, cbt, counselling can all help.
Don't lie to your doctor, you do know why you are there.
A lot of things have happened to you and you need help. That is not something to be ashamed of. Crying and talking to someone who can help you is better than having a breakdown later which is where I think you are headed.
I say this all with concern for you and your family.
Please listen and tell the doctor the truth about how you feel or nothing will change.
I can guarantee they have heard it all before, they won't think you are wasting their time and they will be concerned about you.
Please go and tell the doctor. It's not OK to feel miserable inside and it's not necessary.

Snooze- I’d show the doctor what you wrote here- then she can speak to you based off this as you have put a lot of history and detail into it.
Also ask about talking therapy, it’s over the phone and less pressure. Also you don’t have to get yourself to a certain place for a certain time so more flexibility to be somewhere you feel safe.

Hi OP. I think you are really brave to have made the appointment. It struck me, reading your post, that you have had a lot to deal with, for a long time, and the way you talked about 'the years of stuff I've pushed to the back of my mind are just coming out and squashing me' makes me think that some sort of talking therapy might be really helpful for you.

Some doctors have a tendency to prescribe anti-depressants, and they might help, but to me that would just cover up what you describe as the can of worms. In my experience, addressing those things and coming to terms with the unfairness, the sadness, the anger, can really help and I'd encourage you to seek some sort of counselling, perhaps in conjunction with medication if that's what your doctor suggests.

On a practical note, print out your post, in case you get tongue tied on Friday, or prepare a checklist using docready.org.uk: it's a really useful site to help prepare for talking to a doctor about mental health.

You are really brave to have got this far, and really resilient to have coped so far. There is no shame in asking for help.

Some doctors have a tendency to prescribe anti-depressants, and they might help, but to me that would just cover up what you describe as the can of worms.

I disagree to an extent. They are sometimes prescribed inappropriately because they are easier to access than talk therapy, but often they are helpful because they give you the stability you need to actually engage with talking therapy, and get through the day until it starts. People being overwhelmed with their emotions/MH on a daily basis aren't in a place to really participate in talking therapy or CBT.

I don't know whether medication will turn out to be the right thing for OP or not, but when I had gone through months of stress and trauma they were very helpful in "rebalancing" my brain and giving me the wherewithal to deal with the trauma in therapy. They took away the crushing lows and helped me sleep.

Yes, yes, yes to what CountessVon Boobs says. Anti-depressants gave me the space to lift my head up and start getting better. Without them I would never have engaged with any kind of therapy, or exercise, or anything. From a head full of fuzziness / custard / whirling black fog to at least a bit of it clearing, meant that I could start to see that I wasn't well and that I could get better.
Anyway, see what your GP says and go from there. None of us can diagnose you, but your GP can! Good luck.

You have had some amazing answers here. So I'll simply say this. I wasted ten, long years giving myself a "kick up the arse" it's now been 7 years since I got help and I personally think where you are is harder than going to the appt. Even after years of seeing my counselor I still got butterflies calling and making an appt. Go, get help, you will thank yourself later on xx

This morning I just wanted to cry. But I didn't as I had to get my kids to school and I don't want them to see me break down. If I can control that … maybe it's not depression? I had a period of keeping it all together, while my body kept throwing low level problems at me to persuade me to stop work. Finally friends persuaded me to see GP, who immediately signed me off work for two weeks, and I collapsed into a sobbing heap in the living room for a couple of weeks. So, yeah, you can control that side of depression while you need to.

Go and get help. You need to get just enough off rock bottom to begin to work out what you need to do to help the recovery.

Your post is full of the need to cope and soldier on. "I dismissed it ... and carried on" " I wasn't the first person in the world to lose a parent" "This morning I just wanted to cry. But I didn't as I had to get my kids to school and I don't want them to see me break down." On my first appointment with psychologist, didn't know how long the appointment would be, there was a blizzard outside, receptionist rang through "husband here, wants to know if he should wait and give lift home". I immediately said "no, I'll walk" (I'm a coper, too), and psychologist was horrified, and insisted I accept his offer. So nice, it was, to have that little bit of help. So just for once in your life, ask for some help and accept it.

Wow - thank you all so much for your advice. It's been a relief to just write a little bit down on here - so thanks!

I just can't tell anyone I'm going without the fear of breaking down on them first. I am being stupid keeping it all a secret at this stage?

I'm not sure how friends/family would react as if you could see me you really wouldn't believe this is how I feel. I try to be the most upbeat person and offer positive advise to anyone who asks even when I'm feeling sad inside.

And I'm genuinely not unhappy all the time - it's just getting more and more frequent now I have a little more head-space.

I just think I'm reaching the end of my tether as my patience is waring very thin with everyone around me, and I'd hate to snap.

I'm usually very nice but have been snappy with my brother recently which isn't me - I'd love to tell him why but I think he's not been right since we lost our Dad either if I'm 100% honest.

We had lots of support when it first happened but now I think people have moved on whilst we still have this massive gap in our family.

I agree I'm a 'coper' and hate having to rely on anyone but me - my Dad was the only person who truly had my back and would do anything for me and I miss him massively.

I also adore my children and want to be a fun mum - so I think I owe it to them too.

Hopefully Friday will be the start of being truly happy again.

Thanks again x

Here you go OP, this is the assessment tool the doctor will use to see if you’re depressed:

www.nhs.uk/Tools/Pages/depression.aspx

You can do it yourself now and then take the result with you.

It helps to have an idea of what help you’d like from the doctor, the two options generally are medication or therapy. If it’s therapy you can self refer to your local iapt team for cbt or counselling for depression, get in touch for an assessment and they’ll help you figure out whether cbt or counselling would be most useful and what they think would be best to target (the depression, the grief, etc).

For meds you’ll obviously need to see the GP. Might be worth doing some research around antidepressants beforehand, on a good site such as the NHS website. Appointments are very short and knowledge is power.

Anyone who reacts in a bad way ie without sympathy and compassion is a prick op, stop worrying about what people think of you. You are bloody awesome. It's amazing you have held it together this long. You are clearly very strong but you have come to the end of your strength and you need to let others help you.
Good luck and I wish you well, when I was diagnosed with PND it was actually a relief Tbh. The doctor was very kind and understanding. I said I don't think I can explain without crying and she just pushed the tissue box towards me and said "so cry, I won't mind. Tell me"
She didn't patronise me at all or tell me I wasted her time.
You can recover but you have to take the first step.

You could be describing me. I went to the doctor and was prescribed ADs and counselling and I've been off work too. I Would bet my happy pills (that aren't yet working) that you are actually depressed too. [Flowers]

I sympathise with you OP and know exactly where you’re coming from. Like you I kept it all together not wanting to seem like a moan. A woman I worked with who was very highly strung actually said to me I wish I was like you so laid back. It was all an act.
You need to think of yourself now and go and get the help you deserve.
Time to show everyone the true you. They’ll be surprised.
Talk to your GP. Hold nothing back. Good luck.

If you think you're going to get upset then write everything down before you go. When I went (practically forced by one of my friends) I felt that I was wasting the doctors time and he had actual ill people to see. I went in and burst into tears after I handed him the note.

You definitely should go.

Remember that you're probably not telling the doctor anything new. With psychiatric illness becoming one of the major causes of morbidity and mortality worldwide, I'm sure most providers will have seen depressed patients, even if they don't work in psychiatry. (Apart from my practicum in psychiatry I've never worked in mental health specifically, but I have definitely seen depressed patients.)

It would also be a good idea for you to have a complete checkup. Sometimes depression can be caused by physical issues, such as hypothyroidism. (This is very common in women and can go on for a long time before it's picked up on because the symptoms are often non-specific.)

OP, hope today gives you some relief, good luck

I felt exactly like you. When the doctor said I had moderate to severe depression my first thoughts were relief that I hadn't been making it up. I hope you have a good appointment today and that you can start to get the appropriate help.